Shade

Keep Your Mess To Yourself

what

Woo hey lovelies!  It’s been a while hasn’t it?  Sorry to leave you without a dope beat to step to, but we’re back.  Let’s get this started with a quick word from our sponsors.

Just for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I could tell you stories of this weekend, but they would only bore you.  So I needed to give you all a quick tip in keeping your life in check.

Tighten it the fuck up!

I swear, how are you all living as adults in 2014 without learning how to keep it together.  I’m so sick of hearing back stories about myself from other people.  I’m sick of you all trying to throw the rock and hide your hand.  You’re not swift enough to stop us from figuring out your game, ashy.  Let’s take two quick scenarios.

So you’re not having a great time because you keep “running into” “old flames” who still “want you.”  Cute for you!  Live your best life and fly above ALL the haters.  But if I don’t know them, I really and truly don’t give a fuck.  By sharing all of your trashy past experiences, no matter what the topic of conversation is, you’re always going to look foolish.  Save your bedroom antics for a sleepover or your therapist.  It doesn’t make you look desirable, it makes you look desperate.

Moving on to number two.  Talking recklessly about people you consider your “friends” and casually spilling tea will get your face sliced.  Or at least your ego.  Here’s the thing.  Freudian slips happen.  Sometimes we’re trying to relate and say too much.  But if all I get from you are snide remarks and late shade, why the hell are we hanging out?

You’re mad you weren’t invited?  The exit is that-a-way! My life doesn’t revolve around you and unless you are paying my bills, you can’t direct my time.  Then to reach into my texts?  With unearned indignity?

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Keep it.  Write it in your journal and leave me the hell alone.  Better yet, take those weak reads, pack them up, and send them to the illiterate children of the Third world.  That’s the only way anyone will see them and give a shit.

I don’t know, this came across angrier than I intended.  But it really butters my biscuits to hear someone claim to be a good friend when they have offered nothing but trouble or an obnoxious attitude in the process.

How do you feel about it?  Let me know!

 

 

Random Blurbs

Hey People!  It’s Monday!

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Kidding of course…

I don’t quite have enough thoughts for a full post but here’s what’s on my mind as the week starts.

Fighting Shade with Shade

But let’s talk about raggedy people.  You know the ones.  That lie in your face with a shit-eating grin.

This weekend I caught wind of a certain bad-bodied trashbox who couldn’t keep his mouth shut and caused a stir.  Or so he thought.  After discussions with Class, we decided to take Kid Fury‘s advice.

Since someone ran their mouth trying to elevate himself, good luck finding that invitation boo!  A Save The Date ain’t an invitation.  Stay pressed and I hope you didn’t buy that bowtie yet.

The lesson here is that when you can never win when you’re dirty. Act with discretion and consideration and people won’t feel the need to play you.

Solange vs. Jay-Z

I know y’all are buzzing and I’m not here to speculate on the causes and effects of this elevator video.

That said, WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

Like what has got Solange so mad?  Twitter has been ablaze with jokes and commentary.  It’s made the day go by way faster.

But what I do know is that you relationships experts with no man and/or woman can keep your mouths shut on the issue.  We don’t need your input on a soundless video.

goodday

 

 

Instantaneous!

Now I’m not Rihanna fan but this song has always been a bop!  But the best part of the song has always been when Sean Paul randomly yells, “INSTANTANEOUS” in the background. (3:11 in the video below)

So perfect.

So that’s what’s on my mind?  What are you thinking about today??

Winning At Reality Shows

It’s the first post of the week, so let’s just take this slowly.

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So last night was Part 3 of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. Now I know that Class is working on his grades of the housewives’ performance this season, but I want to talk about it from a different perspective. I have watched so many (I mean SO MANY) reality shows over the years.  The people on these shows are not normal people and we aren’t to treat them as such.  They are performing in the vein of showing a “slice of life.”  But one thing that is clear is that there are still ways to win.

Let’s talk about them using this reunion as our examples.

1) A Well-Timed Apology

Now this is only within the context of a reality show.  People arguing and backbiting, back pedaling and smeagle popping is par for the course.  But occasionally, you have to deploy the greatest deflection technique in a reality star’s arsenal: the apology. You have to know that you’ve done too much.  Being able to say I’m sorry and convey genuine interest in what you’re saying can erase episodes worth of damage.  If you add in a story about how hard you had it growing up, then you’ll be golden. Doing it wrong and you end up showing your ass a la Nene.

