who i am

Faux Confidence, Sealing the Deal & My Self Image

Hey folks! I hope that you had a stellar weekend.  I definitely did and I’m excited to keep it going a little bit despite my current desire to crawl in my bed.

With all of the great times and friendship, I’m reminded of some of the specific points I made in this post where I stated that I just don’t have much of a personality.  Which is weird to say, but let me try and explain.

For the most part, I think I’m cute with a few pounds to lose, decently charismatic, and fun.  Occasionally, I get off a great joke and in the right circumstances I’m completely capable of owning a room.  I love to talk about television and music, especially the storytelling aspect for television and very specific takeaways from the songs that I’ve heard.  I have a need to relate to people even in cases where my experience is not-related but I’ve convinced myself that this is the way to a human connection.  I crave validation and shine when I hear compliments from someone objective.  And lastly, I do try to humble by downplaying any perceived success on my part while showing that I’m completely capable of holding my own.

Despite that entire paragraph, I’m not sure how it all fits together.  Based on my experience last night, I feel like I came across fun and exciting only to settle into a conversation and instantly feel like I wasn’t equipped to set up the end game.  Even with the obvious easy marks, I felt like I was fighting to find flirty things to say.  I defaulted to weak ass small talk because I truly don’t know what to say.  At least not in a way that would generate real results outside of a phone number exchange.

That 0 or 100% quark is back.  I’m either sounding like a candidate for a job who is trying to impress people or a slutbucket.  And since I don’t want to be perceived as super thirsty (despite evidence to the contrary) or super easy, I tend to ask the same dumb questions because that’s what I practiced in the shower before I got to the cluh.

My trashy Abilene mantra of “You is hot, You is sexy, Guys wanna hit” may get me through the night but it’s not sticking.  Faking it until I make it keeps leading me back to the blog to write this sort of self-involved drivel.  My actual self-image isn’t improving despite me knowing objectively that there are positive things about me.

Like a small example.  I know that my friends had a good time Saturday, but we didn’t do anything.  We just sat around and they joked about it.  I can take the joke, but since I really hate feeling like I’ve disappointed people, I spent a lot of the night upset that I didn’t create a more fun experience for them.  If people act on my recommendation, I feel personally responsible for their good time.  It’s my job to make sure that they are as happy as they could have been given the situation.  That may be coming down too hard on myself (and it really is), but I want everyone to want to visit me and to hang out.  I want people to like my ideas and the thought of doing this again.  Now take this kind of pressure and apply it to situations that lack the same certainty as best friends.

I’m scared to approach guys because I don’t want to rejected.  I don’t want to run up on someone only to feel fat and ugly because I’m not their type.  I’m a little too awkward to use the staredown/eye contact trick to get them to come to me.  And even if a guy does say something, I’m ill-equipped to keep his interest.  I may be over-thinking it and projecting, but this is the real Trash.  I struggle to get out of my own way.

My friend happened to be out last night and yelled at me for doubting myself.  He quickly pointed out that I was the only one that a certain someone approached.  I honestly just felt a friendly vibe but that could have been curving myself.

What is clear is that I still have to adjust my attitude and what I’m doing.  If you don’t like the results, you can’t keep using the same tools.  I now have to equip myself somehow and in a truly, genuine way.  I don’t have any interests that generally click with people. I simply don’t have a lot of normal likes and dislikes.  But I’m going to have to present these in a way that makes people want to engage in said activities with me.  I have to stop treating interactions like interviews.  I have to relax and know that what I’ve got and who I am are going to be enough for the right person.

In other news, Atlanta you have been so sexy this weekend.  Like the city always has some cuties, but I feel like the city has been crawling with potential boo things.

But as far as the meat of this post, I don’t have a real plan yet but I hope that this makes even a little sense.  What’s going on in your world, kind readers?  Hopefully you’re feeling like a million dollars.  Why don’t you leave us a nice comment?

Advertisements

Who Am I?

Hi Again.  It’s just me.

So in the past few weeks, I’ve been doing my best to take a deep look at who I am and what makes me tick? But because I’m not so great at talking to myself about myself, I’ve enlisted the aid of quite a few personality tests via the interwebs.  I think my favorite that I’ve taken is this one:

http://www.personaldna.com/tests.php

I thought it would be fun to share a bit of my results and see how accurate it is.

You are an advocating artist.

  • Your appreciation of beauty, ability to think abstractly, and innovativeness make you an ARTIST.
  • Never one to be tied to a particular way of doing things, you let your imagination guide you in discovering different possibilities.
  • You would rather seek out new experiences than stick to your everyday habits, taking in as much of the world as possible.
  • Your eye for beauty and your willingness to consider different perspectives make your creative efforts interesting—even though you may not realize this yourself.
  • You prefer to think about things before voicing your opinion, considering a wide, diverse range of options.
  • While there are forms and styles that you prefer, you tend to keep an open mind when it comes to your artistic preferences.
  • You are curious about things, interested in the “why” more than the “how.”
  • You have an active imagination that leads you express yourself in a distinct way.
  • You’re not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
  • You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.
  • You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation – friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
  • You believe that things happen for a reason, and that many things are not under our control

In a way, I believe that this is the gist of who I am.  I didn’t realize it would be called an “artist” (my lack of talent in those areas probably hold me back).

That said, I do think that I have a definite style (however bland it may be) and I definitely do think that most things happen for a reason.  I try my best to be fair and objective, which usually comes from my desire to keep the peace.

I also have no concept of a schedule unless I really have someone to impress.

The quiz suggests the following:

  • Be more open to risks in your creative efforts, and don’t be quick to dismiss the praise of others.
  • Think about how attention to detail may help you be more sure of yourself.

Absolutely correct.  I am so bad at accepting compliments.  I do believe that my life would be improved by slowing down and truly considering my decisions before running into them.

You are advocating.

  • Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.
  • Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.
  • One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.
  • You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.
  • You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.
  • Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don’t look to impose your ways on others.
  • Your sensitivity towards others’ plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.
  • As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.

I do think that this is true, despite that my friends would not call me nice or compassionate.  I do have a sharp tongue and struggle to mince words when something bothers me.  That said, I do take people’s feelings seriously and I want what’s best for them.  I want to listen to what they are going through and be of any assistance that I can be.  I do try to step outside my personal bias as well because I think that is what a real friend would do.

That said, I love being social but I do value my alone time.  Believe that!

Advice here is:

  • While it’s important to think about others, don’t forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.
  • Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it’s difficult to find people to trust, it’s worth the effort.
  • When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.

I do need to make sure that I put myself first in certain situations.  I tend to bend over backwards for people who may not have earned it or even deserve it.  I’m working on that now.

I haven’t had a great idea in a while so we’ll see how that works out.

And this is my personal map and a list of personality traits:

Confidence

LowHigh
4
Openness

LowHigh
62
Extroversion

LowHigh
62
Empathy

LowHigh
74
Trust in others

LowHigh
34
Agency

LowHigh
0
Masculinity

LowHigh
24
Femininity

LowHigh
24
Spontaneity

LowHigh
78
Attention to style

LowHigh
96
Authoritarianism

LowHigh
30
Earthy/Imaginative

ImaginativeEarthy
34
Aesthetic/Functional

FunctionalAesthetic
72

Not too shabby.  My confidence is definitely not great although I do my best to fake the funk until I start to believe it.  I definitely feel a little superficial looking at this, which isn’t too far off.

What do you all think?  Granted, my posts are rarely personal but do you get this from the things I write?  I’m going to take this and try to work on myself.  Take the quiz and feel free to share your results!

Don’t forget to follow us over on the Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow!