real life

Depression Is A Beast

Hey People,

Here’s hoping you had a great weekend and that this week is progressing the way you want.

As for me…not so much. I’m feeling completely burned out emotionally. I can’t pinpoint any one issue, but it’s like all I can do is sleep and spend time trying to fall asleep. I’ve been in this place before but not since the move back down South.

I have to find a way to change this because I’m not happy in this place. And the knowledge that there is another way to live life only makes this particular hardship worse.

So just send up a quick prayer this week and I’ll do the same.

Aloha Class & Trash Readers!

I know it’s been a little while.  We miss you!  How was your week?

This is going to be quick but I thought that I would give you a rundown of the past week and some thoughts.

1) On The Run Tour

Flawless.  No pun intended.  The show was immaculately put together.  It reminded me of how big a Jay-Z fan I am.  And it is always a delight to see Beyonce do what she does best.

Also, Beyonce covered Ex-Factor.  Which…

mind

2) So You Think You Can Dance

This season is the pits.  I’m not going to mince words here.  I was nervous when I saw the cast announced and it felt even more bland that usual.  And the performance show happened.

233a6-cat-snow

These kids are talented dancers, don’t get me wrong.  But there isn’t enough diversity of styles.  There’s an immaturity to their movement.  They all even look alike.  It feels like they can all only handle contemporary and the choreography is catering to this at the expense of the show.   I’m trying my best to stick it out as this has been my summer show for years.  But really, I’m not sure how much more I can handle it.

How are you feeling about the season?

3) Lonely

Still boo-hunting?  Yep.  But as per usual, the time after hanging out with some of my best friends is one of complete devastation for me.  I don’t know if anyone feels this way.  But my life is so much better when they are around.  I feel more confident.  I feel more fulfilled.  I feel like there’s hope for me.

That’s a lot to put on a group of people.  But in a way, they are where I get a lot of my energy.

4) Hope For The Future

I’m not one to give out great inspirational advice.  My life isn’t one to model yours after.  However, I do want to tell everyone not to give up.  (including me)

Things get hard.  Life can be unforgiving.  Disappointment is real.  But we can’t stop. Giving up isn’t an option.  Letting today’s problem take us out isn’t going to fix anything.

We’ll get there.

Alright, that’s all I have.  Leave your thoughts below good friends!

 

Faux Confidence, Sealing the Deal & My Self Image

Hey folks! I hope that you had a stellar weekend.  I definitely did and I’m excited to keep it going a little bit despite my current desire to crawl in my bed.

With all of the great times and friendship, I’m reminded of some of the specific points I made in this post where I stated that I just don’t have much of a personality.  Which is weird to say, but let me try and explain.

For the most part, I think I’m cute with a few pounds to lose, decently charismatic, and fun.  Occasionally, I get off a great joke and in the right circumstances I’m completely capable of owning a room.  I love to talk about television and music, especially the storytelling aspect for television and very specific takeaways from the songs that I’ve heard.  I have a need to relate to people even in cases where my experience is not-related but I’ve convinced myself that this is the way to a human connection.  I crave validation and shine when I hear compliments from someone objective.  And lastly, I do try to humble by downplaying any perceived success on my part while showing that I’m completely capable of holding my own.

Despite that entire paragraph, I’m not sure how it all fits together.  Based on my experience last night, I feel like I came across fun and exciting only to settle into a conversation and instantly feel like I wasn’t equipped to set up the end game.  Even with the obvious easy marks, I felt like I was fighting to find flirty things to say.  I defaulted to weak ass small talk because I truly don’t know what to say.  At least not in a way that would generate real results outside of a phone number exchange.

That 0 or 100% quark is back.  I’m either sounding like a candidate for a job who is trying to impress people or a slutbucket.  And since I don’t want to be perceived as super thirsty (despite evidence to the contrary) or super easy, I tend to ask the same dumb questions because that’s what I practiced in the shower before I got to the cluh.

My trashy Abilene mantra of “You is hot, You is sexy, Guys wanna hit” may get me through the night but it’s not sticking.  Faking it until I make it keeps leading me back to the blog to write this sort of self-involved drivel.  My actual self-image isn’t improving despite me knowing objectively that there are positive things about me.

