pet peeves

Let’s Talk: Bad Texters

It’s Monday.  I’m still sick.  So my attitude is a little salty.   So let’s talk about these flops for a second. Now, I pretty much have a close knit group of friends with whom I text and chat on the phone.  I find it easier to limit my irritation.  But after one of those “nights” out, I ended up trading numbers with a bunch of people who I don’t recall meeting and it reminded me that some people are awful at this texting thing.  So let’s lay out some ground rules.

1) No dumb acronyms. 

So I got a text the other day that started with “hru?”  What pray tell is that?

I was able to gather that it means “How are you?” but seriously, how hard is it to just type that out?  You couldn’t spare the additional second it takes to send a proper greeting?  We aren’t using T9 anymore and there isn’t a character limit.  It won’t hurt you.  I promise.

2) Calm down, ho!

If I haven’t responded in 9-10 messages spread over a day or two, there’s a few reasons.

A) I’ve lost my phone.

B) There’s an emergency situation.

C) I’m in a place with no signal.

D) I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

So calm down, have a Kit Kat, and when I respond, we can chat.  If I don’t respond, hit that block button and keep me out of your life.

3) Respond.  

This may seem contrary to point two, but it is not.  If we are having a conversation that entails plans or any serious matter and there’s a period where you might not be able to reply, let somebody know.  If I’m at work and have a meeting, I’ll simply send a quick message as I walk that says, I’ll be back in a bit.  If you feel yourself falling asleep, just say so.  It saves times and is way more considerate.

4) Do not include people who don’t each other in group chats.

I don’t want to get messages about things I don’t care about from people I don’t know.  Unless I was told before hand, don’t just include my number in this.

5) No One Letter Responses

This is literally only okay if I’m picking you up and text you that I am here.  Otherwise, save that lazy shit for someone else.

6) Stop Yelling At Me

Give that exclamation point a rest.  Caps lock too.  So nasty and so rude!

7) Restrain yourself on emojis.

I know that the iPhone has a multitude of fun emojis.  But every sentence doesn’t need a smile.  And please know that the winky face is only for certain occasions.  Otherwise, it’s weird.

8) “What’s Up”

If you text me that and don’t continue the conversation, you’re edging towards getting deleted.  Why text me if you don’t have anything to talk about or can’t carry a conversation.  You initiated, talk to me hussy!

That’s all I have for now, but feel free to add your own rules!

Unrealistic Expectations

Now far be it from me to tell people to lower the standards of what they are looking for in a mate.  But I just need to have a word with my straight brethren.  It seems that a lot of you ashy, crusty men have a laundry list of demands from the women you can’t attract, can’t date, and can’t keep.  This came up in a conversation between Overactive Blogger, Class, and I last night when a mutual acquaintance tweeted some nonsense about how a woman can’t expect to keep a man when she doesn’t treat him like one.

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See here’s the thing.  There is this prevailing notion among some of you that “females” only exists to cater to your whims.  To keep you house clean, breed a litter of ugly children, and fulfill your sexual desires.  And sure, there are some ladies who will want to do that.  But it should be their choice.  We live in a world where two incomes is almost the minimum to survive.  So your part-time hours at Stop & Shop aren’t going to cut it.  If your wife or girlfriend is busy working and paying the student loans that she took out in order to get a job, then that just MAY cut into the time she has to lotion your toe talons and make a from scratch meal every single night.  If you all have kids, between their activities, working, and household chores, your needs may simply come last.

Whenever I hear something like this, I feel as though it’s just your precious male ego taking a hit but women DO NOT NEED YOU to live a thriving, successful life.  If anything, raggedy ain’t shit Tyrese-lite men like you are making it easier for them to know who to avoid.  The only women who are going to put their own needs behind “her man’s” delusions are either women who choose to do so (as is their right) or women with such low self-esteem that they believe that is the only way to keep a man.

So here’s a few handy tips on not being an asshole.  Because I’m generous like that…

1) STOP REFERRING TO WOMEN AS FEMALES.

Why are we still doing that?  Saying female makes it sound like you’re describing a primate or a specimen.  It’s not attractive and it’s irritating.

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2) You can’t date Instagram models.

Now if you are single, there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to a little eye candy.  And if you happen to meet a girl you like that caters to your eye candy visions, good for you!  But let me let you in on a little secret.  You are at best AVERAGE.  And the thing about these “bad bitch” accounts is that these bad bitches aren’t interested in dating your regular ass.  That’s why Catfish is going into its 3rd season.

Get off the internet scouring for the woman who looks like Cassie, cooks like your grandmother, and f*cks you like Jenna Jamison.

3) It is 2014, not 1920.

Now I’m not a woman and I can’t speak for women.  But I can tell you that in today’s world, equitable relationships are in vogue.  Speaking specifically to African Americans, women are now getting more degrees and higher paying jobs and then having to come home and babysit a man-child who was never taught to take responsibility for his actions.  And they simply don’t have the time for man-boy antics and selfish whims.

4) Your wife/girlfriend is not your mother.

Women aren’t responsible for getting your life together.  It is not her job to upgrade you.  It is not her job to make sure you go to work.  Her job is to support, care, and love you just as you do to her.  If she’s working late, make her a meal.  If both of you are home, why not clean together?  All that I’m trying to say is that you all seem to be looking for someone to fix your life and cover your faults, but Iyanla is booked.  Motivate yourself to take care of her and you’ll be surprised what she’ll be willing to do for you.

5) Use discretion.

Listen, we all want to get some.  It’s human.  I’m going to say this once.

WRAP IT THE FUCK UP!

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There are too many condoms brands for you to blame women for getting pregnant.  There is too much free porn for your to catch chlamydia.  Dating is hard enough without having to deal with you not getting tested, thinking that pulling out prevents pregnancy, and leaving women to be single mothers.  Don’t stick your dick in everything and perhaps it will ease the burden of getting to know the type of women you want to date.

All in all, I simply want my straights to find happy, enduring relationships.  While individual relationships may vary, you all have to stop creating these unrealistic expectations of women while you sit there with ashy elbows and chapped lips.  Take care of yourself, take care of your lady, and you will find a happy medium where you both are happy and you don’t have to get on Twitter talking about how “Women these days don’t scrape the barnacles off the backs of they men like they use to!”

Ladies, how do you deal with raggedy men? Fellas, are you expecting too much? Let us know in the comments or over on the Twitter (@ClassNTrashShow).