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Winning At Reality Shows

It’s the first post of the week, so let’s just take this slowly.

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So last night was Part 3 of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. Now I know that Class is working on his grades of the housewives’ performance this season, but I want to talk about it from a different perspective. I have watched so many (I mean SO MANY) reality shows over the years.  The people on these shows are not normal people and we aren’t to treat them as such.  They are performing in the vein of showing a “slice of life.”  But one thing that is clear is that there are still ways to win.

Let’s talk about them using this reunion as our examples.

1) A Well-Timed Apology

Now this is only within the context of a reality show.  People arguing and backbiting, back pedaling and smeagle popping is par for the course.  But occasionally, you have to deploy the greatest deflection technique in a reality star’s arsenal: the apology. You have to know that you’ve done too much.  Being able to say I’m sorry and convey genuine interest in what you’re saying can erase episodes worth of damage.  If you add in a story about how hard you had it growing up, then you’ll be golden. Doing it wrong and you end up showing your ass a la Nene.

When Andy Cohen asked if she was regretful about her homophobic comments, this was the time to apologize and show remorse.  By making light of her “bosses” offense, she cast herself in a hole where she’s offended the largest portion of her fan base.  And with that being the finale, she’s not going to be on air anytime soon to defend herself.  The fact that Kenya is being cheered for over her is not a good position.

2) A Well-Placed Read

Again, when it comes to slice-of-life reality shows, you have to make people want to watch you.  Being funny is the way to do this.  That is the specific appeal of these shows.  Watching horrible people who make us giggle and gives us quotables.  Who doesn’t remember “Who gone check me boo?” and “Close your legs to married men!” 

The best way to win these shows is hide your horrible real-life personality by being someone who is fun to watch.  Getting a positive edit ensures bigger paychecks, primo real estate at reunion shows, and a lot of features in the clip shows.  It also serves as a way to climb your way up the reality show ladder. On the cusp of getting fired?  Read a bish real good and get yourself to the next season.

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See this?  Regardless of how you feel about the content, Kenya, Phaedra, or Apollo, there is no denying that this moment took the night.  Wigs on the ground, fake booty leaking silicone, make-up ruined.  There was no coming back from this.  It’s so specific and so direct.  Well. Played. Phaedra.

3) Tell The Truth & Have Your Receipts

This is true in life, but especially true on nationally-televised show.  If you lie and get caught, they are going to flashback to it several times.  But if you are going to argue (and you are!), being able to call back to specific arguments and events that can be supported with a sepia-toned clip will help you win every single time.   It’s indisputable.  It’s hilarious.

Kandi Burress is way more entertaining on this show than one would imagine.  At the reunion, she and Nene got into over her blog post.  After discussing the events of the Bailey Bowl, Nene argued that she would never run from a fight.  Kandi pulled up the infamous argument at the wine bar between Nene and Sheree!

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Nene ran out with Sheree calling out a “repo at the Home Depot.”  Kandi called it out and the clip aired.  Shots. Fired.  Flawless victory.

So now that I’ve taught these lessons, share your examples.  What are your rules for reality stars??

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Pull Over! Team Trash is Back!

Woop Woop!

Hey people, I’m finally feeling like myself again.

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Despite my good mood, y’all hoes continue to try the fuck out of it.  Let’s take a look.

“Natural Hair for White Girls”

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Where do I even start at this point?  Like don’t you all ever get tired?  This dumb broad didn’t read this and think, “Oh, I might offend everyone with my malformed attempt at satire?”  She didn’t take any time to actually look at what natural hair means to Black women.

But let’s slow down.  The first “joke” is that she is part of the most statistically oppressed group in America. This is a trap.  What you absolutely never want to do is compare your struggle in an effort to out “oppression” anyone.  Especially as a white woman.  Every person has their individual struggles and every group has a goal that they are working towards.  To recklessly make a joke about being an oppressed white woman without context is dangerous and frankly, irresponsible.

