Reading

Guest Post: Instagram’s Explore Page

Editorial Note: Welcome Sass back into the fray for another hilarious post about how you’re fucking up on a daily basis. -Team Trash

The Instagram Explore Page…where the shitty taste of my friends gathers and kills my soul.

Earlier this year…or maybe late last year…or maybe earlier last year? Fuck it, I don’t know, sometime before today, Instagram updated their Popular page to become the Explore page. Before, the Popular page was a place where the most liked pictures on Instagram were showcased. There you could see Kim Kardashian’s newest selfie (even though you don’t follow her, but 10 million other people do) or the latest vegetable that Oprah picked from her garden (because, Queen). Even if you don’t follow them, you were able to see what was popular at the time.

And then that changed.

Now, the Explore page displays a mix of pictures popular in your country, pictures your friends have liked and people similar to the people that you follow. It’s more a platform to discover, or explore (see what they did there?) the world outside of themselves and their immediate circle. Sometimes, there are some good finds there; for example, Mankofit with her killer workout tips, DanaChanel and her inspirational messages, and Oprah with her vegetable garden (because, Queen). But other times…Lord Jesus, bless it. The ratchetry of some of my friends is out, about, and pushed to the forefront of my feed.

Here are the top 5 terrible things I can ALWAYS count on seeing on the Explore page:

1.)  Instagram Models and Boutiques – I probably brought this on myself, honestly, because I follow Draya, but there are A LOT of Instagram models and boutiques featured here. There’s a lot of mesh, a ton of weave, breast, butt and lip augmentation and flesh that I don’t need. Usually, these “fashions” can be purchased on the low – bandage, cut out dresses made of mesh can be purchased for $15.99, which includes shipping, handling, tax, service fees, production costs and materials. These “models” have booking information for club appearances and fully styled “I woke up like this” pictures. Yeah, okay.

Screenshot_2014-10-03-12-48-58

2.)  The Half-Naked Boys – Some of these half naked boys are models of either the Instagram or legitimate variety. Others of them are regular people, stunting for their thirsty Instagram followers, whit their pants halfway removed, giving us pubic hair and six-packs, while they brush their teeth with the caption, “Morning.” Boy, stop.I don’t know how these end up on my page, but my eyes are dead set on people I follow (lowers glasses and glares at Trash). Sometimes you get shirtless, sometimes you get pantsless, and sometimes you get an ass clap/twerk video with the caption, “Bored.” I’m never ready for those videos.

(Editor’s Note: I don’t know what Sass is talking about.  I keep it sophisticated and elegant at all times.  Maybe she should check Class)

Screenshot_2014-10-03-12-47-03

3.)  Philosophical Posts from the Ignorant and Highly Uninformed – Everyone is not bright. We know this. The second I find out which of my friends likes posts like the one below, they’re unfollowed. Dead ass. Ebola can be treated and cured, just like you can HIV? Okay, boss. Catch both, and tell me which one clears up first. Honest to God, one of the comments said that they won’t tell you that drinking Lysol cures HIV and they’re keeping that information from us, too. You’re right, medical professionals just won’t tell us that. How rude of them.

Screenshot_2014-10-03-12-45-29

4.)  Memes – The first go ‘round of memes are usually funny. And then they’re not. Let Olivia from The Cosby Show, Kermit and the tea, the “this could be us, but…,” and all the other dead memes go to their much deserved eternal slumber. They don’t need their own accounts and they most certainly don’t need new life every single day. Are some funny? Certainly? Are most? NOPE! Be mindful of your meme usage, ladies and gents. Send Terrio to school, draw on LeBron’s hairline, cure that awkward looking Black girl of her perpetual confusion, and give that struggle ponytail a weave. However, Kim’s cry face and the Martin Baker on the phone memes will never get old to me. Also, any Rihanna face usually makes for a good time. Just be accurate in the captions.

tumblr_me0zrlApaQ1rndm1e

5.)  Food posts – Honestly, I don’t have an issue with these, I just needed a fifth and Trash didn’t answer his phone when I needed another suggestion (I set myself up with five, I should have gone for three). I even think that CookinForBae is amazing. This bitch be hungry. Keep sharing those, I need them.

Screenshot_2014-10-03-12-49-18

(Editorial Note: Trash can in fact confirm that this did not happen.  However, I did just see a large man in a taupe sleeveless top with a cowl neck on my Explore page, so carry on.)

