Hey folks! I hope that you had a stellar weekend. I definitely did and I’m excited to keep it going a little bit despite my current desire to crawl in my bed.
With all of the great times and friendship, I’m reminded of some of the specific points I made in this post where I stated that I just don’t have much of a personality. Which is weird to say, but let me try and explain.
For the most part, I think I’m cute with a few pounds to lose, decently charismatic, and fun. Occasionally, I get off a great joke and in the right circumstances I’m completely capable of owning a room. I love to talk about television and music, especially the storytelling aspect for television and very specific takeaways from the songs that I’ve heard. I have a need to relate to people even in cases where my experience is not-related but I’ve convinced myself that this is the way to a human connection. I crave validation and shine when I hear compliments from someone objective. And lastly, I do try to humble by downplaying any perceived success on my part while showing that I’m completely capable of holding my own.
Despite that entire paragraph, I’m not sure how it all fits together. Based on my experience last night, I feel like I came across fun and exciting only to settle into a conversation and instantly feel like I wasn’t equipped to set up the end game. Even with the obvious easy marks, I felt like I was fighting to find flirty things to say. I defaulted to weak ass small talk because I truly don’t know what to say. At least not in a way that would generate real results outside of a phone number exchange.
That 0 or 100% quark is back. I’m either sounding like a candidate for a job who is trying to impress people or a slutbucket. And since I don’t want to be perceived as super thirsty (despite evidence to the contrary) or super easy, I tend to ask the same dumb questions because that’s what I practiced in the shower before I got to the cluh.
My trashy Abilene mantra of “You is hot, You is sexy, Guys wanna hit” may get me through the night but it’s not sticking. Faking it until I make it keeps leading me back to the blog to write this sort of self-involved drivel. My actual self-image isn’t improving despite me knowing objectively that there are positive things about me.
Like a small example. I know that my friends had a good time Saturday, but we didn’t do anything. We just sat around and they joked about it. I can take the joke, but since I really hate feeling like I’ve disappointed people, I spent a lot of the night upset that I didn’t create a more fun experience for them. If people act on my recommendation, I feel personally responsible for their good time. It’s my job to make sure that they are as happy as they could have been given the situation. That may be coming down too hard on myself (and it really is), but I want everyone to want to visit me and to hang out. I want people to like my ideas and the thought of doing this again. Now take this kind of pressure and apply it to situations that lack the same certainty as best friends.
I’m scared to approach guys because I don’t want to rejected. I don’t want to run up on someone only to feel fat and ugly because I’m not their type. I’m a little too awkward to use the staredown/eye contact trick to get them to come to me. And even if a guy does say something, I’m ill-equipped to keep his interest. I may be over-thinking it and projecting, but this is the real Trash. I struggle to get out of my own way.
My friend happened to be out last night and yelled at me for doubting myself. He quickly pointed out that I was the only one that a certain someone approached. I honestly just felt a friendly vibe but that could have been curving myself.
What is clear is that I still have to adjust my attitude and what I’m doing. If you don’t like the results, you can’t keep using the same tools. I now have to equip myself somehow and in a truly, genuine way. I don’t have any interests that generally click with people. I simply don’t have a lot of normal likes and dislikes. But I’m going to have to present these in a way that makes people want to engage in said activities with me. I have to stop treating interactions like interviews. I have to relax and know that what I’ve got and who I am are going to be enough for the right person.
In other news, Atlanta you have been so sexy this weekend. Like the city always has some cuties, but I feel like the city has been crawling with potential boo things.
But as far as the meat of this post, I don’t have a real plan yet but I hope that this makes even a little sense. What’s going on in your world, kind readers? Hopefully you’re feeling like a million dollars. Why don’t you leave us a nice comment?