Like a small example.  I know that my friends had a good time Saturday, but we didn’t do anything.  We just sat around and they joked about it.  I can take the joke, but since I really hate feeling like I’ve disappointed people, I spent a lot of the night upset that I didn’t create a more fun experience for them.  If people act on my recommendation, I feel personally responsible for their good time.  It’s my job to make sure that they are as happy as they could have been given the situation.  That may be coming down too hard on myself (and it really is), but I want everyone to want to visit me and to hang out.  I want people to like my ideas and the thought of doing this again.  Now take this kind of pressure and apply it to situations that lack the same certainty as best friends.

I’m scared to approach guys because I don’t want to rejected.  I don’t want to run up on someone only to feel fat and ugly because I’m not their type.  I’m a little too awkward to use the staredown/eye contact trick to get them to come to me.  And even if a guy does say something, I’m ill-equipped to keep his interest.  I may be over-thinking it and projecting, but this is the real Trash.  I struggle to get out of my own way.

My friend happened to be out last night and yelled at me for doubting myself.  He quickly pointed out that I was the only one that a certain someone approached.  I honestly just felt a friendly vibe but that could have been curving myself.

What is clear is that I still have to adjust my attitude and what I’m doing.  If you don’t like the results, you can’t keep using the same tools.  I now have to equip myself somehow and in a truly, genuine way.  I don’t have any interests that generally click with people. I simply don’t have a lot of normal likes and dislikes.  But I’m going to have to present these in a way that makes people want to engage in said activities with me.  I have to stop treating interactions like interviews.  I have to relax and know that what I’ve got and who I am are going to be enough for the right person.

In other news, Atlanta you have been so sexy this weekend.  Like the city always has some cuties, but I feel like the city has been crawling with potential boo things.

But as far as the meat of this post, I don’t have a real plan yet but I hope that this makes even a little sense.  What’s going on in your world, kind readers?  Hopefully you’re feeling like a million dollars.  Why don’t you leave us a nice comment?

Taking Stock

Happy Friday All!

Let’s start with a song.

The lyric “Looking out beyond the stars, searching always wishing” has always stood out since I first listened to the Born To Do It album. As a point of reference, this Craig David album came out my freshman year of high school right after a huge reset in my life.  In two years, my sister had moved in, had my nephew, we had moved twice, my mother had passed, and I was now in a new school, new house, trying to take stock of what had just happened.  Sitting up last night hacking away with this nagging cough was like déjà vu to a night during my fall break that year.  I remember the feeling that I was no longer in control of my life.  Everything that I had known was gone.  My life and my world was no longer my own.  I was merely a bit player at this point.  I was the nephew.  The brother.  The friend.  The uncle.  But never just me.  

Last night, I realized (again) that I don’t have an identity.  I have a personality.  I have a body and face.  But there’s no me there.  If you strip away what I do (or attempt to do) for other people and jokes/quotes I’ve gotten from other people, there’s not much to me.  I don’t have passion.  I don’t have enthusiasm.  I don’t have courage.  I play my cards too close because I’m too afraid of failing or losing whatever meager ground I’ve gained.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that I rarely call or text people first.  In my head, I feel like I’m bothering them.  If they don’t respond, I expect it because who actually cares about what I have to say.  Who has the time to listen to me whine about my problems, which are usually self-induced.

But that line, “Searching always wishing”…  I want to be my own person.  I want to have interesting things to say.  I want people to like being around me.  I want people to want to be around me.  And not only when it’s convenient for them.  But more than that, I want to feel.  I’ve had this guard up for so so so long.  And while it’s chipped and weathered, it is still there.  Keeping out some of hurt and negativity, but also whatever joy or happiness there is in this world.  I’ve long associated that happiness with romantic love since I don’t always feel like I can get it in a familial way.  But I know that I need it from family, friends, and myself before I’m ever going to be able to feel fulfilled.