Winning At Reality Shows

It’s the first post of the week, so let’s just take this slowly.

emmaoverit

So last night was Part 3 of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. Now I know that Class is working on his grades of the housewives’ performance this season, but I want to talk about it from a different perspective. I have watched so many (I mean SO MANY) reality shows over the years.  The people on these shows are not normal people and we aren’t to treat them as such.  They are performing in the vein of showing a “slice of life.”  But one thing that is clear is that there are still ways to win.

Let’s talk about them using this reunion as our examples.

1) A Well-Timed Apology

Now this is only within the context of a reality show.  People arguing and backbiting, back pedaling and smeagle popping is par for the course.  But occasionally, you have to deploy the greatest deflection technique in a reality star’s arsenal: the apology. You have to know that you’ve done too much.  Being able to say I’m sorry and convey genuine interest in what you’re saying can erase episodes worth of damage.  If you add in a story about how hard you had it growing up, then you’ll be golden. Doing it wrong and you end up showing your ass a la Nene.

When Andy Cohen asked if she was regretful about her homophobic comments, this was the time to apologize and show remorse.  By making light of her “bosses” offense, she cast herself in a hole where she’s offended the largest portion of her fan base.  And with that being the finale, she’s not going to be on air anytime soon to defend herself.  The fact that Kenya is being cheered for over her is not a good position.

2) A Well-Placed Read

Again, when it comes to slice-of-life reality shows, you have to make people want to watch you.  Being funny is the way to do this.  That is the specific appeal of these shows.  Watching horrible people who make us giggle and gives us quotables.  Who doesn’t remember “Who gone check me boo?” and “Close your legs to married men!” 

The best way to win these shows is hide your horrible real-life personality by being someone who is fun to watch.  Getting a positive edit ensures bigger paychecks, primo real estate at reunion shows, and a lot of features in the clip shows.  It also serves as a way to climb your way up the reality show ladder. On the cusp of getting fired?  Read a bish real good and get yourself to the next season.

phaedra

See this?  Regardless of how you feel about the content, Kenya, Phaedra, or Apollo, there is no denying that this moment took the night.  Wigs on the ground, fake booty leaking silicone, make-up ruined.  There was no coming back from this.  It’s so specific and so direct.  Well. Played. Phaedra.

3) Tell The Truth & Have Your Receipts

This is true in life, but especially true on nationally-televised show.  If you lie and get caught, they are going to flashback to it several times.  But if you are going to argue (and you are!), being able to call back to specific arguments and events that can be supported with a sepia-toned clip will help you win every single time.   It’s indisputable.  It’s hilarious.

Kandi Burress is way more entertaining on this show than one would imagine.  At the reunion, she and Nene got into over her blog post.  After discussing the events of the Bailey Bowl, Nene argued that she would never run from a fight.  Kandi pulled up the infamous argument at the wine bar between Nene and Sheree!

veryrich

Nene ran out with Sheree calling out a “repo at the Home Depot.”  Kandi called it out and the clip aired.  Shots. Fired.  Flawless victory.

So now that I’ve taught these lessons, share your examples.  What are your rules for reality stars??

Quickie Post: Got2BReal

Trash is still not really feeling it.

Please enjoy Queen Patti LaHelle and her masterpiece.

Bye y’all!

Shade Comes From Reading…

The day isn’t over at Class And Trash!

Let’s discuss shade and reading.  We’ll begin our discussion with a guest lecturer, Mr. Dorian Corey.  In this clip from the documentary, Paris Is Burning, Dorian talks about reading and shade.

I hope you took notes.  There will be a test at the end of the post.

For those who didn’t watch the video above, it breaks down like this.  Reading or a read is a direct insult meant to embarrass or hurt the target’s feelings. Shade is an insult that sounds nice or innocent with the intention of catching your target off guard.  Let’s have some examples:

shade1shade2

Now that was a read.

mariah1 mariah2

And this is shade.

Do you see the difference?  The Dowager Countess has no concern for anyone else’s feelings.  Mariah’s sentence at its core is innocent, but she’s dismissing Nicki Minaj’s entire career.

I bring this up because as aspects of gay culture become more mainstream, it is important that we understand what we are saying and where it comes from. Simple as that.  And to be frank, there’s a metric ton on shade on this blog.  And that pleases us.

walkaway

It really is one of the best feelings in the world.  What’s important is that if you catch yourself getting shaded is that you don’t respond with anger.  Fight shade with shade.  If you get upset, then that person has won.  Don’t take that!

So to wrap this up, I’ll leave you with a 3 question quiz.  (Oh you thought I was kidding?) Is this shade or a read?  Give us your answers in the polls below!