When Andy Cohen asked if she was regretful about her homophobic comments, this was the time to apologize and show remorse.  By making light of her “bosses” offense, she cast herself in a hole where she’s offended the largest portion of her fan base.  And with that being the finale, she’s not going to be on air anytime soon to defend herself.  The fact that Kenya is being cheered for over her is not a good position.

2) A Well-Placed Read

Again, when it comes to slice-of-life reality shows, you have to make people want to watch you.  Being funny is the way to do this.  That is the specific appeal of these shows.  Watching horrible people who make us giggle and gives us quotables.  Who doesn’t remember “Who gone check me boo?” and “Close your legs to married men!” 

The best way to win these shows is hide your horrible real-life personality by being someone who is fun to watch.  Getting a positive edit ensures bigger paychecks, primo real estate at reunion shows, and a lot of features in the clip shows.  It also serves as a way to climb your way up the reality show ladder. On the cusp of getting fired?  Read a bish real good and get yourself to the next season.

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See this?  Regardless of how you feel about the content, Kenya, Phaedra, or Apollo, there is no denying that this moment took the night.  Wigs on the ground, fake booty leaking silicone, make-up ruined.  There was no coming back from this.  It’s so specific and so direct.  Well. Played. Phaedra.

3) Tell The Truth & Have Your Receipts

This is true in life, but especially true on nationally-televised show.  If you lie and get caught, they are going to flashback to it several times.  But if you are going to argue (and you are!), being able to call back to specific arguments and events that can be supported with a sepia-toned clip will help you win every single time.   It’s indisputable.  It’s hilarious.

Kandi Burress is way more entertaining on this show than one would imagine.  At the reunion, she and Nene got into over her blog post.  After discussing the events of the Bailey Bowl, Nene argued that she would never run from a fight.  Kandi pulled up the infamous argument at the wine bar between Nene and Sheree!

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Nene ran out with Sheree calling out a “repo at the Home Depot.”  Kandi called it out and the clip aired.  Shots. Fired.  Flawless victory.

So now that I’ve taught these lessons, share your examples.  What are your rules for reality stars??

Quickie Post: Got2BReal

Trash is still not really feeling it.

Please enjoy Queen Patti LaHelle and her masterpiece.

Bye y’all!

RuPaul’s Drag Race S6, Ep7

Hey loves!  This was a huge week to recap so I’m going to break them into the two episodes.  Right?  Right.

We’re back in the workroom after Milk’s elimination.  Trinity seems to think that someone cares that she isn’t used to the challenges.  No one does, boo.  Adore is congratulated for her win and Joslyn is congratulated for cracking the top three.

Ben makes a joke about not being in the top so he could sit down which cuts to Darienne being jealous.  Courtney complains about the resting on pretty critique.  Bianca comes in like the boss she is to say that Trinity’s “speeches” aren’t going to get her the win.

We get back and it’s time for Shemail!  References to makeup abound as Ru comes in to announce a fruit/hand modeling challenge.  Well…okay Ru.

Bianca looks so ridiculous and I love her.  Laganja manages to win, for no reason at all.

The main challenge!  RuPaul is launching her own makeup line and the challenge will be a 30-second commercial targeting different segments of women.  Because Ru is messy, she’s assigning the teams.

Adore & Laganja – Mean Girl, spoiled teenagers

Joslyn & Courtney – Hot Mamas

Bianca & Trinity – Working Girls

Darienne & Dela – Cougar Demo

Bianca is all “THANKS RU! YOU SHADY BITCH!” because like me, she is sick of Trinity.  Ru doesn’t even try to hide the machinations like she did in Season 4 with the lie detector test.  This challenge is about the drama!

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The ladies are preparing and Laganja thinks that they have  an advantage but is worried that “she won’t be the star!”  No girl.  Adore wins the confessional, saying “I was raised right, so all I can do is nervous laugh!”  Adore is a funny bitch.  Joslyn is so starstruck and Courtney is serving up all of the shade.

RuPaul comes back to check in on the girls.  Darienne can’t seem to contain her shade and jealousy.  Dela is trying to keep it together, but Darienne can’t seem to act right.  You are too old to act like that.

Bianca and Trinity are next.  Bianca is prepared because she’s amazing and Trinity continues to be soaked in flop sweat.  Ru calls her on it, but Trinity is a snippy bitch.

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Ru sincerely tries to motivate Trinity with Bianca’s support.  I would have told her to go home then with your “trying” ass.  But that’s why I don’t have a reality show.

