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Guest Post: Instagram’s Explore Page

Editorial Note: Welcome Sass back into the fray for another hilarious post about how you’re fucking up on a daily basis. -Team Trash

The Instagram Explore Page…where the shitty taste of my friends gathers and kills my soul.

Earlier this year…or maybe late last year…or maybe earlier last year? Fuck it, I don’t know, sometime before today, Instagram updated their Popular page to become the Explore page. Before, the Popular page was a place where the most liked pictures on Instagram were showcased. There you could see Kim Kardashian’s newest selfie (even though you don’t follow her, but 10 million other people do) or the latest vegetable that Oprah picked from her garden (because, Queen). Even if you don’t follow them, you were able to see what was popular at the time.

And then that changed.

Now, the Explore page displays a mix of pictures popular in your country, pictures your friends have liked and people similar to the people that you follow. It’s more a platform to discover, or explore (see what they did there?) the world outside of themselves and their immediate circle. Sometimes, there are some good finds there; for example, Mankofit with her killer workout tips, DanaChanel and her inspirational messages, and Oprah with her vegetable garden (because, Queen). But other times…Lord Jesus, bless it. The ratchetry of some of my friends is out, about, and pushed to the forefront of my feed.

Here are the top 5 terrible things I can ALWAYS count on seeing on the Explore page:

1.)  Instagram Models and Boutiques – I probably brought this on myself, honestly, because I follow Draya, but there are A LOT of Instagram models and boutiques featured here. There’s a lot of mesh, a ton of weave, breast, butt and lip augmentation and flesh that I don’t need. Usually, these “fashions” can be purchased on the low – bandage, cut out dresses made of mesh can be purchased for $15.99, which includes shipping, handling, tax, service fees, production costs and materials. These “models” have booking information for club appearances and fully styled “I woke up like this” pictures. Yeah, okay.

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2.)  The Half-Naked Boys – Some of these half naked boys are models of either the Instagram or legitimate variety. Others of them are regular people, stunting for their thirsty Instagram followers, whit their pants halfway removed, giving us pubic hair and six-packs, while they brush their teeth with the caption, “Morning.” Boy, stop.I don’t know how these end up on my page, but my eyes are dead set on people I follow (lowers glasses and glares at Trash). Sometimes you get shirtless, sometimes you get pantsless, and sometimes you get an ass clap/twerk video with the caption, “Bored.” I’m never ready for those videos.

(Editor’s Note: I don’t know what Sass is talking about.  I keep it sophisticated and elegant at all times.  Maybe she should check Class)

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3.)  Philosophical Posts from the Ignorant and Highly Uninformed – Everyone is not bright. We know this. The second I find out which of my friends likes posts like the one below, they’re unfollowed. Dead ass. Ebola can be treated and cured, just like you can HIV? Okay, boss. Catch both, and tell me which one clears up first. Honest to God, one of the comments said that they won’t tell you that drinking Lysol cures HIV and they’re keeping that information from us, too. You’re right, medical professionals just won’t tell us that. How rude of them.

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4.)  Memes – The first go ‘round of memes are usually funny. And then they’re not. Let Olivia from The Cosby Show, Kermit and the tea, the “this could be us, but…,” and all the other dead memes go to their much deserved eternal slumber. They don’t need their own accounts and they most certainly don’t need new life every single day. Are some funny? Certainly? Are most? NOPE! Be mindful of your meme usage, ladies and gents. Send Terrio to school, draw on LeBron’s hairline, cure that awkward looking Black girl of her perpetual confusion, and give that struggle ponytail a weave. However, Kim’s cry face and the Martin Baker on the phone memes will never get old to me. Also, any Rihanna face usually makes for a good time. Just be accurate in the captions.

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5.)  Food posts – Honestly, I don’t have an issue with these, I just needed a fifth and Trash didn’t answer his phone when I needed another suggestion (I set myself up with five, I should have gone for three). I even think that CookinForBae is amazing. This bitch be hungry. Keep sharing those, I need them.

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(Editorial Note: Trash can in fact confirm that this did not happen.  However, I did just see a large man in a taupe sleeveless top with a cowl neck on my Explore page, so carry on.)

