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Hey y’all!!!

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It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Needless to say, the final weeks of 2014 were a bust in several ways.  There were things to discuss, but nothing was positive and our drafts listing is filled with half-written posts.  But it’s a new year and I’ve decided to dive back in as a manner of expressing myself again. So let’s talk.

What’s Yo (Relationship) Status at the Bank?
Guess who happens to still be single in the most vivid way imaginable?

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Over the course of the holidays, it was almost as if everything I did involved hanging with couples, listening to the drama between couples, or getting advice on how to end up in a couple.  It was harsh to say the least.

Even worse, I realized that my type is still relatively elusive.  While Class may try to act like my requirements for dating are obscure, they are actually not that bad.  But the two requirements that are most important to me seem to be the hardest to find.  Internally motivated and an interesting conversationalist seem to be rarities these days.  Lacking in these areas render even the most superficially attractive specimen useless in my world.

But the largest obstacle standing in my way is my reluctance to put myself out there.  For many years, it was fear of rejection that held me back.  That I was too big or not attractive enough to be worth anyone’s attention.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I’m okay looking.  I’m relatively funny.  I’ve got some things going for me.  Also, I’m Important.

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Seriously though, I’ve exhausted my desire to go out.  I’m tired of checking apps and dating sites.  I’m just in this place where I’d rather not be bothered.  That attitude doesn’t fix the situation, but it is where I’m at these days.  We’ll see what changes this year.

On Blackness
This blog isn’t even a year old and we have a full archive on Race Issues.

But it seems 2014 was the year where racists just said “Fuck It” and went hard in the paint to make America miserable unsafe for Black people. I remember back when President Obama was elected, there was a mixed feeling of elation and fear.  One of the biggest lessons I’d learned was that when white people feel a loss of perceived power, they lash out.  No matter what.  Whether it’s getting angry and upset with harsh words and attempts to ruin the victor’s credibility or attempting to utilize the one perceived slight as an example of how hard they have it, it is going to happen.  The only other reaction I’ve ever seen is the defense “I’m not racist, I hate everyone.  Racist comment, racist comment, racist comment.”  That’s probably the worst of all.

But to keep myself from going full-on thesis, here’s Miles Jai:

Here’s Chescaleigh:

Here’s Tre Melvin:

I’m using these as examples because I’m trying to swallow this rage and keep it trucking. But the end result is that people are pissed at the injustice.  And no one cares how much it inconveniences you.  Our lives are at stake.  Until there is real change, there will truly be no peace.

Pettiness and Heartbreaks: Celebrity Style
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“Cut that Chinese Pussy Hair off my face. Lol”

When I tell you that Sass and I cackled for hours on end over the Lispy/Fanny Pack brief separation.  But something about this douchey face and the Lol sent me over the moon.

Both of these people truly need to leave their lives off the internet, but for the first time in ages, I laughed at their antics instead of rolling my eyes.  The involvement of Drake. Her tears of melancholy and faux-inspirational Instagrams from the Jhene Aiko playbook of songwriting.  The phrase “Chinese Pussy Hair”.  This is classic.

2014 also saw the breakup of Amber Rose & Wiz Latifah. I like Amber and Wiz is entertaining to look up so hopefully things will be good for their baby.  However, this my friends:

is good times. I love this like I love cheese.

Some Last Minute Jams
Here’s two of my favorite songs.  Leggo!

In The Presence Of Mirrors – PM Dawn

Ugh, love this group so much.  I wore my aunt’s cassette for “Of The Heart, Of the Soul, And of the Cross” out when I borrowed it back in middle/high school.  They have an interesting way of speaking about life and love in a way that’s emotional and masculine if that makes sense.  It’s melodic but it’s funky.  It’s definitely a product of the early 90’s free-for-all music scene. I’ll leave the song’s interpretation up to you, but this song still takes me to a place of wondering who I am and what I’m doing.

Please Don’t Turn Me On – Artful Dodger

With my very public love of Craig David, I don’t think it is surprising that UK Garage music appeals to me. Artful Dodger did some production work on Craig’s first album too, but it wasn’t until much later that I took a dive into his singles. I love the softness of his production, the abundance of harmonies, and his ability to give songs a groove while downplaying the drumbeat. It’s all very lush, if that makes sense.  This song makes me happy.

So what’s happening in your world? Are you looking forward to 2015?

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Y’all Can Keep Your Online Dating

Hello friends. This is Class!!!

I am currently reconstructing my life and blogging just has taken a back burner but Trash keeps coming for my wig so… Here we go.

It’s Friday which most likely means I will spend my night with wine, contemplating my life as a bachelor.

Part of my reconstruction includes my love life or rather….the lack there of. Past relationships were great when they were great but when they flopped it took a toll on my trust. So I decided, to not date and just live life as a strong, sassy, independent woman (well man). But after a couple of years and some trashy hooker wig nights (which are NONE your business. yolo my readers!), I find myself prepared to love again.