We cut to taping where Michelle Visage and RuPaul are on set to help.  Laganja and Adore are up first. Michelle is so over Laganja, it’s not even funny.  The two can’t get the timing right on their twirls, which is funny.  Joslyn and Courtney are next and while their concept is okay, the jokes don’t land like they should.  They both look pretty but this is an area where both of these two are funny-ish.  Courtney is much funnier when she sarcastically says that they nailed it on the first take.  Good use of the Pit Crew though.

Dela & Darienne are on the set.  The concept is definitely there but it seems like Michelle isn’t feeling their style.  Trinity and Bianca are on the set. Trinity’s look as always is on point.  Bianca is being all of supportive.  Trinity BRINGS it!  But we don’t have time to coddle her.

The runway theme is black and white as we find out.  And of course, Courtney continues to keep up the shade.  Joslyn seems to realize that Courtney doesn’t respect her and I’m so sad for her.  Who is mean to Joslyn?!?! So rude.  Darienne is still serving up all of the shade.  Ma’am, you can not still be mad.  Bianca and Trinity continue to talk through their issues.  Bianca better get that positive edit.  After this Bianca: “Now don’t call me collect if you go to jail.”   I just love her.

Ru looks INCREDIBLE.  I love this look.  So stunning.  Michelle has her hair down and looks so much better.  Santino looks like Santino.  The guest judges are Roxxxy Andrews Lainie Kazan and Leah Remini!  So fun.

Time for the runway!

Laganja..looks terrible.  Like that makeup is so wack.  Her hairline and wig are wack.  She looks ridiculous.

Adore looks okay.  Her walk is still bad but the short skirt and wig work okay.  Her headpiece is blocking her face though.

Bianca del Rio is serving Manila Luzon and I am LIVING! She can do no wrong for me.

Trinity better WERQ!  Listen.  This is how it works.

Ben DelaCreme looks spectacular.  I love it.

Darienne is giving us Dynasty realness and it’s the best she’s looked.

Courtney looks incredible.  I love the head piece and sparkle.  This is what the judges meant when they asked for more than pretty.  Living for it.

Joslyn looks much better!  It’s still naked, but there’s much more style to it.

We review the commercials. Bianca & Trinity do well. It’s not funny exactly but it is really polished and they sold it. Leah and Michelle get into it and I’m laughing.  Laganja & Adore…umm.  The last line is funny, but the commercial is bland.  Laganja’s delivery is pretty awful.  Laganja is read for the look which thank God.  Michelle praises Adore for looking better on the runway. Dela & Darienne are okay.  I actually thought it was a little funny.  Not great, but not terrible.  Michelle is all , “Who are you, Dela?”  Whatever, Michelle.  Leave Dela alone. Joslyn & Courtney are meh… The delivery is on but the jokes really don’t land at all.

Santino likes Adore & Laganja’s commercial the best. Lainie really likes Bianca & Trinity on the runway.  Dela & Darienne are read for their faces in the ad.  Santino thinks Courtney looked bad in the ad (which, no).  Leah defends them but there is no defense for Joslyn’s skimpy runway ensemble.  I LOVE how into Leah is.

Back on the runway, Adore & Laganja win the challenge?

umokay

I mean, I guess.  It was between those two and Bianca & Trinity, but to be honest, none of the ads were great.  I would have given it to the latter just because Trinity stepped it up and their runway looks were baller.  Michelle seems to agree with me and vocalizes it.

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Dela & Darienne fall into the bottom two.  I can’t disagree, but again there really was no difference in the ads.  The pair lip sync to Point of No Return by Expose.

Both girls seem to be nailing a pretty lackluster song while Bianca quips that Darienne had it on cassette when it came out!  She’s so great.  I love Ben’s ability to serve burlesque moves.  Darienne collecting fake tips is brilliant.

Darienne lake is told that she is staying.  Ru fakes an elimination speech but Dela is told that she gets to stay another week!  Thank God!  We can not lose someone so talented this early.

I’m not going to lie, this episode is the first blah one of the season since the two groups combined.  The challenge had all the potential of the perfume commercials from last season, but I think that these ladies just didn’t bring it because of pairings.  Step it up queens!

On Untucked, Ru delivers another zinger.  “Excuse me, queen!  Are those buffet pants?”

All 8 queens retire to the Silver Lounge and Dela is sad because Michelle isn’t seeing the real person underneath.  Courtney & Darienne are serving up shade.  Dela is upset because she feels strongly about her drag which makes total sense.  Bianca continues to be brilliant and says that crying is not the key to vulnerability.

