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Hey y’all!!!

dusting

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Needless to say, the final weeks of 2014 were a bust in several ways.  There were things to discuss, but nothing was positive and our drafts listing is filled with half-written posts.  But it’s a new year and I’ve decided to dive back in as a manner of expressing myself again. So let’s talk.

What’s Yo (Relationship) Status at the Bank?
Guess who happens to still be single in the most vivid way imaginable?

thisguy

Over the course of the holidays, it was almost as if everything I did involved hanging with couples, listening to the drama between couples, or getting advice on how to end up in a couple.  It was harsh to say the least.

Even worse, I realized that my type is still relatively elusive.  While Class may try to act like my requirements for dating are obscure, they are actually not that bad.  But the two requirements that are most important to me seem to be the hardest to find.  Internally motivated and an interesting conversationalist seem to be rarities these days.  Lacking in these areas render even the most superficially attractive specimen useless in my world.

But the largest obstacle standing in my way is my reluctance to put myself out there.  For many years, it was fear of rejection that held me back.  That I was too big or not attractive enough to be worth anyone’s attention.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I’m okay looking.  I’m relatively funny.  I’ve got some things going for me.  Also, I’m Important.

popit

Seriously though, I’ve exhausted my desire to go out.  I’m tired of checking apps and dating sites.  I’m just in this place where I’d rather not be bothered.  That attitude doesn’t fix the situation, but it is where I’m at these days.  We’ll see what changes this year.

On Blackness
This blog isn’t even a year old and we have a full archive on Race Issues.

But it seems 2014 was the year where racists just said “Fuck It” and went hard in the paint to make America miserable unsafe for Black people. I remember back when President Obama was elected, there was a mixed feeling of elation and fear.  One of the biggest lessons I’d learned was that when white people feel a loss of perceived power, they lash out.  No matter what.  Whether it’s getting angry and upset with harsh words and attempts to ruin the victor’s credibility or attempting to utilize the one perceived slight as an example of how hard they have it, it is going to happen.  The only other reaction I’ve ever seen is the defense “I’m not racist, I hate everyone.  Racist comment, racist comment, racist comment.”  That’s probably the worst of all.

But to keep myself from going full-on thesis, here’s Miles Jai:

Here’s Chescaleigh:

Here’s Tre Melvin:

I’m using these as examples because I’m trying to swallow this rage and keep it trucking. But the end result is that people are pissed at the injustice.  And no one cares how much it inconveniences you.  Our lives are at stake.  Until there is real change, there will truly be no peace.

Pettiness and Heartbreaks: Celebrity Style
cph

“Cut that Chinese Pussy Hair off my face. Lol”

When I tell you that Sass and I cackled for hours on end over the Lispy/Fanny Pack brief separation.  But something about this douchey face and the Lol sent me over the moon.

Both of these people truly need to leave their lives off the internet, but for the first time in ages, I laughed at their antics instead of rolling my eyes.  The involvement of Drake. Her tears of melancholy and faux-inspirational Instagrams from the Jhene Aiko playbook of songwriting.  The phrase “Chinese Pussy Hair”.  This is classic.

2014 also saw the breakup of Amber Rose & Wiz Latifah. I like Amber and Wiz is entertaining to look up so hopefully things will be good for their baby.  However, this my friends:

is good times. I love this like I love cheese.

Some Last Minute Jams
Here’s two of my favorite songs.  Leggo!

In The Presence Of Mirrors – PM Dawn

Ugh, love this group so much.  I wore my aunt’s cassette for “Of The Heart, Of the Soul, And of the Cross” out when I borrowed it back in middle/high school.  They have an interesting way of speaking about life and love in a way that’s emotional and masculine if that makes sense.  It’s melodic but it’s funky.  It’s definitely a product of the early 90’s free-for-all music scene. I’ll leave the song’s interpretation up to you, but this song still takes me to a place of wondering who I am and what I’m doing.

Please Don’t Turn Me On – Artful Dodger

With my very public love of Craig David, I don’t think it is surprising that UK Garage music appeals to me. Artful Dodger did some production work on Craig’s first album too, but it wasn’t until much later that I took a dive into his singles. I love the softness of his production, the abundance of harmonies, and his ability to give songs a groove while downplaying the drumbeat. It’s all very lush, if that makes sense.  This song makes me happy.

So what’s happening in your world? Are you looking forward to 2015?

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Faux Confidence, Sealing the Deal & My Self Image

Hey folks! I hope that you had a stellar weekend.  I definitely did and I’m excited to keep it going a little bit despite my current desire to crawl in my bed.

With all of the great times and friendship, I’m reminded of some of the specific points I made in this post where I stated that I just don’t have much of a personality.  Which is weird to say, but let me try and explain.

