Online Dating

Quickie Post: Lies, Fairy Tales, & Fallacies

So this is real quick since I finally get to go back to Atlanta today!  (Which is really starting to feel like home)

But you know, some of you have to stop lying on these little profiles girl.  Now I’m not as opposed to online dating as Class but I do have many of the same issues he has.

However, ladies and gents, we have to keep it real in these mean online streets.  Put your actual height.  Put your actual weight (not your goal weight or your pre-college weight).  Don’t say you love something that you don’t.  Put up a recent picture.  You know, if you actually want to date someone on these sites, don’t be a disappointment when you meet in person.  My plan is to put up pictures of me at my average (which is to say including what I look like at work) with one picture of me when my genes are on 100.  I also save it for last, because I don’t look like that everyday.  That’s me snatching wigs.  This first pic is the Trash you’re going to see during the week.  And if you like that, you damn sure are going to love when I’m feeling my beat and my bang.

So that’s all.  Have a great one and I WILL be back for Trashy Thursday!

Smooches!

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Y’all Can Keep Your Online Dating

Hello friends. This is Class!!!

I am currently reconstructing my life and blogging just has taken a back burner but Trash keeps coming for my wig so… Here we go.

It’s Friday which most likely means I will spend my night with wine, contemplating my life as a bachelor.

Part of my reconstruction includes my love life or rather….the lack there of. Past relationships were great when they were great but when they flopped it took a toll on my trust. So I decided, to not date and just live life as a strong, sassy, independent woman (well man). But after a couple of years and some trashy hooker wig nights (which are NONE your business. yolo my readers!), I find myself prepared to love again.

I’m young. Fun. Got my looks together… So this should be easy right? Heck no.

This is where all you happy relationship people say , “OMG you should totes online date! Have you like tried tinder? What about Plenty Of Fish?”

Girl. Shut up.

A) Despite some of my choices, I’m extremely old school and will nevah have to say “Oh, we met online”. It ain’t going down like that. I get the changing climate of dating but I’m not giving up hope that one can find love in a more organic way that doesn’t waste my data plan with Verizon.

B) A lot of people on these apps are looking for a quick hookup. When you open an introduction with “How big is your wang?” You can go stand in the middle of a busy highway and wait for me to show you. I’ll be riiiiight there.

C) Some of y’all too damn clingy. Don’t start talking long term with someone YOU HAVE NEVER MET. It drives me crazy. I was just trying to be polite and you planning on moving in together. Fuck outta here.

D) To quote Heidi Montag, “They say I’m superficial.” And I just might be, but that doesn’t change that there are some people that can make a cockroach look appealing on these apps. By the same token, those of you who use your “model” shots as your main profile pic but two pics over we see the real you in a dirty mirror selfie… I have one thing to say to youuuu…. YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE! Get outta here with that. Have me all excited thinking I found Shemar Moore but really you look like a dying mongoose.

E) If you’re married or in a seemingly serious relationship and you are on one of these apps, you are nasty and I personally hope you penis (or vagina) falls off because we know what you’re doing and it ain’t cute. And no, YOU ARE NOT JUST LOOKING FOR FRIENDS YA NASTY HOOKER.

To my relationship friends who have never had to use online dating, leave us single folk who don’t want to date online alone. TRUST ME, it is not as glamorous as the eHarmony commercials make it look.

Moral of this blog is, I have no desire to date online. So leave me be. I don’t want a profile made, nothing. When a relationship is meant to happen, it will happen.

K thanks bye!

HAPPY FRIDAY! Get them bottles poppin’!!!

Quickie Post: Tips for Flirting

Hey lovely people,

Class and I are struggling for post ideas today but since I just got a message on OkCupid, I thought it would be fun to share a few tips for flirting with me on the internets.

1) Talk to me.

I know that sounds simple, but I like talking to potential suitors. I want to get to know you and I want you to know me.

2) Save your nudes for later.

You know, I’m a simple man who appreciates the beauty of your body. But I don’t know your real name. I don’t need to see your peen.

At least not yet…

3) Hygiene is key.

You all already know that showers are important. But you know, clean your mirrors before you selfie. Make sure your room is clean in the background. LOTION YOUR BODY.

Alrighty, are you all dating online? What do you want to see in your potential matches? Let us know in the comments or on Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow.

No, My Name Ain’t Baby!

Ms. Jackson, if ya nasty!

janet-jackson-nasty-o

Hello Everyone and Happy Friday!

So my mind has been in the gutter lately.  You know basically becoming one of those lustful, cat deddy type of men that Robin was so dismissive of during ANTM Cycle 1.

I don’t know if it is because I have way too much free time right now or I simply want someone to cuddle with.  Either way, my thirst has been out of control.  But the problem is that the ones I’m thirsty for do not live anywhere around me.  I open up that little profile and I see the following:

1) People who look like they haven’t bathed in several years

pigpen

2) People with interests that lead me to believe they are serial killers

jason

3) People with shirtless pictures who shouldn’t be shirtless.

