kim kardashian

Guest Post: Instagram’s Explore Page

Editorial Note: Welcome Sass back into the fray for another hilarious post about how you’re fucking up on a daily basis. -Team Trash

The Instagram Explore Page…where the shitty taste of my friends gathers and kills my soul.

Earlier this year…or maybe late last year…or maybe earlier last year? Fuck it, I don’t know, sometime before today, Instagram updated their Popular page to become the Explore page. Before, the Popular page was a place where the most liked pictures on Instagram were showcased. There you could see Kim Kardashian’s newest selfie (even though you don’t follow her, but 10 million other people do) or the latest vegetable that Oprah picked from her garden (because, Queen). Even if you don’t follow them, you were able to see what was popular at the time.

And then that changed.

Now, the Explore page displays a mix of pictures popular in your country, pictures your friends have liked and people similar to the people that you follow. It’s more a platform to discover, or explore (see what they did there?) the world outside of themselves and their immediate circle. Sometimes, there are some good finds there; for example, Mankofit with her killer workout tips, DanaChanel and her inspirational messages, and Oprah with her vegetable garden (because, Queen). But other times…Lord Jesus, bless it. The ratchetry of some of my friends is out, about, and pushed to the forefront of my feed.

Here are the top 5 terrible things I can ALWAYS count on seeing on the Explore page:

1.)  Instagram Models and Boutiques – I probably brought this on myself, honestly, because I follow Draya, but there are A LOT of Instagram models and boutiques featured here. There’s a lot of mesh, a ton of weave, breast, butt and lip augmentation and flesh that I don’t need. Usually, these “fashions” can be purchased on the low – bandage, cut out dresses made of mesh can be purchased for $15.99, which includes shipping, handling, tax, service fees, production costs and materials. These “models” have booking information for club appearances and fully styled “I woke up like this” pictures. Yeah, okay.

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2.)  The Half-Naked Boys – Some of these half naked boys are models of either the Instagram or legitimate variety. Others of them are regular people, stunting for their thirsty Instagram followers, whit their pants halfway removed, giving us pubic hair and six-packs, while they brush their teeth with the caption, “Morning.” Boy, stop.I don’t know how these end up on my page, but my eyes are dead set on people I follow (lowers glasses and glares at Trash). Sometimes you get shirtless, sometimes you get pantsless, and sometimes you get an ass clap/twerk video with the caption, “Bored.” I’m never ready for those videos.

(Editor’s Note: I don’t know what Sass is talking about.  I keep it sophisticated and elegant at all times.  Maybe she should check Class)

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3.)  Philosophical Posts from the Ignorant and Highly Uninformed – Everyone is not bright. We know this. The second I find out which of my friends likes posts like the one below, they’re unfollowed. Dead ass. Ebola can be treated and cured, just like you can HIV? Okay, boss. Catch both, and tell me which one clears up first. Honest to God, one of the comments said that they won’t tell you that drinking Lysol cures HIV and they’re keeping that information from us, too. You’re right, medical professionals just won’t tell us that. How rude of them.

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4.)  Memes – The first go ‘round of memes are usually funny. And then they’re not. Let Olivia from The Cosby Show, Kermit and the tea, the “this could be us, but…,” and all the other dead memes go to their much deserved eternal slumber. They don’t need their own accounts and they most certainly don’t need new life every single day. Are some funny? Certainly? Are most? NOPE! Be mindful of your meme usage, ladies and gents. Send Terrio to school, draw on LeBron’s hairline, cure that awkward looking Black girl of her perpetual confusion, and give that struggle ponytail a weave. However, Kim’s cry face and the Martin Baker on the phone memes will never get old to me. Also, any Rihanna face usually makes for a good time. Just be accurate in the captions.

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5.)  Food posts – Honestly, I don’t have an issue with these, I just needed a fifth and Trash didn’t answer his phone when I needed another suggestion (I set myself up with five, I should have gone for three). I even think that CookinForBae is amazing. This bitch be hungry. Keep sharing those, I need them.

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(Editorial Note: Trash can in fact confirm that this did not happen.  However, I did just see a large man in a taupe sleeveless top with a cowl neck on my Explore page, so carry on.)

Class & Trash Show: The A-Z Playlist

Hey Party People!

I came across this challenge via Tumblr and thought it would be a fun post! This challenge is about making a music playlist using each letter of the alphabet.

I (Team Trash) used Spotify and have embedded the playlist with brief desc below!  Hope you enjoy!