For the most part, I think I’m cute with a few pounds to lose, decently charismatic, and fun.  Occasionally, I get off a great joke and in the right circumstances I’m completely capable of owning a room.  I love to talk about television and music, especially the storytelling aspect for television and very specific takeaways from the songs that I’ve heard.  I have a need to relate to people even in cases where my experience is not-related but I’ve convinced myself that this is the way to a human connection.  I crave validation and shine when I hear compliments from someone objective.  And lastly, I do try to humble by downplaying any perceived success on my part while showing that I’m completely capable of holding my own.

Despite that entire paragraph, I’m not sure how it all fits together.  Based on my experience last night, I feel like I came across fun and exciting only to settle into a conversation and instantly feel like I wasn’t equipped to set up the end game.  Even with the obvious easy marks, I felt like I was fighting to find flirty things to say.  I defaulted to weak ass small talk because I truly don’t know what to say.  At least not in a way that would generate real results outside of a phone number exchange.

That 0 or 100% quark is back.  I’m either sounding like a candidate for a job who is trying to impress people or a slutbucket.  And since I don’t want to be perceived as super thirsty (despite evidence to the contrary) or super easy, I tend to ask the same dumb questions because that’s what I practiced in the shower before I got to the cluh.

My trashy Abilene mantra of “You is hot, You is sexy, Guys wanna hit” may get me through the night but it’s not sticking.  Faking it until I make it keeps leading me back to the blog to write this sort of self-involved drivel.  My actual self-image isn’t improving despite me knowing objectively that there are positive things about me.

Like a small example.  I know that my friends had a good time Saturday, but we didn’t do anything.  We just sat around and they joked about it.  I can take the joke, but since I really hate feeling like I’ve disappointed people, I spent a lot of the night upset that I didn’t create a more fun experience for them.  If people act on my recommendation, I feel personally responsible for their good time.  It’s my job to make sure that they are as happy as they could have been given the situation.  That may be coming down too hard on myself (and it really is), but I want everyone to want to visit me and to hang out.  I want people to like my ideas and the thought of doing this again.  Now take this kind of pressure and apply it to situations that lack the same certainty as best friends.

I’m scared to approach guys because I don’t want to rejected.  I don’t want to run up on someone only to feel fat and ugly because I’m not their type.  I’m a little too awkward to use the staredown/eye contact trick to get them to come to me.  And even if a guy does say something, I’m ill-equipped to keep his interest.  I may be over-thinking it and projecting, but this is the real Trash.  I struggle to get out of my own way.

My friend happened to be out last night and yelled at me for doubting myself.  He quickly pointed out that I was the only one that a certain someone approached.  I honestly just felt a friendly vibe but that could have been curving myself.

What is clear is that I still have to adjust my attitude and what I’m doing.  If you don’t like the results, you can’t keep using the same tools.  I now have to equip myself somehow and in a truly, genuine way.  I don’t have any interests that generally click with people. I simply don’t have a lot of normal likes and dislikes.  But I’m going to have to present these in a way that makes people want to engage in said activities with me.  I have to stop treating interactions like interviews.  I have to relax and know that what I’ve got and who I am are going to be enough for the right person.

In other news, Atlanta you have been so sexy this weekend.  Like the city always has some cuties, but I feel like the city has been crawling with potential boo things.

But as far as the meat of this post, I don’t have a real plan yet but I hope that this makes even a little sense.  What’s going on in your world, kind readers?  Hopefully you’re feeling like a million dollars.  Why don’t you leave us a nice comment?

Quickie Post: Lies, Fairy Tales, & Fallacies

So this is real quick since I finally get to go back to Atlanta today!  (Which is really starting to feel like home)

But you know, some of you have to stop lying on these little profiles girl.  Now I’m not as opposed to online dating as Class but I do have many of the same issues he has.

However, ladies and gents, we have to keep it real in these mean online streets.  Put your actual height.  Put your actual weight (not your goal weight or your pre-college weight).  Don’t say you love something that you don’t.  Put up a recent picture.  You know, if you actually want to date someone on these sites, don’t be a disappointment when you meet in person.  My plan is to put up pictures of me at my average (which is to say including what I look like at work) with one picture of me when my genes are on 100.  I also save it for last, because I don’t look like that everyday.  That’s me snatching wigs.  This first pic is the Trash you’re going to see during the week.  And if you like that, you damn sure are going to love when I’m feeling my beat and my bang.

So that’s all.  Have a great one and I WILL be back for Trashy Thursday!

Smooches!

Y’all Can Keep Your Online Dating

Hello friends. This is Class!!!

I am currently reconstructing my life and blogging just has taken a back burner but Trash keeps coming for my wig so… Here we go.

It’s Friday which most likely means I will spend my night with wine, contemplating my life as a bachelor.