Let me pull a direct quote from this thing.

“We can’t simply refuse to shampoo and condition and get that look in the way that women of color can. This is the face and scalp of black privilege, and if we want a more cohesive society, we need to peel that black scalp back and take a look at the systems that oppress us.”

This ashy ho has somehow interpreted natural hair as not washing or maintaining hair.

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Source: RealityTVGifs)

Besides the sheer inanity of this statement, there really is a far worse implication here.  That natural hair as it grows is “dirty” and “unkempt”.  Without knowing it (because obviously she’s too dumb to function as a real member of society), she has insulted all Black women.  With the actual amount of issues black women encounter on a regular basis (included casual insults from other Black people), now is definitely not the time to sound like a slave master arguing the 3/5 rule.

“The two black women I know – Acura and Delicious, coworkers of mine – come into the teachers’ lounge every day with a sense of confidence that I could only hope to one day fake. Where does that proud sista-girl disposition come from? It comes from their exotic manes.”

Acura and Delicious are obviously real coworkers.  She didn’t make these up these “ethnic” names for the sake of insulting stereotypical Black names while also insulting their attitudes.  Why do they get to be proud of who they are?  Why do they get to enjoy their lives?  It can’t be because they worked hard to get their education degrees and obtain employment.  It can’t be because they are happy with who they are.

It must be their “dirty” afros that give the confidence that I so clearly lack because I’m not doing enough in my own life.  They are so exotic and different. I simply can’t accept their choices because it makes them different than me.

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(Source: RealityTVGifs)

 

“But, how can I have it? How can I get that ethnic flavor? How can we, as white women, cast off the shackles of the patriarchy and achieve true beauty and agency through the power of natural hair? How can we join in and have a part of that look – the part that is naturally owed to us as women?”

Because these women, Acura and Delicious, are happy ONLY BECAUSE OF THEIR HAIR, I’ve decided that I deserve that same happiness.

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I don’t just deserve it, I’m OWED it because I’m a woman.  Our struggles are EXACTLY the same and the only fix to this is for me to somehow obtain an afro.

Sorry, I have to cut the sarcasm here again.  Though this is “satire”, she still does not get how much she has just marginalized an entire group of people.  To ignore all of the actual challenges that Black women face in an effort to jokingly wonder how white women will ever catch up is so selfish and ignorant.  It truly blows my mind that the phrase “oppressed white lady hair” is actually something she typed.

For YEARS, Black people (women and men) used dangerous chemicals in order to fit in with white people.  Relaxers, weaves, and hot combs are all products used to straighten out the natural curls and kinks of our hair in order to fit the standard.  Shit, Countess Vaughn got incredibly sick because of a lace-front wig.  Madame C.J. Walker became the first Black female millionaire through hair care products.  Your “white” hair is not oppressed.  It served and continues to serve as the absolute standard of beauty for all people.  This is in fact why the natural hair counter-culture developed. Natural hair helps to empower Black women because they are allowed to believe who they are is enough.  The “instructions” that this asshole gives in order to change their look to an afro makes light of Black history and the continued struggle to assimilate into “American” culture.

The next few paragraphs of this fuckshit go on to “instruct” white women to use a combination of motor oil, Vaseline, gasoline, and bleach to strip all of the nutrients out of their hair. Making their hair so fragile and unhealthy is the key to happiness, Black lady style!

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Like I said earlier, the implication here is that the hair that grows out of Black women’s head is unhealthy, weak, and less than ideal.  Don’t forget that it’s all dirty and unkempt!  Pride comes from being a gross Black lady!

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Now listen, I’m a dude.  I’m not a woman with natural hair, so I don’t claim to be an authority on the topic.  But what I do know from discussions with my friends and family is that the power to choose how you want to look is one of the reasons that these women feel confident in themselves.  Their hair is not exotic.  Their hair is not to be mocked in some dumbass “Thought Catalog” blog because you think that you are so clever.  Making jokes about race, especially in light of the past few years, is not easy and not for the stupid.

