Relationship Advice

Guest Post – Relationships Are Garbage

(Sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to introduce Sass, our first guest poster!  We know you’re going to love her.  Now on to the post!)

Not all the time, obviously. There are the good times – dates (that lead to doing it), long conversations (that lead to dirty talk and sexting, which leads to doing it), vacations (doing it away from home), making up after arguing (which inevitably leads to doing it), cuddling (doing it), and enjoying each other’s company (which is either foreplay, doing it or afterglow, depending on the moment). But in the end, relationships are comprised of an individual attempting to share his/her space and life with another person, all while maintaining his/her sense of self, reaching personal and professional goals and attempting not to drown in the sea of baggage that every person brings with them. *cue Queen Erykah Badu “Bag Lady”* Not everyone has 10 kids, 14 baby mama’s, a police record and a latent drug habit, but adapting your life to involve another will always be work. And I’m not sure I’m here for it.

Although I have a history of miserable relationships, I never grew up around bad relationships. My parents were married after college, a year or so before the birth of my older brother, their first child. Thirty-plus years later, they still enjoy each other and are slightly obsessed with one another. They talk to each other all day, have date night and are partners through everything. However, their example doesn’t, and hasn’t, shielded me from the bevy of damaged individuals muddying the dating pool. I’ve dated liars, cheaters, verbal abusers, men with money who needed control, men with no job or ambition who needed a mother figure, whores, psychos and complete weirdos. Actually, this was all one person, but it was a long relationship and he was a mess throughout the whole thing.

So what’s the common denominator? Obviously, it’s me, but what is the seemingly insurmountable wall that prevents a successful relationship? Many factors could be considered, but in my case, I think it’s two-fold. On one hand, you have to sacrifice a lot of yourself to make your intricate puzzle fit properly with someone else. I’m a middle child: I had to fend for myself a lot growing up because my parents were too busy allowing the oldest to spread his wings, and babying the baby. It was a rough life, I promise you. Anyway, I say that to illustrate that I don’t sacrifice much of myself. Ever. The other side of this highly unfortunate relationship coin is the ability (or lack thereof) to admit defeat and throw in the towel on a relationship when it’s kind of dead, as opposed to waiting until it’s on life support in a medically induced coma hoping for a brain and a heart (like the Scarecrow and Tin Man, respectively). I can never seem to quit. I tend go for the long haul at full throttle, without realizing all four tires are flat.

A short story to back up my second point: My roommate (let’s call her BigBootyWhiteGirl), has been dating a guy (let’s call him Unsuccessful-Drug-Dealer-With-No-Car-or-Job-who-Lives-With-His-Mother, UDD for short) since June or July of last year. BigBootyWhiteGirl drives the 30-minutes to UDD’s house, takes him to get food, and brings him over. It’s always the same: the enjoy each other’s company (see explanation above) for the first 8 hours, argue, she threatens to call the cops and kicks him out of the house. UDD then stands on the sidewalk soliciting rides from people until someone comes to pick him up. BigBootyWhiteGirl opens her window and berates him, he shouts death threats at her, his ride comes and he leaves, usually leaning out the window shouting at her so that he can have the last word. She deletes his number, fuming, until her next day off approaches. She then breaks into his Facebook, finds his number, they reconcile via phone until the next time that she picks him up and the cycle continues.

Me?

I sit in my room, open a bottle of wine, pick a trashy show on Hulu or Netflix, and toast my single and drama-free life.

Yeah, relationships are garbage. I’ll pass.

“You’re single because you’re rude!”

Heyyyy bitchessss!!!!!

giphy

Y’all know those weeks where you actually have to work? Yeah that was this week. Between teaching and rehearsals I haven’t had a moment to get my life together and my apartment is the living proof of that (hot tranny MESS). Now it’s Friday and I got my victory cocktail in hand….Let’s do this blog thing!

Soooo recently I asked a friend to assess why I was single. To sum it up, I was told that I’m shady and rude to new people when I don’t like them.

ByeAshy

The specific situation went down like this: We were at a bar when these two tricks motioned for us to come over. So we went and sat down. After engaging in a short conversation, I quickly realized “nah girl, this is not for me.” So I Did what Nene Leakes would do and promptly got up and walked away leaving my friend to say “he’s just shy”. Was this right? Yes and no.

No. Because I could have at least ended the conversation politely but… Sometimes my sass gets the better hand of me…When my inner Sasha Fierce takes over, there is no hope.

Yes because….Y’all I just know what I want from a potential mate. I really do. (Trash, I think it’s time we make a list of what things our potential mate ABSOLUTELY needs to have. Like amazing teeth and no student loans or an up to date student loan account). As I approach 27 (DEAR GOD) this year, I feel that I need not settle for the first thing that comes my way. When I see something I don’t like, why am I going to waste my time with it? If someone presented you with a nasty plate of food that you KNOW you don’t like, are you going to eat it?! The answer is no! If you said yes, come over and I’m cooking you the nastiest dish I can create in my kitchen. Complete with the all the stuff that finds it way to the back of the refrigerator and freezer.