Part of my reconstruction includes my love life or rather….the lack there of. Past relationships were great when they were great but when they flopped it took a toll on my trust. So I decided, to not date and just live life as a strong, sassy, independent woman (well man). But after a couple of years and some trashy hooker wig nights (which are NONE your business. yolo my readers!), I find myself prepared to love again.

I’m young. Fun. Got my looks together… So this should be easy right? Heck no.

This is where all you happy relationship people say , “OMG you should totes online date! Have you like tried tinder? What about Plenty Of Fish?”

Girl. Shut up.

A) Despite some of my choices, I’m extremely old school and will nevah have to say “Oh, we met online”. It ain’t going down like that. I get the changing climate of dating but I’m not giving up hope that one can find love in a more organic way that doesn’t waste my data plan with Verizon.

B) A lot of people on these apps are looking for a quick hookup. When you open an introduction with “How big is your wang?” You can go stand in the middle of a busy highway and wait for me to show you. I’ll be riiiiight there.

C) Some of y’all too damn clingy. Don’t start talking long term with someone YOU HAVE NEVER MET. It drives me crazy. I was just trying to be polite and you planning on moving in together. Fuck outta here.

D) To quote Heidi Montag, “They say I’m superficial.” And I just might be, but that doesn’t change that there are some people that can make a cockroach look appealing on these apps. By the same token, those of you who use your “model” shots as your main profile pic but two pics over we see the real you in a dirty mirror selfie… I have one thing to say to youuuu…. YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE! Get outta here with that. Have me all excited thinking I found Shemar Moore but really you look like a dying mongoose.

E) If you’re married or in a seemingly serious relationship and you are on one of these apps, you are nasty and I personally hope you penis (or vagina) falls off because we know what you’re doing and it ain’t cute. And no, YOU ARE NOT JUST LOOKING FOR FRIENDS YA NASTY HOOKER.

To my relationship friends who have never had to use online dating, leave us single folk who don’t want to date online alone. TRUST ME, it is not as glamorous as the eHarmony commercials make it look.

Moral of this blog is, I have no desire to date online. So leave me be. I don’t want a profile made, nothing. When a relationship is meant to happen, it will happen.

K thanks bye!

HAPPY FRIDAY! Get them bottles poppin’!!!

Transformations

Morning party people!  I’m feeling renewed after a long and interesting weekend.  But I’m figured it was time to really get back into this thing.  So let’s talk.

Now you all know that I’ve been working on me in terms of finding my inner skinny, becoming more mental healthy, and looking for a boo thing.  And to be honest, I’ve been relatively successful in my short time in Atlanta.  Next week will mark three months since I’ve moved and I’m down 10 more pounds, I managed to snag a date, and I’m not up at night worrying about tomorrow.  This isn’t meant to brag or boast, as I haven’t quite adjusted to all of these changes.

Today, I actually woke up on my first alarm, got out of bed, and went to the gym.  Me!

Shockandawe

You know how I feel about working out.  I still hate working out, but I know that it’s a necessary evil if I want to lose weight.  That combined more conscious versions of my favorite dishes have really helped. I’ve even found a brand of Greek Yogurt that doesn’t make me want to hurl.

While that doubt creeps in occasionally yelling “You’re fat, ho!” I know that I’m doing the best I can and not to beat myself up if I decide to grab a taco or burger.

I had a draft post discussing the challenge that friend of the blog, Asian Sensation, came up with last month.  Essentially, the goal was to have someone to flirt with by June 15th, otherwise you would have to go on a date with the first person online who messages you.  My matches are and have always been trash (and not in the good way), so it was imperative that this did not happen.

This has led to me going out SOOOOO MUCH.  By myself even.  And I hate doing that almost as much as I hate working out.  But you know, the efforts have paid off.  I’ve met some really nice people who I could see becoming great friends and even perhaps more.  There’s always a messy element when you’re coming into established groups of friends, but I’m navigating it as best I can.

And lastly, let’s get a bit more serious.  Six months ago, I didn’t even like waking up in the morning.  I hate my job, my face, my body, all of that.  I was at a breaking point.  While I can’t say that I’m fully recovered from that depression, I’m really working to make sure that I see the value in my life and making sure that I try my raise my self-confidence.  I’m still going to meet with a counselor soon, but my hope is that the focus will be on my internal distress and not the environmental factors that drove me batty before.

So that’s the skinny on my life.  I’m on Episode 5 of OINTB and I’ll have my notes once I finish the season.  But needless to say, it’s amazing so far.

Let’s chat.  Have you been working to improve your life this year?  How are you progressing?  What’s your motivation?  Let me know!

You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride

Hey people!