I’m young. Fun. Got my looks together… So this should be easy right? Heck no.

This is where all you happy relationship people say , “OMG you should totes online date! Have you like tried tinder? What about Plenty Of Fish?”

Girl. Shut up.

A) Despite some of my choices, I’m extremely old school and will nevah have to say “Oh, we met online”. It ain’t going down like that. I get the changing climate of dating but I’m not giving up hope that one can find love in a more organic way that doesn’t waste my data plan with Verizon.

B) A lot of people on these apps are looking for a quick hookup. When you open an introduction with “How big is your wang?” You can go stand in the middle of a busy highway and wait for me to show you. I’ll be riiiiight there.

C) Some of y’all too damn clingy. Don’t start talking long term with someone YOU HAVE NEVER MET. It drives me crazy. I was just trying to be polite and you planning on moving in together. Fuck outta here.

D) To quote Heidi Montag, “They say I’m superficial.” And I just might be, but that doesn’t change that there are some people that can make a cockroach look appealing on these apps. By the same token, those of you who use your “model” shots as your main profile pic but two pics over we see the real you in a dirty mirror selfie… I have one thing to say to youuuu…. YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE! Get outta here with that. Have me all excited thinking I found Shemar Moore but really you look like a dying mongoose.

E) If you’re married or in a seemingly serious relationship and you are on one of these apps, you are nasty and I personally hope you penis (or vagina) falls off because we know what you’re doing and it ain’t cute. And no, YOU ARE NOT JUST LOOKING FOR FRIENDS YA NASTY HOOKER.

To my relationship friends who have never had to use online dating, leave us single folk who don’t want to date online alone. TRUST ME, it is not as glamorous as the eHarmony commercials make it look.

Moral of this blog is, I have no desire to date online. So leave me be. I don’t want a profile made, nothing. When a relationship is meant to happen, it will happen.

K thanks bye!

HAPPY FRIDAY! Get them bottles poppin’!!!

Changing Me

Hey people,

 

This is really quick but I figured that  could share a bit more about my life right now.  I’m working on getting my sexy on as part of the #GetChose2014.  (Props to Freshalina who has a new podcast that is life.)

But as part of my mission to end this single, overweight life, I’m having to take stock of what consequences my actions have.  And that is the hardest thing.  I can’t just make excuses for my choices.  I don’t have a lot of self control.  I’m incredibly lazy.  I’m pretty superficial.  I’m incredibly awkward.

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But I’m not going to let that stop me.  I will have to keep going to the gym.  I will have to resist Zaxby’s siren song.  I will have to stop waiting for things to happen to me.  I have to take charge and create opportunities.  So what if it’s fake confidence right now?  I’ll get there.

Are you all working on yourself?  How do you stay focused?  Let a bish know!

Sorry Y’all. Class is Busy Hitting Bitches (His Principal) With Bottles…

::cues up theme song for the day::

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As y’all know…I’ve had it with my job and terrible principal. With 6 weeks remaining, I’m ready to bow out.

But before I go, I scheduled a meeting with the Assistant Superintendent and Superintendent to discuss what REALLY happened this year. Trust me, I don’t EVER want to work at this terrible school again, nor do I want to teach…excuse me RAISE tons of bad ass kids who parents don’t parent. It’s not worth it. These kids aren’t going to wrinkle my youthful skin and gray the waves in my hair. So i’m out. Officially.

I’m currently sending out my resume EVERYWHERE and applying EVERYWHERE. Only to find out that people think teachers have no skills. Girl BYE, i’d like to SEE someone who sits in an office from 9 – 5 do my job….This shit is exhausting, you get paid nothing, AND you get treated like dirt. So me and my Masters Degree in Music will be doing something else in life…What that is? F*ck if I know…But it will be way better than teaching raggedy children who don’t care. Pray for our future….

What I DO know is that this meeting this afternoon most likely will look like this….

Bey 1

Bey 2

Bey 3

Y’all know anyone hiring? OR rich baby daddies that want to take care of me? Anyone got an extra trust fund? Just let me know below.

Happy Wednesday y’all!

 

 

The Return of Class!

Class is…

B –  to the mother effing -A-C-KKKKKKKKKKKK!!! Alrooooiiiiiight!!!!

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::snaps fingers in Z formation::

Shout out to that trashy hooker Trash for holding down the fort but it is time for me to return! Life got really REAL the past two months. I swear I’ve been sick for weeks straight. The weather still remains to suck and then be fabulous and then suck the next day. I’ve actually been TRYING to be shit at work, applying for new jobs, rehearsing for a musical, performing in a musical, and manage to squeeze a workout in! WHO RUN DIS MOTHA?! Not me.

Despite my efforts to be GREAT I remain: broke, unfulfilled in my job, wanting to move someplace new and start over but not wanting to give up the comfort I have now, single, not in the sickening shape I want to be, single as hell, not Beyonce, not on Broadway or on a reality show, without a yacht, no penthouse in my name, oh and did I mention single as F*CK?