1) Harry responding to William – Shade or Read?

prince1 prince2

2) Mariah describing Eminem – Shade or Read?

andy1 andy2

3) Sheneneh’s “Customer Service” – Shade or Read?

sheneneh

Share your favorite shady stories or reads that make you laugh in the comments below!

“I don’t keep up with Joneses, I am the Joneses.” – Nene Leakes

Linnethea Monique Leakes (Nene Leakes) is a real housewife of Atlanta and one of my Queens. Now before you roll your eyes and stop reading give this a chance! Nene has a humble beginning: small town girl, stripped to pay the bills (bandz made her dance! Ayeeeee!), married rich, became a real housewife, became an actual actress outside of reality TV, saved her marriage, and managed to not make a name for herself merely by hopping on different trashy reality shows and fighting with people. Now yes, she can be loud but she keeps it real.  She described herself perfect; “Let me get you to understand I don’t bully anybody. I stand up for what I believe in and I’m very honest and I always tell the truth. I’m not a liar, I’m not manipulative and I don’t stab you in your back because I will stab you in your chest.”

So here are 5 life lessons that Nene has taught us.

1)   “Close ya legs to married men!” But really. It’s 2014. These trollops have GOT to stop sleeping around with married men, women, or both(didn’t want to leave anyone out). Just don’t do it. While I’m parked right here, all those cheaters in general, go somewhere else with that. Until you do right, your life will never be right. OKAY?! (snaps fingers in Z formation)

2)   “You touch me girl, I will wear that wig off your head. A straight hooker. Andy, I’m gonna respect you and let you do this interview next to this trashbox. Trashy hooker. Go on.” – Listen, sometimes you need to check someone and let him or her know what time it is. I try to remain calm, cool, and collected at all times. The problem is that it tricks people into thinking you are weak and they can walk all over you. No ma’am, not today or EVER! God gave of mouths, voices, words, and opinions. USE THEM (Wisely. You probably don’t want to pop off at the president of your company or Oprah). Don’t let anyone steal your shine.

3)   “I’m just not into trying to convince people to like me. I always say to myself, ‘It is what it is.’ I walk into a situation knowing that people are either going to love me or they’re going to love me or they’re not, and that’s OK. I’m just going to be me. You can’t be everything to everyone.”  Y’all I just ran around my room in praise in worship. Not everyone is going to like you in life. Point. Blank. Period. Don’t stress over it and REALLY take the time to appreciate those people that love you for YOU! Can I get an amen from the choir? It’s one of those lessons that people learn in their own time, but once you learn it your REAL friendships become stronger.

 4)   “I think that everyone is saying all kinds of things about ’rich.’ Not only am I rich from doing some of the things I’ve been able to do, but I’m rich in spirit. I’m rich in health. I’m rich in every possible way.”  I’m just as guilty as everyone in believing that while money can’t buy happiness, it surely can buy you a crap ton of things (or at least pay off my car and student loans). If someone put a million dollars in your bank account today, TRY and tell me that after you body rolled, whipped your hair, and popped your booty, you wouldn’t be ten times happier! That being said, while we all wait for this money to magically appear, we do need to begin shifting our focus to the richness in life that we have. Yes, it is hard to believe that we are rich in life every time an agent from our student loan providers calls wanting more money that we CLEARLY don’t have, BUT at least we are alive to receive that phone call, right?!

 5)   “I am here now because I am supposed to be here. And I guess when it is my time to cross over there, I will be over there. I am not religious, but I am spiritual, honey. My day is coming!” Be Patient. Be Daring. Be Bold. Be Great. Know that nothing in life lasts forever, so if you’re going through something, it has to end. What we can’t do is kick are feet back, eat Ben and Jerrys Milk and Cookies Ice Cream (GET INTO THIS FLAVOR THO! Thank us later), and expect life to change in the way we want it. Hard work is always rewarded at SOME point in life. If you’re really feeling down and out ask yourself, what would Beyonce do? Oh you know, Perform at the Presidents inauguration, Perform at the Superbowl, wake innocent people up early in the morning for a PEPSI COMMERCIAL (still pressed about it), go on a sold out world tour, be a wife, raise a child, OH and record a flawless album with accompanying videos (Girl WHAT and HOW?). Stan moment over but really….go and be GREAT y’all!

Who do you find inspiration in, be it your parent or a reality show star? Comment here OR tweet us @ClassNTrashShow. I’ll leave you with one of Nene’s finest moments. Need a lesson on how to set someone straight? Watch below and be sure to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta every Sunday. Now twirl on THAT! BLOOP!