self-reflection

Faux Confidence, Sealing the Deal & My Self Image

Hey folks! I hope that you had a stellar weekend.  I definitely did and I’m excited to keep it going a little bit despite my current desire to crawl in my bed.

With all of the great times and friendship, I’m reminded of some of the specific points I made in this post where I stated that I just don’t have much of a personality.  Which is weird to say, but let me try and explain.

For the most part, I think I’m cute with a few pounds to lose, decently charismatic, and fun.  Occasionally, I get off a great joke and in the right circumstances I’m completely capable of owning a room.  I love to talk about television and music, especially the storytelling aspect for television and very specific takeaways from the songs that I’ve heard.  I have a need to relate to people even in cases where my experience is not-related but I’ve convinced myself that this is the way to a human connection.  I crave validation and shine when I hear compliments from someone objective.  And lastly, I do try to humble by downplaying any perceived success on my part while showing that I’m completely capable of holding my own.

Despite that entire paragraph, I’m not sure how it all fits together.  Based on my experience last night, I feel like I came across fun and exciting only to settle into a conversation and instantly feel like I wasn’t equipped to set up the end game.  Even with the obvious easy marks, I felt like I was fighting to find flirty things to say.  I defaulted to weak ass small talk because I truly don’t know what to say.  At least not in a way that would generate real results outside of a phone number exchange.

That 0 or 100% quark is back.  I’m either sounding like a candidate for a job who is trying to impress people or a slutbucket.  And since I don’t want to be perceived as super thirsty (despite evidence to the contrary) or super easy, I tend to ask the same dumb questions because that’s what I practiced in the shower before I got to the cluh.

My trashy Abilene mantra of “You is hot, You is sexy, Guys wanna hit” may get me through the night but it’s not sticking.  Faking it until I make it keeps leading me back to the blog to write this sort of self-involved drivel.  My actual self-image isn’t improving despite me knowing objectively that there are positive things about me.

Like a small example.  I know that my friends had a good time Saturday, but we didn’t do anything.  We just sat around and they joked about it.  I can take the joke, but since I really hate feeling like I’ve disappointed people, I spent a lot of the night upset that I didn’t create a more fun experience for them.  If people act on my recommendation, I feel personally responsible for their good time.  It’s my job to make sure that they are as happy as they could have been given the situation.  That may be coming down too hard on myself (and it really is), but I want everyone to want to visit me and to hang out.  I want people to like my ideas and the thought of doing this again.  Now take this kind of pressure and apply it to situations that lack the same certainty as best friends.

I’m scared to approach guys because I don’t want to rejected.  I don’t want to run up on someone only to feel fat and ugly because I’m not their type.  I’m a little too awkward to use the staredown/eye contact trick to get them to come to me.  And even if a guy does say something, I’m ill-equipped to keep his interest.  I may be over-thinking it and projecting, but this is the real Trash.  I struggle to get out of my own way.

My friend happened to be out last night and yelled at me for doubting myself.  He quickly pointed out that I was the only one that a certain someone approached.  I honestly just felt a friendly vibe but that could have been curving myself.

What is clear is that I still have to adjust my attitude and what I’m doing.  If you don’t like the results, you can’t keep using the same tools.  I now have to equip myself somehow and in a truly, genuine way.  I don’t have any interests that generally click with people. I simply don’t have a lot of normal likes and dislikes.  But I’m going to have to present these in a way that makes people want to engage in said activities with me.  I have to stop treating interactions like interviews.  I have to relax and know that what I’ve got and who I am are going to be enough for the right person.

In other news, Atlanta you have been so sexy this weekend.  Like the city always has some cuties, but I feel like the city has been crawling with potential boo things.

But as far as the meat of this post, I don’t have a real plan yet but I hope that this makes even a little sense.  What’s going on in your world, kind readers?  Hopefully you’re feeling like a million dollars.  Why don’t you leave us a nice comment?

Forgiveness

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey Night Owls!

nightowls

If you can pull yourself away from the seductive gaze of that owl, let’s talk about forgiveness.  Specifically forgiving ourselves.

So in 2014, I committed to self-improvement.  This includes a gym membership, counseling sessions, this blog, and a job hunt.  I’ve managed to make progress in all aspects but, pardon the cliche, sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees.

In the day to day, you meet with tough days (What mean you I don’t get paid until April?), unforeseen circumstances (Oh my car was towed you say?), and gross adult choices. (I guess I don’t need those cookies!)

And you know what, we make mistakes.  We choose cocktail time over networking.  We choose Netflix over the gym.  We choose a nap over checking up on our friends.  These are all menial examples, but the point is that no one is perfect.  We don’t always do the “right” thing.  We don’t always make the “best choices”

Here is an example from my own life.  My father and I don’t have the greatest relationship (being very kind here).  When my parents were together, I always thought he was pretty cool.  He let me stay up late and brought pizza home.  After the divorce, the arrest, the death, and the estrangement, he showed up back in my life after I had built up a strong level of hatred that I was comfortable with.  But I sought some advice and thought, “You know Trash, he may be worthless and unemployed, but maybe you should at least talk to your other parent.”

Worst.  Idea. Ever.

It’s been about 9 years and I’m still trying to find the words to say “I don’t actually want to talk you.”  I’ve become indifferent towards him and there’s little that could change that, but I still have some inner demon urging me to give me another shot.  I try to, it flops, and then I’m like “WHAT THE HELL, TRASH? TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF AND LET’S GO HAVE A COCKTAIL!” 

But that inner demon really is a bitch.  What kind of child doesn’t like his father?  I mean, am I immature for not being able to see past his mistakes?  Am I petty because he sucks and I’m not trying to claim that?  Yes and yes.  But you know what, that’s the way the Do-Si-Do cookie crumbles.

Stop beating yourself up over how you feel!  Don’t punish yourself for deciding to enjoy a bag of Gummy Bears.  Don’t keep yourself up at night because did that thing that we promised to take to our graves.

I think that in the age of tiger moms, crazy high expectations in our careers, desire to look and feel as good as we can, and commitments to family and friends, we tend to have the expectation that we should never make mistakes.  That being perfect is the only acceptable answer.  And I’m here to tell you that perfection won’t help you in your current situation.  Perfection won’t keep you warm at night.  Perfection won’t keep the cops from pulling you over.  Perfection won’t get you into heaven.

Stop letting your own expectations of grandeur prevent you from living a life that will be worth remembering.  Take the time to reflect on your life and don’t dwell on the choices and decisions that didn’t lead to the “perfect” solution.  Very few lives turn out exactly as they were dreamed by 10 year-old you.

And really just unbutton your pants occasionally and breathe.  Every day is not going to be great.  Every choice isn’t going to be correct.

OH GAHT DAMN WELL.

Let’s talk about it in the comments below.  And yes, you can have some fries.