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So the single thing has really been on my nerves. It has been a GOOD moment since I’ve had anyone worth a damn in my life. It really got to me when my rotten toothed, bitchass, rude, and just terrible coworker found her a boo-thang. If that over-sized Gollum looking creature can find someone…then it really must be me y’all.

I’m not going to do this today…. Let me calm myself….

As I approach 27……

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( moving on)…..I just feel that I should feel more like an adult and have an adult life and adult things. But alas, I’m still stuck in broke (really broke) college kid mode with a job that ACTUALLY requires me to put in effort. (Damn I miss those college jobs where you were paid to show up and be the funny black person in the office.) So what will it take for me to achieve greatness? A trust fund would be a great start. Or a rich baby daddy…

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But until that happens….I guess I’ll continue to be mediocre? Blah. So this is where you give me tips on how to be great! Ready?! GO!!!!

 

 

 

No, My Name Ain’t Baby!

Ms. Jackson, if ya nasty!

janet-jackson-nasty-o

Hello Everyone and Happy Friday!

So my mind has been in the gutter lately.  You know basically becoming one of those lustful, cat deddy type of men that Robin was so dismissive of during ANTM Cycle 1.

I don’t know if it is because I have way too much free time right now or I simply want someone to cuddle with.  Either way, my thirst has been out of control.  But the problem is that the ones I’m thirsty for do not live anywhere around me.  I open up that little profile and I see the following:

1) People who look like they haven’t bathed in several years

pigpen

2) People with interests that lead me to believe they are serial killers

jason

3) People with shirtless pictures who shouldn’t be shirtless.

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By the by, I’m not saying you can’t be big and sexy.  Just put your best foot forward in the profile.  

Now I know that my taste tends to run a little…obvious, but I have been attracted to normal guys before.  I just can’t seem to find ones that don’t frighten me who are also interested in me.  I get that I’m not exactly the popular type for the North, but this drought is something serious.  Hell, I almost texted someone from my past, the thirst has gotten so intense.

So I’m opening the floor to you all readers.  What do you do when you find yourself in lust with no partners?  Are there dating sites where people know to clean their mirrors before taking a selfie?  Is there anyone interested in simply getting to know each other before swapping nudes?

Let me know in the comments!  Like now.  Thanks.

“You’re single because you’re rude!”

Heyyyy bitchessss!!!!!

giphy

Y’all know those weeks where you actually have to work? Yeah that was this week. Between teaching and rehearsals I haven’t had a moment to get my life together and my apartment is the living proof of that (hot tranny MESS). Now it’s Friday and I got my victory cocktail in hand….Let’s do this blog thing!

Soooo recently I asked a friend to assess why I was single. To sum it up, I was told that I’m shady and rude to new people when I don’t like them.

ByeAshy

The specific situation went down like this: We were at a bar when these two tricks motioned for us to come over. So we went and sat down. After engaging in a short conversation, I quickly realized “nah girl, this is not for me.” So I Did what Nene Leakes would do and promptly got up and walked away leaving my friend to say “he’s just shy”. Was this right? Yes and no.

No. Because I could have at least ended the conversation politely but… Sometimes my sass gets the better hand of me…When my inner Sasha Fierce takes over, there is no hope.

Yes because….Y’all I just know what I want from a potential mate. I really do. (Trash, I think it’s time we make a list of what things our potential mate ABSOLUTELY needs to have. Like amazing teeth and no student loans or an up to date student loan account). As I approach 27 (DEAR GOD) this year, I feel that I need not settle for the first thing that comes my way. When I see something I don’t like, why am I going to waste my time with it? If someone presented you with a nasty plate of food that you KNOW you don’t like, are you going to eat it?! The answer is no! If you said yes, come over and I’m cooking you the nastiest dish I can create in my kitchen. Complete with the all the stuff that finds it way to the back of the refrigerator and freezer.

People say all the time “date someone you wouldn’t normally be attracted too.” This is cool and all and I agree to an extend; BUT if we walk into the situation and I already have doubts, I PROMISE it won’t work out. For example, I WILL not sit and pretend that I am okay talking to someone that looks and smells like they just crawled out of a sewer. While that person may be WONDERFUL, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t care for themselves. Or if you are 35 and you are just working at the window at McDonalds. Now. A job is a job and if I lost mine today, I’d have no shame in taking your order. That will not, however, diminish my ambition to be great. So I can’t POSSIBLY date someone with no ambition or plan to be the best version of themselves.

Am I demanding too much or what? Any relationship guru’s out there COMMENT and help a BROTHA OUT?! She by Sheree doesn’t keep me warm at night! (If you get the reference…Send a message 😉 ) But really is it time for me to lower my standards or keep searching? Let Class know! Tweet us y’all! Comment! Let’s find love in hopeless places together y’all!!!

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