But there is no one step fix for that.  And for a while, I felt like I was making progress. I was pushing myself.  I was being social.  I put on my clothes.  I drank my drank.  I issued compliments.  But last night, I just found myself unhappy with where I was and what I had.  Maybe it’s that I need to find a middle ground between my old personality and this new personality.  Or there’s a lesson that I’m missing.

Leave me some advice.  A bitch is tired of searching and feeling like this.

 

Transformations

Morning party people!  I’m feeling renewed after a long and interesting weekend.  But I’m figured it was time to really get back into this thing.  So let’s talk.

Now you all know that I’ve been working on me in terms of finding my inner skinny, becoming more mental healthy, and looking for a boo thing.  And to be honest, I’ve been relatively successful in my short time in Atlanta.  Next week will mark three months since I’ve moved and I’m down 10 more pounds, I managed to snag a date, and I’m not up at night worrying about tomorrow.  This isn’t meant to brag or boast, as I haven’t quite adjusted to all of these changes.

Today, I actually woke up on my first alarm, got out of bed, and went to the gym.  Me!

Shockandawe

You know how I feel about working out.  I still hate working out, but I know that it’s a necessary evil if I want to lose weight.  That combined more conscious versions of my favorite dishes have really helped. I’ve even found a brand of Greek Yogurt that doesn’t make me want to hurl.

While that doubt creeps in occasionally yelling “You’re fat, ho!” I know that I’m doing the best I can and not to beat myself up if I decide to grab a taco or burger.

I had a draft post discussing the challenge that friend of the blog, Asian Sensation, came up with last month.  Essentially, the goal was to have someone to flirt with by June 15th, otherwise you would have to go on a date with the first person online who messages you.  My matches are and have always been trash (and not in the good way), so it was imperative that this did not happen.

This has led to me going out SOOOOO MUCH.  By myself even.  And I hate doing that almost as much as I hate working out.  But you know, the efforts have paid off.  I’ve met some really nice people who I could see becoming great friends and even perhaps more.  There’s always a messy element when you’re coming into established groups of friends, but I’m navigating it as best I can.

And lastly, let’s get a bit more serious.  Six months ago, I didn’t even like waking up in the morning.  I hate my job, my face, my body, all of that.  I was at a breaking point.  While I can’t say that I’m fully recovered from that depression, I’m really working to make sure that I see the value in my life and making sure that I try my raise my self-confidence.  I’m still going to meet with a counselor soon, but my hope is that the focus will be on my internal distress and not the environmental factors that drove me batty before.

So that’s the skinny on my life.  I’m on Episode 5 of OINTB and I’ll have my notes once I finish the season.  But needless to say, it’s amazing so far.

Let’s chat.  Have you been working to improve your life this year?  How are you progressing?  What’s your motivation?  Let me know!

When Your Pep Talk Stops Working

Hey folks.  It’s finally Friday which can only me fun fun fun fun.

fun

As you all can tell, this hasn’t exactly been my week.  It all seemed to culminate last night when I went out despite not really feeling myself.  Now for all of you fabulous readers, I’ve always struggled with genuine confidence, applying the fake it until I make it brand of confidence in hopes that it will turn into the real thing.

Fantasy vs. Reality

Morning minions!

minions1

So I’ve always be the type of person who escapes into my own head to deal with ignore my problems.  Instead of dealing with the here and now, I tend to be a bit proponent of escaping into a fantasy world where everything happens according to my will versus the real thing.

However, as I continue to transition into my new life in Georgia, I find that I have less to escape.  My usual coping techniques aren’t working as well because the stresses of real life have been reduced.  I spent most of my time up north mustering up every bit of strength I had to get through the day.  So my time at home was spent running away from the very real issues that I was facing there.

Here, my job doesn’t tax nearly as much and I find that I actually don’t mind the people I work with.  I don’t feel like the world is going to end every time I wake up.  It’s a better feeling, but a new one for sure.

My hope is that I’ll be able to infuse my reality with some of the more exciting elements of my fantasies.  Being able to travel and go on vacation without worry.  Living my best life and what not!

In other random news, I’ve decided that I’m going to re-watch Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Rock of Love and share my ten favorite lines from each episode.  I have to find right day of the week to post this but hopefully you will love it just as much as I do!

