Kandi Burress

Winning At Reality Shows

It’s the first post of the week, so let’s just take this slowly.

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So last night was Part 3 of the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion. Now I know that Class is working on his grades of the housewives’ performance this season, but I want to talk about it from a different perspective. I have watched so many (I mean SO MANY) reality shows over the years.  The people on these shows are not normal people and we aren’t to treat them as such.  They are performing in the vein of showing a “slice of life.”  But one thing that is clear is that there are still ways to win.

Let’s talk about them using this reunion as our examples.

1) A Well-Timed Apology

Now this is only within the context of a reality show.  People arguing and backbiting, back pedaling and smeagle popping is par for the course.  But occasionally, you have to deploy the greatest deflection technique in a reality star’s arsenal: the apology. You have to know that you’ve done too much.  Being able to say I’m sorry and convey genuine interest in what you’re saying can erase episodes worth of damage.  If you add in a story about how hard you had it growing up, then you’ll be golden. Doing it wrong and you end up showing your ass a la Nene.

When Andy Cohen asked if she was regretful about her homophobic comments, this was the time to apologize and show remorse.  By making light of her “bosses” offense, she cast herself in a hole where she’s offended the largest portion of her fan base.  And with that being the finale, she’s not going to be on air anytime soon to defend herself.  The fact that Kenya is being cheered for over her is not a good position.

2) A Well-Placed Read

Again, when it comes to slice-of-life reality shows, you have to make people want to watch you.  Being funny is the way to do this.  That is the specific appeal of these shows.  Watching horrible people who make us giggle and gives us quotables.  Who doesn’t remember “Who gone check me boo?” and “Close your legs to married men!” 

The best way to win these shows is hide your horrible real-life personality by being someone who is fun to watch.  Getting a positive edit ensures bigger paychecks, primo real estate at reunion shows, and a lot of features in the clip shows.  It also serves as a way to climb your way up the reality show ladder. On the cusp of getting fired?  Read a bish real good and get yourself to the next season.

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See this?  Regardless of how you feel about the content, Kenya, Phaedra, or Apollo, there is no denying that this moment took the night.  Wigs on the ground, fake booty leaking silicone, make-up ruined.  There was no coming back from this.  It’s so specific and so direct.  Well. Played. Phaedra.

3) Tell The Truth & Have Your Receipts

This is true in life, but especially true on nationally-televised show.  If you lie and get caught, they are going to flashback to it several times.  But if you are going to argue (and you are!), being able to call back to specific arguments and events that can be supported with a sepia-toned clip will help you win every single time.   It’s indisputable.  It’s hilarious.

Kandi Burress is way more entertaining on this show than one would imagine.  At the reunion, she and Nene got into over her blog post.  After discussing the events of the Bailey Bowl, Nene argued that she would never run from a fight.  Kandi pulled up the infamous argument at the wine bar between Nene and Sheree!

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Nene ran out with Sheree calling out a “repo at the Home Depot.”  Kandi called it out and the clip aired.  Shots. Fired.  Flawless victory.

So now that I’ve taught these lessons, share your examples.  What are your rules for reality stars??

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Pull Over! Team Trash is Back!

Woop Woop!

Hey people, I’m finally feeling like myself again.

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Despite my good mood, y’all hoes continue to try the fuck out of it.  Let’s take a look.

“Natural Hair for White Girls”

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Where do I even start at this point?  Like don’t you all ever get tired?  This dumb broad didn’t read this and think, “Oh, I might offend everyone with my malformed attempt at satire?”  She didn’t take any time to actually look at what natural hair means to Black women.

But let’s slow down.  The first “joke” is that she is part of the most statistically oppressed group in America. This is a trap.  What you absolutely never want to do is compare your struggle in an effort to out “oppression” anyone.  Especially as a white woman.  Every person has their individual struggles and every group has a goal that they are working towards.  To recklessly make a joke about being an oppressed white woman without context is dangerous and frankly, irresponsible.

Let me pull a direct quote from this thing.

“We can’t simply refuse to shampoo and condition and get that look in the way that women of color can. This is the face and scalp of black privilege, and if we want a more cohesive society, we need to peel that black scalp back and take a look at the systems that oppress us.”

This ashy ho has somehow interpreted natural hair as not washing or maintaining hair.