White Boo Wednesday Part 2

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Yes, I know that’s overused.  I don’t care.

So you didn’t know about White Boo Wednesday??  Get caught up, damnit!

More white boos for your nerves!

1) Eric Decker 

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On his show, he comes across as super sweet and nice.  I enjoy him.

2) Chris Evans

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Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass…STOP!

 

3) Kellan Lutz

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I remember that commercial like the back of my hand.

4) Maksim Chmerkovskiy

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Congratulations on your win, boo!  Much deserved!!

 

5) Theo James

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Model turned actor?  Yep.  Love a strong brow.

Y’all left me hanging last time.  Give me your white boos!

Celebrity Jury: Justin Beiber

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Greetings!  It’s everybody’s favorite day of the week and I hope that you are celebrating appropriately.  Let’s talk Beiber.

I know he’s not everyone’s favorite person right now, but we need to give him a fair trial before Congress sends him back to Canadia.  Let’s get it started.

Fact: Beiber has some measure of talent.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t seeing it for the Beib when she had that swoop bang and all manner of leather vests.  But I won’t sit here and lie.  The boy can genuinely sing and has real musical talent.  He may be releasing bubblegum pop and hip-pop but the boy got his record contract fair and square.

Fact: Baby was a bop!

And before you even try it, Baby was the jam.  You can sit here and try to deny it but it has the perfect blend of sugary pop goodness and dance beat.  He may not have hit puberty here, but if it came on at the roller skating rink?! You, me, Dupree, and Irene would get our lives!

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Go get your life and bop!

Fact: Every other single (less Boyfriend) has been trash.

What pray tell is an Eenie Meenie Miney Mo lover?

No for real Beiber.  We just saw you on the steps killing it with a guitar and a feathered bowl cut.  Why would you even record this?  And with Sean Kingston??  This man??

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That’s just not the answer.  I won’t even start on Favorite Girl or any of those other bland songs he’s threatened us with.

Fact: Justin is, in fact, a giant douchebag. 

With all of the recent news of your arrest, the egging, and the drag racing foolery, you would think that would be all the evidence I need.  But for serious, let’s talk about that.

This 19-year old is spending all of his money and youth on drugs and shit.  Where are his parents?  Where is Usher?  WHERE IS JUDGE JOE BROWN?!

This young queen just let all his black friends take the heat.  This young queen was racing those cars like he was on the world’s slowest Hot Wheels track high and drunk.  That’s like 7 crimes, not including the fact that now we have to endure the Beliebers starting up a movement for you.

Fact: The Beleibers are annoying as all the fucks.

Now Class is an active Beyonce stan and I will cut someone if they come for Craig David the wrong way, but there’s no reason these prepubescent trollops should be on Twitter, Facebook, or even Oovoo.  (Whatever that is)

It’s wrong to hate a celebrity because of a group of people’s actions, but damn if it isn’t hard.

Fact: Beiber has been hitting the gym.

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(Source: Just Jared)

I’m not saying I’m into it.  I’m just saying I could see how someone else could be.

Fact: I thought we left these pants in the 90’s

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(Source: Go Fug Yourself)

Nope.  Absolutely not.

Fact: Justin Beiber ruined a flawless Craig David song.

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HOW DARE YOU!  As I mentioned earlier, I stan down for Craig David and may be the only one.  What you aren’t going to do is sample Fill Me In and ruin it with these croaky vocals and shitty lyrics.   THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO!

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::steps away to breathe::

Okay, now that I’ve calmed down.  What it boils down to is that the Beiber simply isn’t making quality music.  He seems to want to capture this R&B sound that most white pop stars dip into when they want to show that they’ve “matured.”

Final Verdict: It’s a no from me, sis. 

While Beiber may have had some cute bops and talent, all of his antics, fuckery, and “music” has turned off pretty much everyone.  That movie he released over the holidays flipped and flopped, he finally got arrested and delivered that mediocre beauty shot, and that petition has way more signatures than it probably should.

Hopefully, he and Lispy Brown find a prayer circle and work out those demons.  Meanwhile, let’s listen to Craig David and feel better about our lives.