If not?

hottieunbothered

Have a great one!

Ten Years Ago Today…

So I’m currently a little distraught.  It was this day ten years ago that I graduated from high school.

weeds

So obviously, I’m feeling a little dated.  Slightly weathered.  And mostly old.

Luckily, I don’t look old (hands up emoji) and I do think that I’m in a better place emotionally than I was back in 2004.  I thought it would be fun to think back on each year on a positive memory from each of the last ten years.  Think of it as my version of 100 happy days but done in one day.

2004 – High School Graduation

So I think back to that day and remember it not feeling real.  I don’t have many particularly bad memories of high school.  I had some great friends, I had a lot of fun experiences, and I felt relatively successful.  This day gave me a chance to reflect on the friends I made, the fun moments I had, and thoughts of all of sacrifice that it took from my family to get me to that point.

2005 – Trip to Poland

You know I was mad from the time they announced this trip until we landed back in North Carolina.  I had no desire to hit the Eastern Bloc in January.  NONE! But on the real, it was an experience that changed my life and worldview.  I don’t want to make it seem like a vacation, Auschwitz is not a happy place or a fun place.  But it was a trip that made me really take an interest in history and how it actually affected real people.  It took the Holocaust from a lesson to real life.  I don’t think I would have taken such an interest in international business without this trip.

2006 – Study Abroad

The fall semester of my junior year was insane.  I can’t believe I took a trip to Europe alone.  I look back at the pictures and it still blows my mind that it happened.  This was the trip that taught me to see the beauty in struggling.  Now, I’m over struggling.  But I do see that there are lessons to be learned and fun to be had in the process of self-improvement and growing up.  Plus meeting all of those people was just a wonderful experience.

2007 – On The Road Again

In terms of happiness, 2007 wasn’t particularly distinctive. However, I do remember having my car on campus and having the gas to travel as I please. This meant trips to Greenville and Charlotte to visit my best friends and create new drunken silly memories.

Just remember college broke is way better than adult broke. So much better.

2008 – Internship

I got to my senior year and realized that my resume was looking hella thin.  So I set a goal that I would find a job in my field.  I set that goal and found an internship at an ad agency in the area.  It was such a great experience and really taught me some valuable lessons, especially in the area of self-protection and goal-setting.  With that said, the last week or so was terrible but you know it needed to happen.  I needed to learn that lesson at that time so that I wouldn’t make that same mistake again.

2009 – The Value of Quitting

So after college, I got an AWFUL job working in customer service.  Twas not the answer.  So I started looking at graduate schools in order to get out this miserable job.  I was lucky to get into graduate school (more on this later) but the best feeling was walking out of that job like BYE ASHY! BYE UGLY! See you never! 

But really the lesson was that you don’t have to stay in something that makes you unhappy.  You can’t run away from your problems but you can change your direction.  This was a change for me as I’d spent most of my life letting other people guide me.  I took control, took my GMAT, and got the fudge out of that job.

2010 – A Winter Up North

Now I hated grad school. With every fiber of my being. But the good thing about it was getting an internship in Boston for the company that I left earlier this. Now as someone who struggled with the coursework, I was super nervous about whether I could handle the job itself.

Not only did I do really well in my internship, I got great feedback that boosted my confidence. That confidence drove me to attack my class work and raise my GPA. The work was blah and the hours were long but the confidence from that job was a reminder that I am smart and a great employee. When I want to be.

2011 – The Big Move

I finally graduated and moved to Boston! Whoot! But really the hot here was accomplishing another that I had set for myself.

I had always said that I was getting out of North Carolina only to complete two degrees there. Getting this job and making this move, despite all of the difficulties was a great, freeing feeling.

It was a lifelong dream come true despite the hardships that would come up.

2012 – DC Adventures

After a year at my former company, I received a phone call with an “opportunity.” Anyone who has worked in public accounting knows that schedule is about to fucked when that word happens.

But as it turns out, I was asked to attend a conference in DC for high performing African-American employees. I got there and it was a great experience. Seeing motivated and hard working people of color in my field was a blessing. To be counted among them was another reminder that I can be great when I want and that hard work will be rewarded sometimes.

