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Let’s Talk

Hey folks, it’s November.  Trash’s favorite month of the year!  But it seems like the past few weeks have been full of things that piss me off.  Let’s discuss.

Social Media Trash
Now one thing you all know is that Tumblr and Instagram are sites where people have absolutely no couth.  There are blogs out there specifically for posting Catfish’ed nudes.  We constantly see “Post Bad Bitches” accounts.  It’s a part of life that is treated with stunning regularity.  What’s worse is that people are now using these platforms to “communicate” with other participants.  Let’s talk about one specific instance I saw this week.

While scrolling through the Tumblr, I saw an ask.  And I quote

“I think that Jordan Calloway is DL.  I dm’ed him a picture of me playing with myself and he didn’t respond.  And I’M A 10!!!! So he has to be gay!”

Now for those of you who don’t know who Jordan Calloway is, he was in that Drumline 2 movie and looks like this:

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So you know, I can understand being a little thirsty.  However, what I do not understand is your snap judgment of his sexuality based on your irrational decision to send someone you don’t know footage of your vagina monologues.

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WHO IS RAISING YOU?

Seriously, I get that there is a feeling of “intimacy” because we can now “interact” with celebrities and even fine ass regular people via these platforms. But what I don’t get is this sense of entitlement that suggests they have to respond to you no matter what you send.  If you think they are attractive, that means they are OBVIOUSLY attracted to you and are willing to spend their time interacting with a nameless, faceless other. This is regardless of sexuality.  They don’t owe you a laundry list of their sexual preferences or histories.   They don’t owe you nude photos.  They don’t owe you anything.

THEY DON’T KNOW YOU!

Someone told that youngest Jenner girl they wanted to eat chocolate pudding out of her behind.  At the age of 16.  You know that you all don’t have to actually say these things to these people.

I’ll fully admit that I stay creeping.  I’m all about that screenshot/right click + save as lifestyle.

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But what I’m not doing is badgering people with my thirst because I was never taught self-control.  Get it together adults.  Make sure these kids know how to act both in real life and on the internet.

Lena Dunham’s “Comedic” Sexual Awakening
I’m going into this having never watched an episode of Girls and only knowing two things about the show.  People either think the show is quirky funny or horribly racist.  And that they used Lady’s “Yankin” on an episode.

yankin bop

I laugh at that .gif constantly.

But anyway, Lena Dunham, the show’s creator and noted hunchback released her book this year with a problematic passage about her sexual “awakening” in the presence of her younger sister.

I’m not here to defend nor condemn this woman (who has proven that she wants to be treated with kid gloves while praised for her edgy and different she is).  I want to talk about over-sharing.  Most of the praise that I’ve read about Lena’s work is that it truly comes from her life and experiences.  The show may be an obnoxious show about privileged white hipsters but that’s her life and experience.  I recall there being a lot of praise for showing her body which isn’t “Hollywood-sized” as well.

The impression that I’ve always gotten is that she thinks that acting like a little girl is cute and has gotten by with this approach.

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Why else wouldn’t she stand up straight?

When I read that passage and the resulting media explosion, my only thought was why put this in the book?  Why do you we need to know this about you? Again, I gather that she thought this would make her look more quirky and different. Oh, look at this weirdly curious 6 year old girl who just wanted to know what her vagina was doing!  Isn’t that adorable?!

See it’s not.  At least, a 28-year old woman tells the story isn’t.  This is the kind of attention seeking story that she thinks will “totally piss off the stuffy old people of today. I’m so edgy.” When in reality, stories of the sexual awakening of a child aren’t something we as a general public need to know. Curiosity about the body isn’t gross, in and of itself, but putting out it as a light-hearted comedic joke was never going to work.

Now her sister has to live the rest of her life with the world knowing her sibling touched her genitalia, whether it was sexual or not.

She had to know that sharing a story about touching her younger sister’s body was going to get her labeled as a child molester, truth or not.  Her “rage” at the controversy is totally unearned.

You want to tell a story about being a weird 7-year old? Talk about actual events.  (I jumped out of the car after we got in an accident and told a police officer to arrest a man for spilling my soda.)  Talk about interaction with your family. (I was given a puppy by my father and proceeded to walk away saying that I asked for a Nintendo.) There are some things that just don’t need to be said because no matter the context, it doesn’t read well.  It speaks to her lack of maturity and refusal to take responsibility for her own actions.

Her editors didn’t think this would be a scandal.  But I guess it got people talking about her book, so there’s that.

(Seriously, she’s 28? Someone get her a multi-vitamin or a spa day. Girl looks rough.)