Rick-Ross-shirtless-450a102908

By the by, I’m not saying you can’t be big and sexy.  Just put your best foot forward in the profile.  

Now I know that my taste tends to run a little…obvious, but I have been attracted to normal guys before.  I just can’t seem to find ones that don’t frighten me who are also interested in me.  I get that I’m not exactly the popular type for the North, but this drought is something serious.  Hell, I almost texted someone from my past, the thirst has gotten so intense.

So I’m opening the floor to you all readers.  What do you do when you find yourself in lust with no partners?  Are there dating sites where people know to clean their mirrors before taking a selfie?  Is there anyone interested in simply getting to know each other before swapping nudes?

Let me know in the comments!  Like now.  Thanks.

When Being Single Stopped Being Cute

 1) I never worried about being in a relationship because I love myself. I love “me-time”. I love being able to do whatever I want with no one asking questions. Destiny’s Child taught me that I was independent and I believed them.

2) I grew up in a house where my parents met and fell in love in college.

So naturally I thought this was how love worked! I mean it worked out for Whitley and Dwayne on “A Different World”, right? Imagine my surprise when I left college single. However, I wasn’t pressed because Graduate School was going to be my second shot at love. Right? Wrong. First, let me say that Grad school really doesn’t give a two craps about your feelings. None. Second, it doesn’t help when old married people surround you with kids and they live REAL adult lives. Needless to say my love life flopped in Grad School.

So time to be an adult…a single adult. Personally, I never thought about what dating looked like as an adult. Do people really meet in grocery stores or at the gym? Am I going to win my future lover with my sexy dance body rolls at the club? Will I really be forced to find love online? Well let’s answer these questions.

The grocery store: I don’t know about y’all but I never walk out of the house slaying the game at the grocery store. I’m out there in my finest sweatpants, messed up hair, raggedy shoes on, and to be honest sometimes you just don’t want to shower if you’re only trying to buy some milk, gummy bears, and return to bed. So alas nobody is checking for me at the store.

 The gym? Again, I don’t go to the gym looking cute. I’m trying to keep this figure all the way right. Is it just me or is being sweaty and stinky NOT the formula for true love?

 The Club: So it’s Saturday night. You and your friends decide you’re going to go man hunting at the club. What do you do? Go to the back of the closet and pull out your freakum dress. You look in the mirror and tell yourself “Who is the baddest bitch??? Me.” After you and your friends throw back some liquid courage you find yourself at the club.  So here I am with my friends, single, ready to mingle, and drop it low to the floor. Now I don’t know what the rest of y’all are out here to do. I’ve found there are two types of people.

  1.  Type A) You guys just stand there, throw shade, and look stank. While I’m always here for a shadefest I just wonder……WHY ARE YOU AT THE CLUB? Anyway, these folks are always unbothered and uninterested. (Whatever, their loss. You’re not even all that attractive anyway.)
  2.  Type B) The thirsty people who would date a mongoose if people didn’t think that it was weird. Now listen and listen well. I’m single NOT DESPERATE……DO. NOT. TOUCH. ME. This type B thirsty trick is the one that you are not interested but they think they can be all up in your personal space. Do you not see me serving on the dance floor? Be warned: The type B person can also fool you. They appear to be normal….until they blow up your cell phone 10 minutes later talking about when will they see you next. Bitch, I don’t know. I am too busy dancing to Yonce, no longer interested in your clingy self, and doing my BEST to avoid you.

Suffice to say, the club is not for love. (New hit song?)

Online Dating: They say this is where love is beginning these. I truly have always told myself that I am too young and too cute to be online but times are hard. Let’s all be honest we have all AT LEAST temporarily signed up for an account. Well, I am no different. I made a profile. I was genuine, endearing, put up the cutest pictures, and then I hit submit. After waiting for the next page to load I began to scroll. Now, I’m not trying to insult anyone but it can be ….shocking when some of your “matches” load. I didn’t know that I should be dating people that looked like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. No shade. You know they say that dating someone wrong for you might be a good thing so I click the profiles anyway. Now the do’s and don’ts of creating an online dating profile is a topic for another day. What I WILL say is, take the bathroom selfies somewhere else ESPECIALLY if you haven’t cleaned the damn bathroom mirror. If you have no ambition in life whatsoever, can you hide that? Or find some damn ambition? Needless to say online dating is a flop, for me anyway.

So here I am twenty something and single. It seems like everyone is on their way to engagement, engaged, married, married with kids and a cute house they bought. I’m not really pressed about the kids part. Y’all can keep that! (Hey, I teach your bad behind kids all day. Don’t judge me). I would be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t pressed that I’m single. Not just single but single as single as they come.