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Source: RealityTVGifs)

Besides the sheer inanity of this statement, there really is a far worse implication here.  That natural hair as it grows is “dirty” and “unkempt”.  Without knowing it (because obviously she’s too dumb to function as a real member of society), she has insulted all Black women.  With the actual amount of issues black women encounter on a regular basis (included casual insults from other Black people), now is definitely not the time to sound like a slave master arguing the 3/5 rule.

“The two black women I know – Acura and Delicious, coworkers of mine – come into the teachers’ lounge every day with a sense of confidence that I could only hope to one day fake. Where does that proud sista-girl disposition come from? It comes from their exotic manes.”

Acura and Delicious are obviously real coworkers.  She didn’t make these up these “ethnic” names for the sake of insulting stereotypical Black names while also insulting their attitudes.  Why do they get to be proud of who they are?  Why do they get to enjoy their lives?  It can’t be because they worked hard to get their education degrees and obtain employment.  It can’t be because they are happy with who they are.

It must be their “dirty” afros that give the confidence that I so clearly lack because I’m not doing enough in my own life.  They are so exotic and different. I simply can’t accept their choices because it makes them different than me.

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(Source: RealityTVGifs)

 

“But, how can I have it? How can I get that ethnic flavor? How can we, as white women, cast off the shackles of the patriarchy and achieve true beauty and agency through the power of natural hair? How can we join in and have a part of that look – the part that is naturally owed to us as women?”

Because these women, Acura and Delicious, are happy ONLY BECAUSE OF THEIR HAIR, I’ve decided that I deserve that same happiness.

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I don’t just deserve it, I’m OWED it because I’m a woman.  Our struggles are EXACTLY the same and the only fix to this is for me to somehow obtain an afro.

Sorry, I have to cut the sarcasm here again.  Though this is “satire”, she still does not get how much she has just marginalized an entire group of people.  To ignore all of the actual challenges that Black women face in an effort to jokingly wonder how white women will ever catch up is so selfish and ignorant.  It truly blows my mind that the phrase “oppressed white lady hair” is actually something she typed.

For YEARS, Black people (women and men) used dangerous chemicals in order to fit in with white people.  Relaxers, weaves, and hot combs are all products used to straighten out the natural curls and kinks of our hair in order to fit the standard.  Shit, Countess Vaughn got incredibly sick because of a lace-front wig.  Madame C.J. Walker became the first Black female millionaire through hair care products.  Your “white” hair is not oppressed.  It served and continues to serve as the absolute standard of beauty for all people.  This is in fact why the natural hair counter-culture developed. Natural hair helps to empower Black women because they are allowed to believe who they are is enough.  The “instructions” that this asshole gives in order to change their look to an afro makes light of Black history and the continued struggle to assimilate into “American” culture.

The next few paragraphs of this fuckshit go on to “instruct” white women to use a combination of motor oil, Vaseline, gasoline, and bleach to strip all of the nutrients out of their hair. Making their hair so fragile and unhealthy is the key to happiness, Black lady style!

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Like I said earlier, the implication here is that the hair that grows out of Black women’s head is unhealthy, weak, and less than ideal.  Don’t forget that it’s all dirty and unkempt!  Pride comes from being a gross Black lady!

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Now listen, I’m a dude.  I’m not a woman with natural hair, so I don’t claim to be an authority on the topic.  But what I do know from discussions with my friends and family is that the power to choose how you want to look is one of the reasons that these women feel confident in themselves.  Their hair is not exotic.  Their hair is not to be mocked in some dumbass “Thought Catalog” blog because you think that you are so clever.  Making jokes about race, especially in light of the past few years, is not easy and not for the stupid.

What this woman has done in an effort to get a few chuckles is reinforce the notion that Black women are unclean and unnatural.  She has implied that Black women should not have the facility to decide how they want to look based on their own merits.  Every decision made is an attempt to embarrass white women.  There is a conspiracy to use their “gross” hair to take over.

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The fact that the editors at a blog called “Thought Catalog” didn’t see the problem with this piece is scary as well.  This was not funny, not informative, and not an opinion that we needed.  To see people defend it and frame Black people as quick to jump to offense lack basic critical reading skills.  I’ve mentioned to a few people that the worst type of racism (for me) is the complacent type who are resistant to change because it makes them uncomfortable.  They would rather not say anything and comfort themselves with the belief that it is “not me” who is being racist and therefore it’s okay.  It’s dangerous and these are the people who block change silently.  I’ll take the KKK over you any fucking day.