What this woman has done in an effort to get a few chuckles is reinforce the notion that Black women are unclean and unnatural.  She has implied that Black women should not have the facility to decide how they want to look based on their own merits.  Every decision made is an attempt to embarrass white women.  There is a conspiracy to use their “gross” hair to take over.

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The fact that the editors at a blog called “Thought Catalog” didn’t see the problem with this piece is scary as well.  This was not funny, not informative, and not an opinion that we needed.  To see people defend it and frame Black people as quick to jump to offense lack basic critical reading skills.  I’ve mentioned to a few people that the worst type of racism (for me) is the complacent type who are resistant to change because it makes them uncomfortable.  They would rather not say anything and comfort themselves with the belief that it is “not me” who is being racist and therefore it’s okay.  It’s dangerous and these are the people who block change silently.  I’ll take the KKK over you any fucking day.

In addition, one of the frequent complaints that I’ve heard about feminism is their refusal to acknowledge the difference in the struggle of the minority woman.  The complete disregard of intersectionality has weakened the movement and creates more problems than the group seems to be able to solve.  To me, this article demonstrates the clear amount of disrespect that black feminists complain about.  I’m not even a woman and I’m livid.

What are your thoughts?  Do you think I’m overreacting?  (I’m not.)  Do you think that the post should be removed?  (It should.) Let me know in the comments.  Seriously, I would love to you all weigh in on the issue.

 

My Favorite Real Housewives Tunes

We here at Class and Trash love terrible music, especially the songs of the Real Housewives.  So we got together with our friend over at Overactive Blogger to rank our top 3 favorite housewife singles.  There are bound to be some repeats (Trash purposely left off Chic, C’est La Vie) because you can’t dispute quality.  Let’s get started!

Overactive Blogger

1) Chic, C’est La Vie – Countess Luann (RHONY)

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2) On Display – Melissa Gorga (RHONJ)

 

3) Tardy For the Party – Kim Zolciak (RHOA)

Class

1) Tardy For the Party – Kim Zolciak (RHOA)

 

2) Money Can’t Buy You Class – Countess Luann (RHONY)

 

3) Who Gone Check Me Boo? – Sheree Whitfield (RHOA)

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Trash

1) Money Can’t Buy You Class – Countess Luann (RHONY)

 

2) Gone With The Wind Fabulous – Kenya Moore (RHOA)

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3) Bump It – Michelle Salahi (RHODC) 

 

So what are your favorites?  I’m super disappointed that we left out Google Me and Close To You. Let us know in the comments!

 

 

Guest Post: The One

Coming to you for the 99 and the 2000, we’re happy to have another Guest Post from Brash.  You may remember her from Trash traveling to The Read Live in New York.  Show her some love! -Team Trash

Hey y’all! This is B to the Rash – capuhtul B means I’m bout dat life. Or…just Brash. Hi. Class and Trash have graciously allowed me to contribute to this hilarious blog. I haven’t really had a strong, formulated opinion about anything lately, but recently I’m beginning to think I’m being trolled by social media.

It seems like everybody is finding ‘the one’ these days. At least according to my Facebook feed filled with incessant engagement announcements, wedding albums, and links to blog posts about married life.  Personally, I do happen to believe there is someone special out there for everyone. And I don’t believe this just because I’m another one of Disney’s Happily Ever After victims. I truly feel that there is someone out there who will tolerate my surliness, my propensity to nap for hours upon end, my extreme reluctance to ever leave my bed, my love affair with anything fried, and perhaps my complete lack of interest in doing anything physical that doesn’t involve a happy ending for me. But enough about my issues that I refuse to take any steps to resolve. How are people knowing if they have found ‘the one’, particularly at the tender age of 20 something?!?

