iphone

Guest Post: Instagram’s Explore Page

Editorial Note: Welcome Sass back into the fray for another hilarious post about how you’re fucking up on a daily basis. -Team Trash

The Instagram Explore Page…where the shitty taste of my friends gathers and kills my soul.

Earlier this year…or maybe late last year…or maybe earlier last year? Fuck it, I don’t know, sometime before today, Instagram updated their Popular page to become the Explore page. Before, the Popular page was a place where the most liked pictures on Instagram were showcased. There you could see Kim Kardashian’s newest selfie (even though you don’t follow her, but 10 million other people do) or the latest vegetable that Oprah picked from her garden (because, Queen). Even if you don’t follow them, you were able to see what was popular at the time.

And then that changed.

Now, the Explore page displays a mix of pictures popular in your country, pictures your friends have liked and people similar to the people that you follow. It’s more a platform to discover, or explore (see what they did there?) the world outside of themselves and their immediate circle. Sometimes, there are some good finds there; for example, Mankofit with her killer workout tips, DanaChanel and her inspirational messages, and Oprah with her vegetable garden (because, Queen). But other times…Lord Jesus, bless it. The ratchetry of some of my friends is out, about, and pushed to the forefront of my feed.

Here are the top 5 terrible things I can ALWAYS count on seeing on the Explore page:

1.)  Instagram Models and Boutiques – I probably brought this on myself, honestly, because I follow Draya, but there are A LOT of Instagram models and boutiques featured here. There’s a lot of mesh, a ton of weave, breast, butt and lip augmentation and flesh that I don’t need. Usually, these “fashions” can be purchased on the low – bandage, cut out dresses made of mesh can be purchased for $15.99, which includes shipping, handling, tax, service fees, production costs and materials. These “models” have booking information for club appearances and fully styled “I woke up like this” pictures. Yeah, okay.

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2.)  The Half-Naked Boys – Some of these half naked boys are models of either the Instagram or legitimate variety. Others of them are regular people, stunting for their thirsty Instagram followers, whit their pants halfway removed, giving us pubic hair and six-packs, while they brush their teeth with the caption, “Morning.” Boy, stop.I don’t know how these end up on my page, but my eyes are dead set on people I follow (lowers glasses and glares at Trash). Sometimes you get shirtless, sometimes you get pantsless, and sometimes you get an ass clap/twerk video with the caption, “Bored.” I’m never ready for those videos.

(Editor’s Note: I don’t know what Sass is talking about.  I keep it sophisticated and elegant at all times.  Maybe she should check Class)

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3.)  Philosophical Posts from the Ignorant and Highly Uninformed – Everyone is not bright. We know this. The second I find out which of my friends likes posts like the one below, they’re unfollowed. Dead ass. Ebola can be treated and cured, just like you can HIV? Okay, boss. Catch both, and tell me which one clears up first. Honest to God, one of the comments said that they won’t tell you that drinking Lysol cures HIV and they’re keeping that information from us, too. You’re right, medical professionals just won’t tell us that. How rude of them.

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4.)  Memes – The first go ‘round of memes are usually funny. And then they’re not. Let Olivia from The Cosby Show, Kermit and the tea, the “this could be us, but…,” and all the other dead memes go to their much deserved eternal slumber. They don’t need their own accounts and they most certainly don’t need new life every single day. Are some funny? Certainly? Are most? NOPE! Be mindful of your meme usage, ladies and gents. Send Terrio to school, draw on LeBron’s hairline, cure that awkward looking Black girl of her perpetual confusion, and give that struggle ponytail a weave. However, Kim’s cry face and the Martin Baker on the phone memes will never get old to me. Also, any Rihanna face usually makes for a good time. Just be accurate in the captions.

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5.)  Food posts – Honestly, I don’t have an issue with these, I just needed a fifth and Trash didn’t answer his phone when I needed another suggestion (I set myself up with five, I should have gone for three). I even think that CookinForBae is amazing. This bitch be hungry. Keep sharing those, I need them.

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(Editorial Note: Trash can in fact confirm that this did not happen.  However, I did just see a large man in a taupe sleeveless top with a cowl neck on my Explore page, so carry on.)

Let’s Talk: Bad Texters

It’s Monday.  I’m still sick.  So my attitude is a little salty.   So let’s talk about these flops for a second. Now, I pretty much have a close knit group of friends with whom I text and chat on the phone.  I find it easier to limit my irritation.  But after one of those “nights” out, I ended up trading numbers with a bunch of people who I don’t recall meeting and it reminded me that some people are awful at this texting thing.  So let’s lay out some ground rules.

1) No dumb acronyms. 

So I got a text the other day that started with “hru?”  What pray tell is that?

I was able to gather that it means “How are you?” but seriously, how hard is it to just type that out?  You couldn’t spare the additional second it takes to send a proper greeting?  We aren’t using T9 anymore and there isn’t a character limit.  It won’t hurt you.  I promise.

2) Calm down, ho!

If I haven’t responded in 9-10 messages spread over a day or two, there’s a few reasons.

A) I’ve lost my phone.

B) There’s an emergency situation.

C) I’m in a place with no signal.

D) I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

So calm down, have a Kit Kat, and when I respond, we can chat.  If I don’t respond, hit that block button and keep me out of your life.

3) Respond.  

This may seem contrary to point two, but it is not.  If we are having a conversation that entails plans or any serious matter and there’s a period where you might not be able to reply, let somebody know.  If I’m at work and have a meeting, I’ll simply send a quick message as I walk that says, I’ll be back in a bit.  If you feel yourself falling asleep, just say so.  It saves times and is way more considerate.

4) Do not include people who don’t each other in group chats.

I don’t want to get messages about things I don’t care about from people I don’t know.  Unless I was told before hand, don’t just include my number in this.

5) No One Letter Responses

This is literally only okay if I’m picking you up and text you that I am here.  Otherwise, save that lazy shit for someone else.

6) Stop Yelling At Me

Give that exclamation point a rest.  Caps lock too.  So nasty and so rude!

7) Restrain yourself on emojis.

I know that the iPhone has a multitude of fun emojis.  But every sentence doesn’t need a smile.  And please know that the winky face is only for certain occasions.  Otherwise, it’s weird.

8) “What’s Up”

If you text me that and don’t continue the conversation, you’re edging towards getting deleted.  Why text me if you don’t have anything to talk about or can’t carry a conversation.  You initiated, talk to me hussy!

That’s all I have for now, but feel free to add your own rules!