In addition, one of the frequent complaints that I’ve heard about feminism is their refusal to acknowledge the difference in the struggle of the minority woman.  The complete disregard of intersectionality has weakened the movement and creates more problems than the group seems to be able to solve.  To me, this article demonstrates the clear amount of disrespect that black feminists complain about.  I’m not even a woman and I’m livid.

What are your thoughts?  Do you think I’m overreacting?  (I’m not.)  Do you think that the post should be removed?  (It should.) Let me know in the comments.  Seriously, I would love to you all weigh in on the issue.

 

RuPaul’s Drag Race S6, Ep7

Hey loves!  This was a huge week to recap so I’m going to break them into the two episodes.  Right?  Right.

We’re back in the workroom after Milk’s elimination.  Trinity seems to think that someone cares that she isn’t used to the challenges.  No one does, boo.  Adore is congratulated for her win and Joslyn is congratulated for cracking the top three.

Ben makes a joke about not being in the top so he could sit down which cuts to Darienne being jealous.  Courtney complains about the resting on pretty critique.  Bianca comes in like the boss she is to say that Trinity’s “speeches” aren’t going to get her the win.

We get back and it’s time for Shemail!  References to makeup abound as Ru comes in to announce a fruit/hand modeling challenge.  Well…okay Ru.

Bianca looks so ridiculous and I love her.  Laganja manages to win, for no reason at all.

The main challenge!  RuPaul is launching her own makeup line and the challenge will be a 30-second commercial targeting different segments of women.  Because Ru is messy, she’s assigning the teams.

Adore & Laganja – Mean Girl, spoiled teenagers

Joslyn & Courtney – Hot Mamas

Bianca & Trinity – Working Girls

Darienne & Dela – Cougar Demo

Bianca is all “THANKS RU! YOU SHADY BITCH!” because like me, she is sick of Trinity.  Ru doesn’t even try to hide the machinations like she did in Season 4 with the lie detector test.  This challenge is about the drama!

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The ladies are preparing and Laganja thinks that they have  an advantage but is worried that “she won’t be the star!”  No girl.  Adore wins the confessional, saying “I was raised right, so all I can do is nervous laugh!”  Adore is a funny bitch.  Joslyn is so starstruck and Courtney is serving up all of the shade.

RuPaul comes back to check in on the girls.  Darienne can’t seem to contain her shade and jealousy.  Dela is trying to keep it together, but Darienne can’t seem to act right.  You are too old to act like that.

Bianca and Trinity are next.  Bianca is prepared because she’s amazing and Trinity continues to be soaked in flop sweat.  Ru calls her on it, but Trinity is a snippy bitch.

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Ru sincerely tries to motivate Trinity with Bianca’s support.  I would have told her to go home then with your “trying” ass.  But that’s why I don’t have a reality show.

We cut to taping where Michelle Visage and RuPaul are on set to help.  Laganja and Adore are up first. Michelle is so over Laganja, it’s not even funny.  The two can’t get the timing right on their twirls, which is funny.  Joslyn and Courtney are next and while their concept is okay, the jokes don’t land like they should.  They both look pretty but this is an area where both of these two are funny-ish.  Courtney is much funnier when she sarcastically says that they nailed it on the first take.  Good use of the Pit Crew though.

Dela & Darienne are on the set.  The concept is definitely there but it seems like Michelle isn’t feeling their style.  Trinity and Bianca are on the set. Trinity’s look as always is on point.  Bianca is being all of supportive.  Trinity BRINGS it!  But we don’t have time to coddle her.

The runway theme is black and white as we find out.  And of course, Courtney continues to keep up the shade.  Joslyn seems to realize that Courtney doesn’t respect her and I’m so sad for her.  Who is mean to Joslyn?!?! So rude.  Darienne is still serving up all of the shade.  Ma’am, you can not still be mad.  Bianca and Trinity continue to talk through their issues.  Bianca better get that positive edit.  After this Bianca: “Now don’t call me collect if you go to jail.”   I just love her.

Ru looks INCREDIBLE.  I love this look.  So stunning.  Michelle has her hair down and looks so much better.  Santino looks like Santino.  The guest judges are Roxxxy Andrews Lainie Kazan and Leah Remini!  So fun.

Time for the runway!