People say all the time “date someone you wouldn’t normally be attracted too.” This is cool and all and I agree to an extend; BUT if we walk into the situation and I already have doubts, I PROMISE it won’t work out. For example, I WILL not sit and pretend that I am okay talking to someone that looks and smells like they just crawled out of a sewer. While that person may be WONDERFUL, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t care for themselves. Or if you are 35 and you are just working at the window at McDonalds. Now. A job is a job and if I lost mine today, I’d have no shame in taking your order. That will not, however, diminish my ambition to be great. So I can’t POSSIBLY date someone with no ambition or plan to be the best version of themselves.

Am I demanding too much or what? Any relationship guru’s out there COMMENT and help a BROTHA OUT?! She by Sheree doesn’t keep me warm at night! (If you get the reference…Send a message 😉 ) But really is it time for me to lower my standards or keep searching? Let Class know! Tweet us y’all! Comment! Let’s find love in hopeless places together y’all!!!

tumblr_lttqmlUMNN1qafhoco1_500

When Being Single Stopped Being Cute

 1) I never worried about being in a relationship because I love myself. I love “me-time”. I love being able to do whatever I want with no one asking questions. Destiny’s Child taught me that I was independent and I believed them.

2) I grew up in a house where my parents met and fell in love in college.

So naturally I thought this was how love worked! I mean it worked out for Whitley and Dwayne on “A Different World”, right? Imagine my surprise when I left college single. However, I wasn’t pressed because Graduate School was going to be my second shot at love. Right? Wrong. First, let me say that Grad school really doesn’t give a two craps about your feelings. None. Second, it doesn’t help when old married people surround you with kids and they live REAL adult lives. Needless to say my love life flopped in Grad School.

So time to be an adult…a single adult. Personally, I never thought about what dating looked like as an adult. Do people really meet in grocery stores or at the gym? Am I going to win my future lover with my sexy dance body rolls at the club? Will I really be forced to find love online? Well let’s answer these questions.

The grocery store: I don’t know about y’all but I never walk out of the house slaying the game at the grocery store. I’m out there in my finest sweatpants, messed up hair, raggedy shoes on, and to be honest sometimes you just don’t want to shower if you’re only trying to buy some milk, gummy bears, and return to bed. So alas nobody is checking for me at the store.

 The gym? Again, I don’t go to the gym looking cute. I’m trying to keep this figure all the way right. Is it just me or is being sweaty and stinky NOT the formula for true love?

 The Club: So it’s Saturday night. You and your friends decide you’re going to go man hunting at the club. What do you do? Go to the back of the closet and pull out your freakum dress. You look in the mirror and tell yourself “Who is the baddest bitch??? Me.” After you and your friends throw back some liquid courage you find yourself at the club.  So here I am with my friends, single, ready to mingle, and drop it low to the floor. Now I don’t know what the rest of y’all are out here to do. I’ve found there are two types of people.

  1.  Type A) You guys just stand there, throw shade, and look stank. While I’m always here for a shadefest I just wonder……WHY ARE YOU AT THE CLUB? Anyway, these folks are always unbothered and uninterested. (Whatever, their loss. You’re not even all that attractive anyway.)
  2.  Type B) The thirsty people who would date a mongoose if people didn’t think that it was weird. Now listen and listen well. I’m single NOT DESPERATE……DO. NOT. TOUCH. ME. This type B thirsty trick is the one that you are not interested but they think they can be all up in your personal space. Do you not see me serving on the dance floor? Be warned: The type B person can also fool you. They appear to be normal….until they blow up your cell phone 10 minutes later talking about when will they see you next. Bitch, I don’t know. I am too busy dancing to Yonce, no longer interested in your clingy self, and doing my BEST to avoid you.

Suffice to say, the club is not for love. (New hit song?)

Online Dating: They say this is where love is beginning these. I truly have always told myself that I am too young and too cute to be online but times are hard. Let’s all be honest we have all AT LEAST temporarily signed up for an account. Well, I am no different. I made a profile. I was genuine, endearing, put up the cutest pictures, and then I hit submit. After waiting for the next page to load I began to scroll. Now, I’m not trying to insult anyone but it can be ….shocking when some of your “matches” load. I didn’t know that I should be dating people that looked like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. No shade. You know they say that dating someone wrong for you might be a good thing so I click the profiles anyway. Now the do’s and don’ts of creating an online dating profile is a topic for another day. What I WILL say is, take the bathroom selfies somewhere else ESPECIALLY if you haven’t cleaned the damn bathroom mirror. If you have no ambition in life whatsoever, can you hide that? Or find some damn ambition? Needless to say online dating is a flop, for me anyway.

So here I am twenty something and single. It seems like everyone is on their way to engagement, engaged, married, married with kids and a cute house they bought. I’m not really pressed about the kids part. Y’all can keep that! (Hey, I teach your bad behind kids all day. Don’t judge me). I would be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t pressed that I’m single. Not just single but single as single as they come.