What are your thoughts?  Are you the one sending nasty pics to Tyga’s DM’s?  How dumb is Lena Dunham? Let me know in the comments.

Guest Post: Instagram’s Explore Page

Editorial Note: Welcome Sass back into the fray for another hilarious post about how you’re fucking up on a daily basis. -Team Trash

The Instagram Explore Page…where the shitty taste of my friends gathers and kills my soul.

Earlier this year…or maybe late last year…or maybe earlier last year? Fuck it, I don’t know, sometime before today, Instagram updated their Popular page to become the Explore page. Before, the Popular page was a place where the most liked pictures on Instagram were showcased. There you could see Kim Kardashian’s newest selfie (even though you don’t follow her, but 10 million other people do) or the latest vegetable that Oprah picked from her garden (because, Queen). Even if you don’t follow them, you were able to see what was popular at the time.

And then that changed.

Now, the Explore page displays a mix of pictures popular in your country, pictures your friends have liked and people similar to the people that you follow. It’s more a platform to discover, or explore (see what they did there?) the world outside of themselves and their immediate circle. Sometimes, there are some good finds there; for example, Mankofit with her killer workout tips, DanaChanel and her inspirational messages, and Oprah with her vegetable garden (because, Queen). But other times…Lord Jesus, bless it. The ratchetry of some of my friends is out, about, and pushed to the forefront of my feed.

Here are the top 5 terrible things I can ALWAYS count on seeing on the Explore page:

1.)  Instagram Models and Boutiques – I probably brought this on myself, honestly, because I follow Draya, but there are A LOT of Instagram models and boutiques featured here. There’s a lot of mesh, a ton of weave, breast, butt and lip augmentation and flesh that I don’t need. Usually, these “fashions” can be purchased on the low – bandage, cut out dresses made of mesh can be purchased for $15.99, which includes shipping, handling, tax, service fees, production costs and materials. These “models” have booking information for club appearances and fully styled “I woke up like this” pictures. Yeah, okay.

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2.)  The Half-Naked Boys – Some of these half naked boys are models of either the Instagram or legitimate variety. Others of them are regular people, stunting for their thirsty Instagram followers, whit their pants halfway removed, giving us pubic hair and six-packs, while they brush their teeth with the caption, “Morning.” Boy, stop.I don’t know how these end up on my page, but my eyes are dead set on people I follow (lowers glasses and glares at Trash). Sometimes you get shirtless, sometimes you get pantsless, and sometimes you get an ass clap/twerk video with the caption, “Bored.” I’m never ready for those videos.

(Editor’s Note: I don’t know what Sass is talking about.  I keep it sophisticated and elegant at all times.  Maybe she should check Class)

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3.)  Philosophical Posts from the Ignorant and Highly Uninformed – Everyone is not bright. We know this. The second I find out which of my friends likes posts like the one below, they’re unfollowed. Dead ass. Ebola can be treated and cured, just like you can HIV? Okay, boss. Catch both, and tell me which one clears up first. Honest to God, one of the comments said that they won’t tell you that drinking Lysol cures HIV and they’re keeping that information from us, too. You’re right, medical professionals just won’t tell us that. How rude of them.

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4.)  Memes – The first go ‘round of memes are usually funny. And then they’re not. Let Olivia from The Cosby Show, Kermit and the tea, the “this could be us, but…,” and all the other dead memes go to their much deserved eternal slumber. They don’t need their own accounts and they most certainly don’t need new life every single day. Are some funny? Certainly? Are most? NOPE! Be mindful of your meme usage, ladies and gents. Send Terrio to school, draw on LeBron’s hairline, cure that awkward looking Black girl of her perpetual confusion, and give that struggle ponytail a weave. However, Kim’s cry face and the Martin Baker on the phone memes will never get old to me. Also, any Rihanna face usually makes for a good time. Just be accurate in the captions.

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5.)  Food posts – Honestly, I don’t have an issue with these, I just needed a fifth and Trash didn’t answer his phone when I needed another suggestion (I set myself up with five, I should have gone for three). I even think that CookinForBae is amazing. This bitch be hungry. Keep sharing those, I need them.

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(Editorial Note: Trash can in fact confirm that this did not happen.  However, I did just see a large man in a taupe sleeveless top with a cowl neck on my Explore page, so carry on.)

Arbitrary Happy Moments

Greetings earthlings.  This is going to be a quick one but since my mood has been pretty blah for the past few weeks, I thought that I would list out a few of the things that have made me smile this week.  Let’s go.