Laganja..looks terrible.  Like that makeup is so wack.  Her hairline and wig are wack.  She looks ridiculous.

Adore looks okay.  Her walk is still bad but the short skirt and wig work okay.  Her headpiece is blocking her face though.

Bianca del Rio is serving Manila Luzon and I am LIVING! She can do no wrong for me.

Trinity better WERQ!  Listen.  This is how it works.

Ben DelaCreme looks spectacular.  I love it.

Darienne is giving us Dynasty realness and it’s the best she’s looked.

Courtney looks incredible.  I love the head piece and sparkle.  This is what the judges meant when they asked for more than pretty.  Living for it.

Joslyn looks much better!  It’s still naked, but there’s much more style to it.

We review the commercials. Bianca & Trinity do well. It’s not funny exactly but it is really polished and they sold it. Leah and Michelle get into it and I’m laughing.  Laganja & Adore…umm.  The last line is funny, but the commercial is bland.  Laganja’s delivery is pretty awful.  Laganja is read for the look which thank God.  Michelle praises Adore for looking better on the runway. Dela & Darienne are okay.  I actually thought it was a little funny.  Not great, but not terrible.  Michelle is all , “Who are you, Dela?”  Whatever, Michelle.  Leave Dela alone. Joslyn & Courtney are meh… The delivery is on but the jokes really don’t land at all.

Santino likes Adore & Laganja’s commercial the best. Lainie really likes Bianca & Trinity on the runway.  Dela & Darienne are read for their faces in the ad.  Santino thinks Courtney looked bad in the ad (which, no).  Leah defends them but there is no defense for Joslyn’s skimpy runway ensemble.  I LOVE how into Leah is.

Back on the runway, Adore & Laganja win the challenge?

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I mean, I guess.  It was between those two and Bianca & Trinity, but to be honest, none of the ads were great.  I would have given it to the latter just because Trinity stepped it up and their runway looks were baller.  Michelle seems to agree with me and vocalizes it.

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Dela & Darienne fall into the bottom two.  I can’t disagree, but again there really was no difference in the ads.  The pair lip sync to Point of No Return by Expose.

Both girls seem to be nailing a pretty lackluster song while Bianca quips that Darienne had it on cassette when it came out!  She’s so great.  I love Ben’s ability to serve burlesque moves.  Darienne collecting fake tips is brilliant.

Darienne lake is told that she is staying.  Ru fakes an elimination speech but Dela is told that she gets to stay another week!  Thank God!  We can not lose someone so talented this early.

I’m not going to lie, this episode is the first blah one of the season since the two groups combined.  The challenge had all the potential of the perfume commercials from last season, but I think that these ladies just didn’t bring it because of pairings.  Step it up queens!

On Untucked, Ru delivers another zinger.  “Excuse me, queen!  Are those buffet pants?”

All 8 queens retire to the Silver Lounge and Dela is sad because Michelle isn’t seeing the real person underneath.  Courtney & Darienne are serving up shade.  Dela is upset because she feels strongly about her drag which makes total sense.  Bianca continues to be brilliant and says that crying is not the key to vulnerability.

Laganja tries to relate and the entire group of queens roll their eyes.  Trinity smirks and knows what’s going to happen.  Anyways, this makes me smile…

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The topic shifts to Joslyn’s costume as it is so similar to last week.  Laganja and Darienne shade her and I’m so sad.  I love Joslyn and I hate that she’s upset.  Courtney says her drag is not as polished as the competition.

Trinity is messy and cracks Bianca up.  She wants kudos for acting right and stepping up to the challenge.

In the Gold Bar, Alyssa Edwards is here to be amazing!

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You better have your guns loaded.  I just love her.  “Remind yourself, you are sickening and these bitches can’t take you GIRL!  And they are jealous of your boogie!”

Alyssa actually gives some good advice and the other queens are judging the fuck out Laganja.   These shady faces are killing me!  Adore is amazing in this moment when Laganja’s nails get tangled.

When the group splits up, Joslyn shares how hurt she is by Courtney’s comments and rudity.  Joslyn calls Courtney out on her complacency.  Trinity preaches that good word and really motivates all of the queens in the room.  Aww, Trinity.  With this dash of confidence, she is much more tolerable.

The Gold Bar queens read Laganja’s voice and how she’s not acting like herself.  Adore is all, “This is not Barney & Friends!” We get all of Laganja’s history and Bianca calls her ALL THE WAY OUT. Bianca reads her outfit and her attitude.  Bianca is perfect.  