We’re back!  Both Class and I decided to take the long weekend and just relax a bit.  That doesn’t mean that we’ve forgotten about you.  As a brief update, I went out a bit this weekend, had a cookout at my new place, and ate all my lost weight in food.

cookie

But let’s get back into the dating scene.  I’m currently on the hunt for a boo-thing to spend time with.  I’m not even ashamed to admit that.  I was inspired to sit down and really come up with a list of qualities that I’m looking for.  I thought that I’d share them with you as a means of thinking my way through this process.  So let’s break this down:

Required

1) Nice Teeth

bh1

So seriously, you have to have your teeth in check.  A nice smile is so warm and inviting.  It just makes me want to talk to you and work hard to make someone smile.  Also, the attention to detail paid to teeth is a sign that you pay attention to the things that matter.  At least to me.

2) Positive Attitude

focus

So, I love sarcasm. I love being lazy.  But the truth of the matter is that whenever I do find someone, I really want someone who is willing to help me be better.  Like tell me to go to the gym or go work out with me.  Someone to tell me to study and get up from watching my 20th episode of Fairly Oddparents in a row.  It’s not that I won’t do it by myself, but it’s always nice to feel like you have someone’s support.  Especially as I continue to try and improve myself.

3) Rhythm

dance

I don’t think it’s a secret that I love to dance like Nathaniel. And I need my boo to keep up.  I also love a random dance party which involves me putting on a playlist and getting Janet Jackson around my house.  I need you to join me without even blinking.

4) Intelligence

smart

I’m not saying that you have to be a rocket scientist, but I do want to discuss real issues occasionally.  I want to feel like I can learn something from you and that you can do the same.  Silliness is way more fun when you know there’s some brain power behind it.

5) Sense of Humor

hilarious

I need to laugh, boo!  I want to go joke for joke.  I want to be in stitches when you tell me stories.  Please don’t take yourself so seriously.

This is a non-negotiable.  But honestly, if you can’t laugh together what kind of relationship do you have?

Would Likes

1) My Height or Taller

heights

I’m not a tall man.  I’m average height.  What’s wrong with being close to my height?  This used to be a hard and fast rule for me, but I’m working on being less superficial and therefore, have softened my stance.  It’s still a preference though.

2) Facial Hair

ambrose

Tee Hee, his name is Ambrose Burnside.  Who doesn’t love historical humor??

But seriously, I like a little bit of hair on a dude.  It’s not necessary, but it seriously improves some people’s looks.

3) Independent

independent

Let me be clear.  This is still a requirement, but I’ve moved it down to this section because I’ve loosened a bit on what independent means.  Independent means self-sufficient with a plan for the future.  I want you to have a car and a home, but I understand staying with a relative to save up money for a specific reason.  I understand cost cutting, especially while working on second degrees.

Essentially, I want an adult who is making reasonable adult decisions in order to live a better life.  I don’t have time to be childish.

So I think that this is my list.  I’m sure there are other traits that will come to light later.  What about you all?  What are the non-negotiables for you? What can you live without even if you prefer it.

The Return of Class!

Class is…

B –  to the mother effing -A-C-KKKKKKKKKKKK!!! Alrooooiiiiiight!!!!

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::snaps fingers in Z formation::

Shout out to that trashy hooker Trash for holding down the fort but it is time for me to return! Life got really REAL the past two months. I swear I’ve been sick for weeks straight. The weather still remains to suck and then be fabulous and then suck the next day. I’ve actually been TRYING to be shit at work, applying for new jobs, rehearsing for a musical, performing in a musical, and manage to squeeze a workout in! WHO RUN DIS MOTHA?! Not me.

Despite my efforts to be GREAT I remain: broke, unfulfilled in my job, wanting to move someplace new and start over but not wanting to give up the comfort I have now, single, not in the sickening shape I want to be, single as hell, not Beyonce, not on Broadway or on a reality show, without a yacht, no penthouse in my name, oh and did I mention single as F*CK?

1

So the single thing has really been on my nerves. It has been a GOOD moment since I’ve had anyone worth a damn in my life. It really got to me when my rotten toothed, bitchass, rude, and just terrible coworker found her a boo-thang. If that over-sized Gollum looking creature can find someone…then it really must be me y’all.

I’m not going to do this today…. Let me calm myself….

As I approach 27……

glorage

( moving on)…..I just feel that I should feel more like an adult and have an adult life and adult things. But alas, I’m still stuck in broke (really broke) college kid mode with a job that ACTUALLY requires me to put in effort. (Damn I miss those college jobs where you were paid to show up and be the funny black person in the office.) So what will it take for me to achieve greatness? A trust fund would be a great start. Or a rich baby daddy…

twerk

But until that happens….I guess I’ll continue to be mediocre? Blah. So this is where you give me tips on how to be great! Ready?! GO!!!!