1) Drake Living Out His Pink/Peter Pan Fantasy

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This.  Is. Amazing.

Like I’m imagining Drake flying out over the audience singing like Janet Jackson or Victoria Beckham’s classic “Not Such An Innocent Girl”.

I patiently await the memes Black Twitter.  Let’s get started.

2) This Tweet

which reminded me of this review of the Bratz Movie (which was apparently a thing)

Especially the song and dance at the 8:00 minute mark.

The reference to capris is at the 11:00 minute mark, but just watch the whole review and giggle.

3) Speaking of Horrible Movies!

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4) This Gif & Video

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5) This Vine.

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What things are lifting your spirits these days?  Let me know so I can chuckle too.

My New Favorite Person: O’Shea Da Model

Hey People!

So before we get into the meat and potatoes of this entry, I want to talk a bit about Zendaya in the Aaliyah biopic. Now I don’t mind the casting seeing as how she is a singer and acts these days. My hope is that she gets positive press for it because she came across sweet on Dancing With The Stars and I love her song, Swag It Out.

But that’s enough of that. Time for my new bae, light of my life, and fruit of my loom. O’Shea Da Model.

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Yes! O’Shea believes in you! So this king came into my life via Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. He was introduced when Young Joc tried to steal him from Erica at the bowling alley. He then volunteered to pay only to ask Erica for the money.

What a gentleman!

But then strife! Last night, Erica and Scrappy Doo met and O’Shea felt a way about it. So they fought and he left in a huff. Bye Ashy!!!!

But you see, O’Shea runs out of gas in his 2004 Ford Explorer. And has to call Erica to help. Erica finds him by some train tracks.

They argue about how he NEEDED to know about the meeting. Erica is all, you tried to make this dramatic ass exit and couldn’t do it because your car was E.

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So at this point, Erica has pulled out her card and HE GRABS FOR IT WHILE ARGUING HE DOESNT NEED IT!!!!

I. Die.

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EDIT: I was just reminded that he screamed “I KEIR!!!! I KEIR!!!!” during the argument.  He’s just so sensitive, you know!

Let me tell you that this is my absolute favorite scene from the show. I have not laughed so hard at so much struggle since Karlie Redd hit the Louis, Prada, Gucci on Season 1.

Listen, we all hit hard times. And we all need a little help sometimes. But to get on national television and run out of gas while making your dramatic exit?

Welcome to my heart!!!

Have you all been watching?  What do you think of trashy season?  Let me know!

#StopIt

#dimeline

#badbitch

#RiseAndGrind

#TeamNoSleep

These are just a few of the hashtags I’ve come across that need to be stopped.

Social media is such a powerful tool.  We are allowed to connect, vent, discuss, and communicate in ways that were unheard of 20 years ago.  But some of you need to stop.  Class mentioned it here and Trash wrote a post about acting right on the internet here.

We want you to be great as well.  So use your hashtags judiciously.  Don’t tag a luxury brand when you’re wearing Target.  Use hashtags when you’re tweeting about a television show or awards broadcast.

Hope this helps!

Also, this happened and we let it.  I blame the dimeline.

Seriously, Nick?  What is happening?

Girl…What is This?

So last night, Overactive Blogger shared something with Class and Trash that was so ridiculous that I couldn’t get on the road today without showing it to you.

http://www.tmz.com/2014/03/11/justin-bieber-and-selena-gomez-dance-studio-texas-deposition/

Bieber and Selena Gomez have been talking again despite his legal woes.  Since neither of them is talented enough for them to cover “Nobody’s Supposed To Be Here” like real emotional couples do, the duo decided to express their emotional struggle with an interpretive dance set to Ordinary People.

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Because I love you, I wanted to make sure that you didn’t miss out on this expression of their…emotion?  So I’ve provided a handy play by play for you.

FADE IN TO TEXAS DANCE STUDIO

 

Bieber is “hurt” when Selena pushes him away after the slide and half turn.

Selena “sensually” struts away and touches her hair “sadly.”

Bieber comes to get her and they embrace only to show off their “hip hop swag?”

Bieber has a lot on his mind and then collapses under the “stress and turmoil” this love affair has caused.

He runs to his lady and forces her against the wall!

But she escapes quickly, she can’t give in to this “seduction.”

Some more arm work and hair flip leads to Bieber trapping her against the wall again.

But he picks her up and spins her around!

END SCENE

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Look, these two crazy kids would be in college if they weren’t being fabulously wealthy and putting out horrible music.  And we have ALL made some questionable choices for “love” at that age.

