Marriage

Guest Post: The One

Coming to you for the 99 and the 2000, we’re happy to have another Guest Post from Brash.  You may remember her from Trash traveling to The Read Live in New York.  Show her some love! -Team Trash

Hey y’all! This is B to the Rash – capuhtul B means I’m bout dat life. Or…just Brash. Hi. Class and Trash have graciously allowed me to contribute to this hilarious blog. I haven’t really had a strong, formulated opinion about anything lately, but recently I’m beginning to think I’m being trolled by social media.

It seems like everybody is finding ‘the one’ these days. At least according to my Facebook feed filled with incessant engagement announcements, wedding albums, and links to blog posts about married life.  Personally, I do happen to believe there is someone special out there for everyone. And I don’t believe this just because I’m another one of Disney’s Happily Ever After victims. I truly feel that there is someone out there who will tolerate my surliness, my propensity to nap for hours upon end, my extreme reluctance to ever leave my bed, my love affair with anything fried, and perhaps my complete lack of interest in doing anything physical that doesn’t involve a happy ending for me. But enough about my issues that I refuse to take any steps to resolve. How are people knowing if they have found ‘the one’, particularly at the tender age of 20 something?!?

A lot (not all mind you but A LOT) of these couples have dated a couple of years fresh out of college, gotten into the rhythm of having decent sex, pooping in front of each other, sharing an Amazon prime account, etc., then decide they allegedly want to spend the rest of their lives together.

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Full disclosure: I am a single woman with a slight (read: major) aversion to marriage. The thought of being legally bound to someone for the rest of my life sends me into a full blown panic attack. However, I think I’m raising a valid question whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married. How do you know, from just dating this person for 2 or 3 years, and you are only a 25 year old with next to zero life experience, that THIS is the person you want to wake up to everyday for the next 50 or 60 years? I mean. There’s stuff in my freezer that have lasted longer than some of my relationships that I’m still iffy about. And with the casual way that people marry and divorce…

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…I’m just a little hesitant when people feel the need to flood my timeline about every activity that they do with ‘the one’ but can’t define their singular hopes and dreams outside of their relationship. I remember asking a classmate, who had been telling me about this guy she’d been seeing for several months, in a half-serious way if the guy was the one. This girl looked me dead in the eye and breathed out ‘I think so.’

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What is the point to this post, one might ask? Are these just the bitter ramblings of a single woman? Nah. Y’all can keep your love where you have to share things like a bathroom and wake up to morning breath. For now Netflix and Adam & Eve are doing their job quite nicely. My point, however, is with the way that people sashay into our lives on a constant basis for a season or two, shouldn’t we use a little more precaution when bestowing upon someone such a heavy title? Maybe go through a life experience or two before we assign that label? I just think ‘the one’ has been watered down and overused to something unrecognizable. That being said, I’ll let y’all in on a little secret: I’ve already found my ‘the one.’ They’re actually 4 ‘the ones.’ They’re my best friends and my soulmates. And now that I have officially ripped off a Carrie Bradshaw quote and at the risk of rambling like one of those Cosmopolitan magazine articles, I’m out.

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All the Single Ladies!!!!

First off….It’s been one month of Class And Trash! AWOOT! So now that there are a bunch of posts here, please share share share the blog! We want to be here to stay! We would love to make this bigger and better one-day but that needs YOU! ANYWAY on to the post…

February 14th…… A day that all couples look forward to. It is also a day that all single as shit people dread. Whether we want to admit it or not. I don’t really grasp that excitement that couples have, so this is for all my single ladies (and gents out there) to nod and snap their fingers to in agreement; and for all the couples to take note about why we feel salty when you talk to us about it….

So here we go:

5 Ways to Not Piss off Your Single and Bitter Friends on Valentines Day:

1)   Don’t Ask.

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Bitch you’re my friend. You know I don’t HAVE any romantic partner in my life. I don’t even have a fake text message boo. What in the entire heck do you think I’m going to do today but sit and try to avoid being on social media?!?!?!?! For most single people, this day is just another day. We wake up and try not to think about it…… and then….. then y’all want to start asking too many damn questions. “So what are you doing tonight?” “Ohhhh noooo!!! Don’t just stay in by yourself!” Which brings me to number two.

2)   “Well why don’t you hang out with us?”

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Oh. OKAY. This sounds like a PERFECT Valentines Day to me!!! And it’s on a Friday this year? PERFECT way to kick off the weekend! SO while you are lovey dovey in the corner with the man or woman of your dream, I’ll just sit here and eat more bread at the restaurant. Or maybe I’ll hold my own hand at the movie. Ooooooh wait I’ll just buy my own chocolate and gifts! YASSSS! (note alllllll the sarcasm)

You get the idea….. The point is I’d rather sit, eat chocolate, and drink cheap bottle of wine. Alone. Trust me it’s OKAY. I will be OKAY. This is NOT the first time at the single rodeo. The fake pity party is not needed today. I know you’re trying to help but it makes me get all into my feelings.

3)   Congrats on your flowers, cards, chocolates, etc.

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Listen. It’s Valentines Day. We know that your going to receive a present while the single clan waits for the sale on the 15th…but do we need to see the Facebook Status, Twitter, and instragram (with filter) shared up and down on the timeline?!?!?! It’s just extra. How many stuffed animals, flowers, and boxes of chocolates do we need to see? (DRINKING GAME ALERT! Take a shot every time one of these status or images rolls across your timeline!) I rather scroll down and see messages about snow and what an idiot Justin Bieber is today.

4)   I’m sure you’ll find someone soon.

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Okay trick. This one right here. That statement will make me flip a table and lose it. Why? Because I’m working on it. Maybe I’m picky. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe my checklist is too long. But i’m working on it. What I don’t need is fake sympathy tho. So now go on and enjoy your day! Call me tomorrow and we’ll will turn up! Kthanks

5)   Don’t Apologize to me

I know I’m single. It ain’t your fault. Really. No explanation on this needed.

ByeAshy

Okay that sounded a lot more bitter than it was meant to be. I’m really not super pressed as I’ve grown accustomed to this life. That and my mom will forever be my one true valentine So there’s that. It just gets real frustrating. ESPECIALLY new couples; Trollop you were single yesterday…get off of my timeline with that tripe.

With that being said. Hope all my couples truly have a magical day! But just keep it with your boo/if your friends ask you about your day. And to my single friends…there has got to be a club for single people to go shimmy and flirt, right? Let all find that. Put on that sexy outfit and stay away from the thirsty single tricks who are just trying to get it in…that’s how you catch diseases.

Ladies? ……Say I …look so good tonight!

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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! We love you like XO!