real life

Depression Is A Beast

Hey People,

Here’s hoping you had a great weekend and that this week is progressing the way you want.

As for me…not so much. I’m feeling completely burned out emotionally. I can’t pinpoint any one issue, but it’s like all I can do is sleep and spend time trying to fall asleep. I’ve been in this place before but not since the move back down South.

I have to find a way to change this because I’m not happy in this place. And the knowledge that there is another way to live life only makes this particular hardship worse.

So just send up a quick prayer this week and I’ll do the same.

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Aloha Class & Trash Readers!

I know it’s been a little while.  We miss you!  How was your week?

This is going to be quick but I thought that I would give you a rundown of the past week and some thoughts.

1) On The Run Tour

Flawless.  No pun intended.  The show was immaculately put together.  It reminded me of how big a Jay-Z fan I am.  And it is always a delight to see Beyonce do what she does best.

Also, Beyonce covered Ex-Factor.  Which…

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2) So You Think You Can Dance

This season is the pits.  I’m not going to mince words here.  I was nervous when I saw the cast announced and it felt even more bland that usual.  And the performance show happened.

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These kids are talented dancers, don’t get me wrong.  But there isn’t enough diversity of styles.  There’s an immaturity to their movement.  They all even look alike.  It feels like they can all only handle contemporary and the choreography is catering to this at the expense of the show.   I’m trying my best to stick it out as this has been my summer show for years.  But really, I’m not sure how much more I can handle it.

How are you feeling about the season?

3) Lonely

Still boo-hunting?  Yep.  But as per usual, the time after hanging out with some of my best friends is one of complete devastation for me.  I don’t know if anyone feels this way.  But my life is so much better when they are around.  I feel more confident.  I feel more fulfilled.  I feel like there’s hope for me.

That’s a lot to put on a group of people.  But in a way, they are where I get a lot of my energy.

4) Hope For The Future

I’m not one to give out great inspirational advice.  My life isn’t one to model yours after.  However, I do want to tell everyone not to give up.  (including me)

Things get hard.  Life can be unforgiving.  Disappointment is real.  But we can’t stop. Giving up isn’t an option.  Letting today’s problem take us out isn’t going to fix anything.

We’ll get there.

Alright, that’s all I have.  Leave your thoughts below good friends!

 

Faux Confidence, Sealing the Deal & My Self Image

Hey folks! I hope that you had a stellar weekend.  I definitely did and I’m excited to keep it going a little bit despite my current desire to crawl in my bed.

With all of the great times and friendship, I’m reminded of some of the specific points I made in this post where I stated that I just don’t have much of a personality.  Which is weird to say, but let me try and explain.

For the most part, I think I’m cute with a few pounds to lose, decently charismatic, and fun.  Occasionally, I get off a great joke and in the right circumstances I’m completely capable of owning a room.  I love to talk about television and music, especially the storytelling aspect for television and very specific takeaways from the songs that I’ve heard.  I have a need to relate to people even in cases where my experience is not-related but I’ve convinced myself that this is the way to a human connection.  I crave validation and shine when I hear compliments from someone objective.  And lastly, I do try to humble by downplaying any perceived success on my part while showing that I’m completely capable of holding my own.

Despite that entire paragraph, I’m not sure how it all fits together.  Based on my experience last night, I feel like I came across fun and exciting only to settle into a conversation and instantly feel like I wasn’t equipped to set up the end game.  Even with the obvious easy marks, I felt like I was fighting to find flirty things to say.  I defaulted to weak ass small talk because I truly don’t know what to say.  At least not in a way that would generate real results outside of a phone number exchange.

That 0 or 100% quark is back.  I’m either sounding like a candidate for a job who is trying to impress people or a slutbucket.  And since I don’t want to be perceived as super thirsty (despite evidence to the contrary) or super easy, I tend to ask the same dumb questions because that’s what I practiced in the shower before I got to the cluh.

My trashy Abilene mantra of “You is hot, You is sexy, Guys wanna hit” may get me through the night but it’s not sticking.  Faking it until I make it keeps leading me back to the blog to write this sort of self-involved drivel.  My actual self-image isn’t improving despite me knowing objectively that there are positive things about me.