A lot (not all mind you but A LOT) of these couples have dated a couple of years fresh out of college, gotten into the rhythm of having decent sex, pooping in front of each other, sharing an Amazon prime account, etc., then decide they allegedly want to spend the rest of their lives together.

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Full disclosure: I am a single woman with a slight (read: major) aversion to marriage. The thought of being legally bound to someone for the rest of my life sends me into a full blown panic attack. However, I think I’m raising a valid question whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married. How do you know, from just dating this person for 2 or 3 years, and you are only a 25 year old with next to zero life experience, that THIS is the person you want to wake up to everyday for the next 50 or 60 years? I mean. There’s stuff in my freezer that have lasted longer than some of my relationships that I’m still iffy about. And with the casual way that people marry and divorce…

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…I’m just a little hesitant when people feel the need to flood my timeline about every activity that they do with ‘the one’ but can’t define their singular hopes and dreams outside of their relationship. I remember asking a classmate, who had been telling me about this guy she’d been seeing for several months, in a half-serious way if the guy was the one. This girl looked me dead in the eye and breathed out ‘I think so.’

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What is the point to this post, one might ask? Are these just the bitter ramblings of a single woman? Nah. Y’all can keep your love where you have to share things like a bathroom and wake up to morning breath. For now Netflix and Adam & Eve are doing their job quite nicely. My point, however, is with the way that people sashay into our lives on a constant basis for a season or two, shouldn’t we use a little more precaution when bestowing upon someone such a heavy title? Maybe go through a life experience or two before we assign that label? I just think ‘the one’ has been watered down and overused to something unrecognizable. That being said, I’ll let y’all in on a little secret: I’ve already found my ‘the one.’ They’re actually 4 ‘the ones.’ They’re my best friends and my soulmates. And now that I have officially ripped off a Carrie Bradshaw quote and at the risk of rambling like one of those Cosmopolitan magazine articles, I’m out.

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Why Nene Leakes is My Spirit Animal

Well Class has had a rough go the past two weeks.

Let. Me. Tell. You.

I will TRY to be better but until I AM actually better… here is a quick post on Nene Leakes. I don’t care what anyone has to say, she is and will always be my boo! She is just GREAT! Don’t like her? You mad.

 

Nene Hairflip

This one moment from a couple seasons back secures her spot in my life. It sums up my diet and exercise habits perfectly.

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Hungry Nene

I like to workout but eating is way more fun. This prevents me from getting in SICKENING shape. Oh well! One day Nene and I will have a delicious meal and lots of wine. (Dream, believe, and receive y’all!)

Let’s all have a fantastic weekend! Shimmy and shake the weekend away! Hug your friends and just love life, okay?! Okay! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?!

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Love ya for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

Stay Out Of My BUSINESS

Nosey. Ass. Coworkers…. That’s that ish I DON’T LIKE!

One of the struggles about being young in the work place is that some coworkers look down upon our youth and beauty. They act like we are incapable of doing our jobs. Well, you have it twisted….check my credentials. I went on the same damn interview that you went on.

Here’s my situation:

After two years of teaching high school, I felt it was time to jump off of a sinking ship. Sure I loved the crap out of my students but love was not keeping me sane. Not willing to give up on teaching, I spent the summer searching for a new job. I stressed out all summer and then a music position FINALLY opened up. I’m really good at interviews and landed the job. This is where things got awkward…

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I am a band guy. Frankly strings (especially middle school age) irritate me. Well…..SURPRISE I’m required to teach band and ORCHESTRA! The other surprise? The previous director WAS PULLED FROM HER POSITION and is STILL ON STAFF.

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Let me tell you about this ho. She is the f*g 3000 girl (F*g 3000). She is the one I had to block on Facebook because she tried to rat me out about some bull (that was none of her BUSINESS). She constantly comes knocking on my door, looking around my classroom, asking to borrow my lesson plans, and being down right ANNOYING. This morning she comes to me…”did you skip the clinic last weekend?”