Laganja tries to relate and the entire group of queens roll their eyes.  Trinity smirks and knows what’s going to happen.  Anyways, this makes me smile…

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The topic shifts to Joslyn’s costume as it is so similar to last week.  Laganja and Darienne shade her and I’m so sad.  I love Joslyn and I hate that she’s upset.  Courtney says her drag is not as polished as the competition.

Trinity is messy and cracks Bianca up.  She wants kudos for acting right and stepping up to the challenge.

In the Gold Bar, Alyssa Edwards is here to be amazing!

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You better have your guns loaded.  I just love her.  “Remind yourself, you are sickening and these bitches can’t take you GIRL!  And they are jealous of your boogie!”

Alyssa actually gives some good advice and the other queens are judging the fuck out Laganja.   These shady faces are killing me!  Adore is amazing in this moment when Laganja’s nails get tangled.

When the group splits up, Joslyn shares how hurt she is by Courtney’s comments and rudity.  Joslyn calls Courtney out on her complacency.  Trinity preaches that good word and really motivates all of the queens in the room.  Aww, Trinity.  With this dash of confidence, she is much more tolerable.

The Gold Bar queens read Laganja’s voice and how she’s not acting like herself.  Adore is all, “This is not Barney & Friends!” We get all of Laganja’s history and Bianca calls her ALL THE WAY OUT. Bianca reads her outfit and her attitude.  Bianca is perfect.  

Normally, I’d tell you that I’d see you next week.  But I’ll be back later with the next episode!

 

The Return of Class!

Class is…

B –  to the mother effing -A-C-KKKKKKKKKKKK!!! Alrooooiiiiiight!!!!

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::snaps fingers in Z formation::

Shout out to that trashy hooker Trash for holding down the fort but it is time for me to return! Life got really REAL the past two months. I swear I’ve been sick for weeks straight. The weather still remains to suck and then be fabulous and then suck the next day. I’ve actually been TRYING to be shit at work, applying for new jobs, rehearsing for a musical, performing in a musical, and manage to squeeze a workout in! WHO RUN DIS MOTHA?! Not me.

Despite my efforts to be GREAT I remain: broke, unfulfilled in my job, wanting to move someplace new and start over but not wanting to give up the comfort I have now, single, not in the sickening shape I want to be, single as hell, not Beyonce, not on Broadway or on a reality show, without a yacht, no penthouse in my name, oh and did I mention single as F*CK?

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So the single thing has really been on my nerves. It has been a GOOD moment since I’ve had anyone worth a damn in my life. It really got to me when my rotten toothed, bitchass, rude, and just terrible coworker found her a boo-thang. If that over-sized Gollum looking creature can find someone…then it really must be me y’all.

I’m not going to do this today…. Let me calm myself….

As I approach 27……

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( moving on)…..I just feel that I should feel more like an adult and have an adult life and adult things. But alas, I’m still stuck in broke (really broke) college kid mode with a job that ACTUALLY requires me to put in effort. (Damn I miss those college jobs where you were paid to show up and be the funny black person in the office.) So what will it take for me to achieve greatness? A trust fund would be a great start. Or a rich baby daddy…

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But until that happens….I guess I’ll continue to be mediocre? Blah. So this is where you give me tips on how to be great! Ready?! GO!!!!

 

 

 

Keep it Simple Sundays

Soooo Sundays boil down to the three C’s for me.

Church

Cleaning

Cocktails

SO today, I’m keeping it quick and simple. Despite the fact that it is 70 degrees in North Carolina, rumors of another wave of wintery mess is on the way. I’M OVER IT! Regardless, the winter months are winding down.  What does that mean?

People are going to start running around pale and shirtless with crusty toenails hanging out. I’m never going to come for  bodies because that is just rude and unnecessary. As long as you are confident, you better work bitch! But the toenails thing….PLEASE run to the nearest salon and have them take care of them TOES! MEN AS WELL! You are NOT exempt (Gay or Straight…Don’t NOBODY want to see or feel crusty, moldy, nasty feet. Please go to Walmart and grab you a pumice stone, moisturizer,  and handle your business on the regular.) I get the appeal and freedom of flip flops and sandals, but PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR FEET. There is nothing worse than eating on the patio of restaurant, looking down on at the floor and seeing a green toenail monster looking at you surround in a seas of dead dry skin.

Just trying to help Y’ALL out with the approaching spring and summer season!

Stay classy and love ya for reading!

Bloop