Like a small example.  I know that my friends had a good time Saturday, but we didn’t do anything.  We just sat around and they joked about it.  I can take the joke, but since I really hate feeling like I’ve disappointed people, I spent a lot of the night upset that I didn’t create a more fun experience for them.  If people act on my recommendation, I feel personally responsible for their good time.  It’s my job to make sure that they are as happy as they could have been given the situation.  That may be coming down too hard on myself (and it really is), but I want everyone to want to visit me and to hang out.  I want people to like my ideas and the thought of doing this again.  Now take this kind of pressure and apply it to situations that lack the same certainty as best friends.

I’m scared to approach guys because I don’t want to rejected.  I don’t want to run up on someone only to feel fat and ugly because I’m not their type.  I’m a little too awkward to use the staredown/eye contact trick to get them to come to me.  And even if a guy does say something, I’m ill-equipped to keep his interest.  I may be over-thinking it and projecting, but this is the real Trash.  I struggle to get out of my own way.

My friend happened to be out last night and yelled at me for doubting myself.  He quickly pointed out that I was the only one that a certain someone approached.  I honestly just felt a friendly vibe but that could have been curving myself.

What is clear is that I still have to adjust my attitude and what I’m doing.  If you don’t like the results, you can’t keep using the same tools.  I now have to equip myself somehow and in a truly, genuine way.  I don’t have any interests that generally click with people. I simply don’t have a lot of normal likes and dislikes.  But I’m going to have to present these in a way that makes people want to engage in said activities with me.  I have to stop treating interactions like interviews.  I have to relax and know that what I’ve got and who I am are going to be enough for the right person.

In other news, Atlanta you have been so sexy this weekend.  Like the city always has some cuties, but I feel like the city has been crawling with potential boo things.

But as far as the meat of this post, I don’t have a real plan yet but I hope that this makes even a little sense.  What’s going on in your world, kind readers?  Hopefully you’re feeling like a million dollars.  Why don’t you leave us a nice comment?

Taking Stock

Happy Friday All!

Let’s start with a song.

The lyric “Looking out beyond the stars, searching always wishing” has always stood out since I first listened to the Born To Do It album. As a point of reference, this Craig David album came out my freshman year of high school right after a huge reset in my life.  In two years, my sister had moved in, had my nephew, we had moved twice, my mother had passed, and I was now in a new school, new house, trying to take stock of what had just happened.  Sitting up last night hacking away with this nagging cough was like déjà vu to a night during my fall break that year.  I remember the feeling that I was no longer in control of my life.  Everything that I had known was gone.  My life and my world was no longer my own.  I was merely a bit player at this point.  I was the nephew.  The brother.  The friend.  The uncle.  But never just me.  

Last night, I realized (again) that I don’t have an identity.  I have a personality.  I have a body and face.  But there’s no me there.  If you strip away what I do (or attempt to do) for other people and jokes/quotes I’ve gotten from other people, there’s not much to me.  I don’t have passion.  I don’t have enthusiasm.  I don’t have courage.  I play my cards too close because I’m too afraid of failing or losing whatever meager ground I’ve gained.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that I rarely call or text people first.  In my head, I feel like I’m bothering them.  If they don’t respond, I expect it because who actually cares about what I have to say.  Who has the time to listen to me whine about my problems, which are usually self-induced.

But that line, “Searching always wishing”…  I want to be my own person.  I want to have interesting things to say.  I want people to like being around me.  I want people to want to be around me.  And not only when it’s convenient for them.  But more than that, I want to feel.  I’ve had this guard up for so so so long.  And while it’s chipped and weathered, it is still there.  Keeping out some of hurt and negativity, but also whatever joy or happiness there is in this world.  I’ve long associated that happiness with romantic love since I don’t always feel like I can get it in a familial way.  But I know that I need it from family, friends, and myself before I’m ever going to be able to feel fulfilled.