Normally, I’d tell you that I’d see you next week.  But I’ll be back later with the next episode!

 

Guest Post: The One

Coming to you for the 99 and the 2000, we’re happy to have another Guest Post from Brash.  You may remember her from Trash traveling to The Read Live in New York.  Show her some love! -Team Trash

Hey y’all! This is B to the Rash – capuhtul B means I’m bout dat life. Or…just Brash. Hi. Class and Trash have graciously allowed me to contribute to this hilarious blog. I haven’t really had a strong, formulated opinion about anything lately, but recently I’m beginning to think I’m being trolled by social media.

It seems like everybody is finding ‘the one’ these days. At least according to my Facebook feed filled with incessant engagement announcements, wedding albums, and links to blog posts about married life.  Personally, I do happen to believe there is someone special out there for everyone. And I don’t believe this just because I’m another one of Disney’s Happily Ever After victims. I truly feel that there is someone out there who will tolerate my surliness, my propensity to nap for hours upon end, my extreme reluctance to ever leave my bed, my love affair with anything fried, and perhaps my complete lack of interest in doing anything physical that doesn’t involve a happy ending for me. But enough about my issues that I refuse to take any steps to resolve. How are people knowing if they have found ‘the one’, particularly at the tender age of 20 something?!?

A lot (not all mind you but A LOT) of these couples have dated a couple of years fresh out of college, gotten into the rhythm of having decent sex, pooping in front of each other, sharing an Amazon prime account, etc., then decide they allegedly want to spend the rest of their lives together.

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Full disclosure: I am a single woman with a slight (read: major) aversion to marriage. The thought of being legally bound to someone for the rest of my life sends me into a full blown panic attack. However, I think I’m raising a valid question whether you’re single, in a relationship, or married. How do you know, from just dating this person for 2 or 3 years, and you are only a 25 year old with next to zero life experience, that THIS is the person you want to wake up to everyday for the next 50 or 60 years? I mean. There’s stuff in my freezer that have lasted longer than some of my relationships that I’m still iffy about. And with the casual way that people marry and divorce…

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…I’m just a little hesitant when people feel the need to flood my timeline about every activity that they do with ‘the one’ but can’t define their singular hopes and dreams outside of their relationship. I remember asking a classmate, who had been telling me about this guy she’d been seeing for several months, in a half-serious way if the guy was the one. This girl looked me dead in the eye and breathed out ‘I think so.’

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What is the point to this post, one might ask? Are these just the bitter ramblings of a single woman? Nah. Y’all can keep your love where you have to share things like a bathroom and wake up to morning breath. For now Netflix and Adam & Eve are doing their job quite nicely. My point, however, is with the way that people sashay into our lives on a constant basis for a season or two, shouldn’t we use a little more precaution when bestowing upon someone such a heavy title? Maybe go through a life experience or two before we assign that label? I just think ‘the one’ has been watered down and overused to something unrecognizable. That being said, I’ll let y’all in on a little secret: I’ve already found my ‘the one.’ They’re actually 4 ‘the ones.’ They’re my best friends and my soulmates. And now that I have officially ripped off a Carrie Bradshaw quote and at the risk of rambling like one of those Cosmopolitan magazine articles, I’m out.

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Bad week? Sometimes you have to use your Grandmomma’s remedy.

Listen. This has been a terrible week for me.

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It’s so easy to stay down and trust me i’ve done a lot of laying around being depressed this week/weekend. LUCKILY my Grandma AND Mom (well my whole family)  taught me that when you have no where to turn…there is always Jesus. So i’m staying prayed up today.

I just need to give Tamela Mann the respect she deserves.

My. God.

If she never records another song again…it is okay because “Take Me To The King” ministers to my soul. Every time she sings “Truth is i’m tired”, I have to stop the song and let those words set in.

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Want to see a grown man cry and raise his hand in praise in worship? Just play this song and I will weep like a baby. I’m tearing up as I type this. So here is Tamela Mann. God is working through her. Go buy the song. Don’t illegally download but PURCHASE. WWJD? I’ll tell you what he’d do, buy several copies because the song is just worthy of all the praise.

This specific performance has me running around my apartment. Watch the whole thing.

Hope you all have had a beautiful Sunday! Stay blessed y’all!!!!