A: All Gold Everything – Trinidad James
One of my favorite hoodrat jams of the past few years, Trinidad’s ode to the glamorest (yes, glamorest) life.
B: Between The Sheets – The Isley Brothers
Iconic lovemaking anthem.
C: Come Close – Common f. Mary J. Blige
The video for this is super sweet and it’s a fantastically candid love song.
D: Do It – Nelly Furtado
Perfect calisthenics music.  Get up and do some knee lifts.
E: Erinner Mich Dich Zu Vergessen – Yvonne Catterfeld
German love song from 2006.  Lovely melody.  Means “In Case You’ve Forgotten”
F: Fancy – Reba McIntyre
Queen Reba tells us how to be a fancy hooker and slay the lessers.
G: Gills & Tails – Amel Larrieux
Dirty lyrics disguised is a simple, hauntingly beautiful melody
H: Hit Em Up Style – Blu Cantrell
Yaaaaaaaaasss! Flawless revenge jam.
I: Into The Ocean – Blue October
Ambient, sad, moving.  A song for when you’re deep in your feelings.
J: Jam (Turn It Up) – Kim Kardashian
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K: Key To My Heart – Craig David
Favorite song from the first album.  Love the call & response. Love his head voice.
L: Live It Up – John Legend f. Miri Ben Ari
John Legend’s voice is perfect.  A perfect celebratory anthem.  You just feel good when you listen to it.
M: Mathematics – Mos Def
A co-werker suggestion.  Lyrically complex.  Completely dope.
N: No Parking On The Dance Floor – Midnight Star
Sorry.  Too busy grooving.  Be back later.
O: Oochie Wally – Bravehearts f. Nas
LITTLE YOUNG THING, GO AROUND MY **** WITH YA TONGUE RING!  ::booty dances on the wall::
P: Patron Tequila – Paradiso Girls
Perfect dance beat.  Mindless, repetitive, catchy as all hell.
Q: Queen B*tch – L’il Kim
Classic.  Flaw-free.  Why L’il Kim was the baddest in the game.
R: Rub You The Right Way – Johnny Gill
The Pump, Pump It Up.  HEY! crack me up every time.  Just a great late 80’s funk jam.
S: Short Skirt/Long Jacket – Cake
I watched this video every single morning before school.  The bass/guitar riff goes.
T: The Look of Love – ABC
80’s Synth-pop at it’s finest. Another great groove.
U: Up – James Morrison, Jessie J
Two fantastic voices singing my feelings.  You can expect a tribute to James Morrison.
V: Vanity – Christina Aguilera
“I’m not cocky!  I just loooove myself, BITCH!” Hidden gem on a flop album.
W: Wonderful – Annie Lennox
One SANGING white woman.  Completely haunting, 100% accurate song about falling from someone.
X: XO – Beyoncé
Incredibly, powerful song.  Beyoncé at her finest.  Feels personal.
Y: You Are My Everything – Surface
The background vocals and harmonies are the epitome of everything.  Two step with your boo to this one.
Z: Zoom – Commodores
Just incredible.  The horns.  The vocals.  Incredibly poignant considering our commitment to pursuing our dreams wherever that may lead in 2014.

 

What songs would you have included? Join in and link back so that we can take a listen!

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Celebrity Jury: Ray J

It’s Saturday and it’s time to decide the fate of another “celebrity.”

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Oh wait a minute, ain’t that Brandy’s brother?!

So Ray J, step on down!  It’s time to decide you fate.

Fact:  Ray J has been around a LONG time!

When Brandy burst onto the scene in the early 90’s with her box braids, hits on hits, and slayage; she dragged our dear friend Ray J in our conscious.  But Ray had bigger dreams than bodyrolling and doing the Bankhead Bounce with the catering staff.

Fact: Ray J can’t sing.

Yeah, while Brandy snatched on the final chorus on “I Wanna Be Down,” Ray J does not have said ability.  This is the video that led to the alleged fight between him and Fabolous.  And we all know how this ended.

Thanks Kid Fury! (@KidFury on Twitter)  If you don’t already know, love, and follow him, you LATE!

Fact: Ray  J has bops! Well, been a part of bops.  

Listen.  This is legit a flawless jam.  Trash’s favorite line: “Sexy, can I visit you at work while you slidin’ down the pole, no pannies no shirt!”

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143! AAAAAAAAAAYE WHAT IT DO!

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Obviously, the source of our opening line!  Back when we watched Free & AJ countdown the hottest videos, all of the lesser known R&B sensations were slaying!  Remember Nivea!  We’ll pay tribute to her and her Laundromat soon!

Fact: Ray J is a Petty Betty.

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Bye Ashy!  While I am no fan of the Kardashian, we know you had sex with her.  We know that she got paid millions of dollars while you took home a Happy Meal toy.  We know that she’s gone on to be rich, famous, and inescapable.   We know that you…ummm?

Got that snazzy haircut? I guess.

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Girl what is that?

Fun Fact: I Hit It First is one of Class’s favorite songs and was on his 2013 Top Played from Spotify.

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Fact: Ray J ruins shows.

Ray J was a part of two great shows from the 90’s and early 2000’s, Moesha & One On One.  On both shows, he appeared mid-series and did his very best to ruin it.  We didn’t care about Dorian or how he almost ruined the relationship between Frank & Dee.  We definitely didn’t care about One on One when Flex Washington left to smile at Shanice.  It was trash and he was trash.

Verdict:  Go sit in the corner, sir.

We live in a world where we have enough psuedo-celebrities.  Who keeps letting Ray J make music?  Who keeps letting him act?  Ray J, you are not a thug. You’re not a good singer.  Stick to random appearances in flop rappers songs and find Cris Arroyo and bring back New York!  I know you have his number!

What’s your verdict?  I know that I ignored Family Business and For The Love of Ray J but they just weren’t that illuminating or trashy.  And that’s not what I’m trying to do.

Let us know in the comments or on the Twitter Machine!  Happy Saturday!