But this was just uncomfortable.  Like hilariously uncomfortable. I’m not sure what they thought was going to happen besides people laughing at it.

My friends, take this as a lesson.  If you put it on the internet, it will always be visible and open for lampooning.  Especially if you are a troubled pop star who the world is eager to see flop.

So would you put this routine through to Vegas?  How excited are you for the return of So You Think You Can Dance?  Does Bieber own any shorts that fit??  Let us know your reaction in the comments below or on Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow.

Unrealistic Expectations

Now far be it from me to tell people to lower the standards of what they are looking for in a mate.  But I just need to have a word with my straight brethren.  It seems that a lot of you ashy, crusty men have a laundry list of demands from the women you can’t attract, can’t date, and can’t keep.  This came up in a conversation between Overactive Blogger, Class, and I last night when a mutual acquaintance tweeted some nonsense about how a woman can’t expect to keep a man when she doesn’t treat him like one.

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See here’s the thing.  There is this prevailing notion among some of you that “females” only exists to cater to your whims.  To keep you house clean, breed a litter of ugly children, and fulfill your sexual desires.  And sure, there are some ladies who will want to do that.  But it should be their choice.  We live in a world where two incomes is almost the minimum to survive.  So your part-time hours at Stop & Shop aren’t going to cut it.  If your wife or girlfriend is busy working and paying the student loans that she took out in order to get a job, then that just MAY cut into the time she has to lotion your toe talons and make a from scratch meal every single night.  If you all have kids, between their activities, working, and household chores, your needs may simply come last.

Whenever I hear something like this, I feel as though it’s just your precious male ego taking a hit but women DO NOT NEED YOU to live a thriving, successful life.  If anything, raggedy ain’t shit Tyrese-lite men like you are making it easier for them to know who to avoid.  The only women who are going to put their own needs behind “her man’s” delusions are either women who choose to do so (as is their right) or women with such low self-esteem that they believe that is the only way to keep a man.

So here’s a few handy tips on not being an asshole.  Because I’m generous like that…

1) STOP REFERRING TO WOMEN AS FEMALES.

Why are we still doing that?  Saying female makes it sound like you’re describing a primate or a specimen.  It’s not attractive and it’s irritating.

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2) You can’t date Instagram models.

Now if you are single, there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to a little eye candy.  And if you happen to meet a girl you like that caters to your eye candy visions, good for you!  But let me let you in on a little secret.  You are at best AVERAGE.  And the thing about these “bad bitch” accounts is that these bad bitches aren’t interested in dating your regular ass.  That’s why Catfish is going into its 3rd season.

Get off the internet scouring for the woman who looks like Cassie, cooks like your grandmother, and f*cks you like Jenna Jamison.

3) It is 2014, not 1920.

Now I’m not a woman and I can’t speak for women.  But I can tell you that in today’s world, equitable relationships are in vogue.  Speaking specifically to African Americans, women are now getting more degrees and higher paying jobs and then having to come home and babysit a man-child who was never taught to take responsibility for his actions.  And they simply don’t have the time for man-boy antics and selfish whims.

4) Your wife/girlfriend is not your mother.

Women aren’t responsible for getting your life together.  It is not her job to upgrade you.  It is not her job to make sure you go to work.  Her job is to support, care, and love you just as you do to her.  If she’s working late, make her a meal.  If both of you are home, why not clean together?  All that I’m trying to say is that you all seem to be looking for someone to fix your life and cover your faults, but Iyanla is booked.  Motivate yourself to take care of her and you’ll be surprised what she’ll be willing to do for you.

5) Use discretion.

Listen, we all want to get some.  It’s human.  I’m going to say this once.

WRAP IT THE FUCK UP!

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There are too many condoms brands for you to blame women for getting pregnant.  There is too much free porn for your to catch chlamydia.  Dating is hard enough without having to deal with you not getting tested, thinking that pulling out prevents pregnancy, and leaving women to be single mothers.  Don’t stick your dick in everything and perhaps it will ease the burden of getting to know the type of women you want to date.

All in all, I simply want my straights to find happy, enduring relationships.  While individual relationships may vary, you all have to stop creating these unrealistic expectations of women while you sit there with ashy elbows and chapped lips.  Take care of yourself, take care of your lady, and you will find a happy medium where you both are happy and you don’t have to get on Twitter talking about how “Women these days don’t scrape the barnacles off the backs of they men like they use to!”

Ladies, how do you deal with raggedy men? Fellas, are you expecting too much? Let us know in the comments or over on the Twitter (@ClassNTrashShow).