2013 – Coming Home

Last year was mostly trash. Let’s be clear. But the one defining moment for me was my 5-year celebration of my college graduation. So many people came back, so many drinks consumed, and so much fun was had.

The highlight was a Mexican dinner with some of my favorite people eating, laughing, and just enjoying each other’s company. No drama. Just jokes and fun.

Hope that this made you smile. What are some of your happiest moments over the past ten years.

Who Am I?

Hi Again.  It’s just me.

So in the past few weeks, I’ve been doing my best to take a deep look at who I am and what makes me tick? But because I’m not so great at talking to myself about myself, I’ve enlisted the aid of quite a few personality tests via the interwebs.  I think my favorite that I’ve taken is this one:

http://www.personaldna.com/tests.php

I thought it would be fun to share a bit of my results and see how accurate it is.

You are an advocating artist.

  • Your appreciation of beauty, ability to think abstractly, and innovativeness make you an ARTIST.
  • Never one to be tied to a particular way of doing things, you let your imagination guide you in discovering different possibilities.
  • You would rather seek out new experiences than stick to your everyday habits, taking in as much of the world as possible.
  • Your eye for beauty and your willingness to consider different perspectives make your creative efforts interesting—even though you may not realize this yourself.
  • You prefer to think about things before voicing your opinion, considering a wide, diverse range of options.
  • While there are forms and styles that you prefer, you tend to keep an open mind when it comes to your artistic preferences.
  • You are curious about things, interested in the “why” more than the “how.”
  • You have an active imagination that leads you express yourself in a distinct way.
  • You’re not one to force your positions on a group, and you tend to be fair in evaluating different options.
  • You tend to do things on the spur of the moment, not sticking to a set schedule.
  • You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation – friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
  • You believe that things happen for a reason, and that many things are not under our control

In a way, I believe that this is the gist of who I am.  I didn’t realize it would be called an “artist” (my lack of talent in those areas probably hold me back).

That said, I do think that I have a definite style (however bland it may be) and I definitely do think that most things happen for a reason.  I try my best to be fair and objective, which usually comes from my desire to keep the peace.

I also have no concept of a schedule unless I really have someone to impress.

The quiz suggests the following:

  • Be more open to risks in your creative efforts, and don’t be quick to dismiss the praise of others.
  • Think about how attention to detail may help you be more sure of yourself.

Absolutely correct.  I am so bad at accepting compliments.  I do believe that my life would be improved by slowing down and truly considering my decisions before running into them.

You are advocating.

  • Being social, empathic, and understanding makes you ADVOCATING.
  • Some people find being around others exhausting—but not you! You are energized by spending time with friends, and you are good at meeting new people.
  • One of the reasons you enjoy conversation as much as you do is that you often learn about yourself while talking things out with a friend; you realize things about your own beliefs while discussing them with others.
  • You have insight into what others are thinking and feeling. This ability allows you to be happy for others, and to commiserate when something has gone wrong for them.
  • You are highly compassionate, and being conscious of how things affect those close to you leaves you cautious about trusting others too hastily.
  • Despite these reservations, you are open-minded when it comes to your worldview; you don’t look to impose your ways on others.
  • Your sensitivity towards others’ plights contributes to an understanding—both intellectual and emotional—of many different perspectives.
  • As someone who understands the complexities of the world around you, you are reluctant to pass judgments.

I do think that this is true, despite that my friends would not call me nice or compassionate.  I do have a sharp tongue and struggle to mince words when something bothers me.  That said, I do take people’s feelings seriously and I want what’s best for them.  I want to listen to what they are going through and be of any assistance that I can be.  I do try to step outside my personal bias as well because I think that is what a real friend would do.

That said, I love being social but I do value my alone time.  Believe that!

Advice here is:

  • While it’s important to think about others, don’t forget to take some time for yourself, and occassionally to put yourself first.
  • Take some time to spend with a few close friends; although it’s difficult to find people to trust, it’s worth the effort.
  • When you have great ideas, it can be hard to relinquish control, but it can also feel good to take the pressure off and enjoy someone else leading the way.