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Bitch, are you having a good day?! Don’t answer because I DON’T CARE! Stop worrying about my life. No, I did not go on Saturday and the other BAND DIRECTORS (which you are no longer one of) knew. I have the email saved as proof you jerk. I am so sick of her meddling in my business. Girl, even if I left next year you STILL WOULDN’T GET YOUR JOB BACK because you are NOT good at what you do. Fall Back. Even when she bought a new car, it became “Now you don’t have the newest car anymore ::giggles aways::” Trick, are you FIVE YEARS OLD?

She has one more time to shade me about my eating habits. “I know you’re watching your figure but…” “No one on staff sees you eat?” “Why do you workout so much.” I just want to say…look at me….now look at yourself. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing while you down 35 sodas in a day, eat all the fried, processed, terrible foods for your body; YET you still complain about turning 40, being single, and having high blood pressure and diabetes. You don’t want to this to me.

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I’m not a damn kid. You do not have to babysit me. Stay out of my office, classroom, and email inbox. No one likes you. You are mean, nosy, and you look like a garden gnome. I have had it with you trying to throw me under the bus. Have you noticed, that your students don’t miss you? I’m not the one you want to play with. Okay?!

Thank you and GOOD. DAY.

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Y’all have annoying coworkers or nah? Comment, follow, and all that jazz!

Love ya for reading!!!

“You’re single because you’re rude!”

Heyyyy bitchessss!!!!!

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Y’all know those weeks where you actually have to work? Yeah that was this week. Between teaching and rehearsals I haven’t had a moment to get my life together and my apartment is the living proof of that (hot tranny MESS). Now it’s Friday and I got my victory cocktail in hand….Let’s do this blog thing!

Soooo recently I asked a friend to assess why I was single. To sum it up, I was told that I’m shady and rude to new people when I don’t like them.

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The specific situation went down like this: We were at a bar when these two tricks motioned for us to come over. So we went and sat down. After engaging in a short conversation, I quickly realized “nah girl, this is not for me.” So I Did what Nene Leakes would do and promptly got up and walked away leaving my friend to say “he’s just shy”. Was this right? Yes and no.

No. Because I could have at least ended the conversation politely but… Sometimes my sass gets the better hand of me…When my inner Sasha Fierce takes over, there is no hope.

Yes because….Y’all I just know what I want from a potential mate. I really do. (Trash, I think it’s time we make a list of what things our potential mate ABSOLUTELY needs to have. Like amazing teeth and no student loans or an up to date student loan account). As I approach 27 (DEAR GOD) this year, I feel that I need not settle for the first thing that comes my way. When I see something I don’t like, why am I going to waste my time with it? If someone presented you with a nasty plate of food that you KNOW you don’t like, are you going to eat it?! The answer is no! If you said yes, come over and I’m cooking you the nastiest dish I can create in my kitchen. Complete with the all the stuff that finds it way to the back of the refrigerator and freezer.

People say all the time “date someone you wouldn’t normally be attracted too.” This is cool and all and I agree to an extend; BUT if we walk into the situation and I already have doubts, I PROMISE it won’t work out. For example, I WILL not sit and pretend that I am okay talking to someone that looks and smells like they just crawled out of a sewer. While that person may be WONDERFUL, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t care for themselves. Or if you are 35 and you are just working at the window at McDonalds. Now. A job is a job and if I lost mine today, I’d have no shame in taking your order. That will not, however, diminish my ambition to be great. So I can’t POSSIBLY date someone with no ambition or plan to be the best version of themselves.

Am I demanding too much or what? Any relationship guru’s out there COMMENT and help a BROTHA OUT?! She by Sheree doesn’t keep me warm at night! (If you get the reference…Send a message 😉 ) But really is it time for me to lower my standards or keep searching? Let Class know! Tweet us y’all! Comment! Let’s find love in hopeless places together y’all!!!

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