But there is no one step fix for that.  And for a while, I felt like I was making progress. I was pushing myself.  I was being social.  I put on my clothes.  I drank my drank.  I issued compliments.  But last night, I just found myself unhappy with where I was and what I had.  Maybe it’s that I need to find a middle ground between my old personality and this new personality.  Or there’s a lesson that I’m missing.

Leave me some advice.  A bitch is tired of searching and feeling like this.

 

Transformations

Morning party people!  I’m feeling renewed after a long and interesting weekend.  But I’m figured it was time to really get back into this thing.  So let’s talk.

Now you all know that I’ve been working on me in terms of finding my inner skinny, becoming more mental healthy, and looking for a boo thing.  And to be honest, I’ve been relatively successful in my short time in Atlanta.  Next week will mark three months since I’ve moved and I’m down 10 more pounds, I managed to snag a date, and I’m not up at night worrying about tomorrow.  This isn’t meant to brag or boast, as I haven’t quite adjusted to all of these changes.

Today, I actually woke up on my first alarm, got out of bed, and went to the gym.  Me!

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You know how I feel about working out.  I still hate working out, but I know that it’s a necessary evil if I want to lose weight.  That combined more conscious versions of my favorite dishes have really helped. I’ve even found a brand of Greek Yogurt that doesn’t make me want to hurl.

While that doubt creeps in occasionally yelling “You’re fat, ho!” I know that I’m doing the best I can and not to beat myself up if I decide to grab a taco or burger.

I had a draft post discussing the challenge that friend of the blog, Asian Sensation, came up with last month.  Essentially, the goal was to have someone to flirt with by June 15th, otherwise you would have to go on a date with the first person online who messages you.  My matches are and have always been trash (and not in the good way), so it was imperative that this did not happen.

This has led to me going out SOOOOO MUCH.  By myself even.  And I hate doing that almost as much as I hate working out.  But you know, the efforts have paid off.  I’ve met some really nice people who I could see becoming great friends and even perhaps more.  There’s always a messy element when you’re coming into established groups of friends, but I’m navigating it as best I can.

And lastly, let’s get a bit more serious.  Six months ago, I didn’t even like waking up in the morning.  I hate my job, my face, my body, all of that.  I was at a breaking point.  While I can’t say that I’m fully recovered from that depression, I’m really working to make sure that I see the value in my life and making sure that I try my raise my self-confidence.  I’m still going to meet with a counselor soon, but my hope is that the focus will be on my internal distress and not the environmental factors that drove me batty before.

So that’s the skinny on my life.  I’m on Episode 5 of OINTB and I’ll have my notes once I finish the season.  But needless to say, it’s amazing so far.

Let’s chat.  Have you been working to improve your life this year?  How are you progressing?  What’s your motivation?  Let me know!

When Your Pep Talk Stops Working

Hey folks.  It’s finally Friday which can only me fun fun fun fun.

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As you all can tell, this hasn’t exactly been my week.  It all seemed to culminate last night when I went out despite not really feeling myself.  Now for all of you fabulous readers, I’ve always struggled with genuine confidence, applying the fake it until I make it brand of confidence in hopes that it will turn into the real thing.

Fantasy vs. Reality

Morning minions!

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So I’ve always be the type of person who escapes into my own head to deal with ignore my problems.  Instead of dealing with the here and now, I tend to be a bit proponent of escaping into a fantasy world where everything happens according to my will versus the real thing.

However, as I continue to transition into my new life in Georgia, I find that I have less to escape.  My usual coping techniques aren’t working as well because the stresses of real life have been reduced.  I spent most of my time up north mustering up every bit of strength I had to get through the day.  So my time at home was spent running away from the very real issues that I was facing there.

Here, my job doesn’t tax nearly as much and I find that I actually don’t mind the people I work with.  I don’t feel like the world is going to end every time I wake up.  It’s a better feeling, but a new one for sure.

My hope is that I’ll be able to infuse my reality with some of the more exciting elements of my fantasies.  Being able to travel and go on vacation without worry.  Living my best life and what not!

In other random news, I’ve decided that I’m going to re-watch Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Rock of Love and share my ten favorite lines from each episode.  I have to find right day of the week to post this but hopefully you will love it just as much as I do!

If not?

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Have a great one!