I do need to make sure that I put myself first in certain situations.  I tend to bend over backwards for people who may not have earned it or even deserve it.  I’m working on that now.

I haven’t had a great idea in a while so we’ll see how that works out.

And this is my personal map and a list of personality traits:

Confidence

LowHigh
4
Openness

LowHigh
62
Extroversion

LowHigh
62
Empathy

LowHigh
74
Trust in others

LowHigh
34
Agency

LowHigh
0
Masculinity

LowHigh
24
Femininity

LowHigh
24
Spontaneity

LowHigh
78
Attention to style

LowHigh
96
Authoritarianism

LowHigh
30
Earthy/Imaginative

ImaginativeEarthy
34
Aesthetic/Functional

FunctionalAesthetic
72

Not too shabby.  My confidence is definitely not great although I do my best to fake the funk until I start to believe it.  I definitely feel a little superficial looking at this, which isn’t too far off.

What do you all think?  Granted, my posts are rarely personal but do you get this from the things I write?  I’m going to take this and try to work on myself.  Take the quiz and feel free to share your results!

Don’t forget to follow us over on the Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow!

Forgiveness

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey Night Owls!

nightowls

If you can pull yourself away from the seductive gaze of that owl, let’s talk about forgiveness.  Specifically forgiving ourselves.

So in 2014, I committed to self-improvement.  This includes a gym membership, counseling sessions, this blog, and a job hunt.  I’ve managed to make progress in all aspects but, pardon the cliche, sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees.

In the day to day, you meet with tough days (What mean you I don’t get paid until April?), unforeseen circumstances (Oh my car was towed you say?), and gross adult choices. (I guess I don’t need those cookies!)

And you know what, we make mistakes.  We choose cocktail time over networking.  We choose Netflix over the gym.  We choose a nap over checking up on our friends.  These are all menial examples, but the point is that no one is perfect.  We don’t always do the “right” thing.  We don’t always make the “best choices”

Here is an example from my own life.  My father and I don’t have the greatest relationship (being very kind here).  When my parents were together, I always thought he was pretty cool.  He let me stay up late and brought pizza home.  After the divorce, the arrest, the death, and the estrangement, he showed up back in my life after I had built up a strong level of hatred that I was comfortable with.  But I sought some advice and thought, “You know Trash, he may be worthless and unemployed, but maybe you should at least talk to your other parent.”

Worst.  Idea. Ever.

It’s been about 9 years and I’m still trying to find the words to say “I don’t actually want to talk you.”  I’ve become indifferent towards him and there’s little that could change that, but I still have some inner demon urging me to give me another shot.  I try to, it flops, and then I’m like “WHAT THE HELL, TRASH? TELL HIM TO FUCK OFF AND LET’S GO HAVE A COCKTAIL!” 

But that inner demon really is a bitch.  What kind of child doesn’t like his father?  I mean, am I immature for not being able to see past his mistakes?  Am I petty because he sucks and I’m not trying to claim that?  Yes and yes.  But you know what, that’s the way the Do-Si-Do cookie crumbles.

Stop beating yourself up over how you feel!  Don’t punish yourself for deciding to enjoy a bag of Gummy Bears.  Don’t keep yourself up at night because did that thing that we promised to take to our graves.

I think that in the age of tiger moms, crazy high expectations in our careers, desire to look and feel as good as we can, and commitments to family and friends, we tend to have the expectation that we should never make mistakes.  That being perfect is the only acceptable answer.  And I’m here to tell you that perfection won’t help you in your current situation.  Perfection won’t keep you warm at night.  Perfection won’t keep the cops from pulling you over.  Perfection won’t get you into heaven.

Stop letting your own expectations of grandeur prevent you from living a life that will be worth remembering.  Take the time to reflect on your life and don’t dwell on the choices and decisions that didn’t lead to the “perfect” solution.  Very few lives turn out exactly as they were dreamed by 10 year-old you.

And really just unbutton your pants occasionally and breathe.  Every day is not going to be great.  Every choice isn’t going to be correct.

OH GAHT DAMN WELL.

Let’s talk about it in the comments below.  And yes, you can have some fries.