Funny

You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride

Hey people!

We’re back!  Both Class and I decided to take the long weekend and just relax a bit.  That doesn’t mean that we’ve forgotten about you.  As a brief update, I went out a bit this weekend, had a cookout at my new place, and ate all my lost weight in food.

cookie

But let’s get back into the dating scene.  I’m currently on the hunt for a boo-thing to spend time with.  I’m not even ashamed to admit that.  I was inspired to sit down and really come up with a list of qualities that I’m looking for.  I thought that I’d share them with you as a means of thinking my way through this process.  So let’s break this down:

Required

1) Nice Teeth

bh1

So seriously, you have to have your teeth in check.  A nice smile is so warm and inviting.  It just makes me want to talk to you and work hard to make someone smile.  Also, the attention to detail paid to teeth is a sign that you pay attention to the things that matter.  At least to me.

2) Positive Attitude

focus

So, I love sarcasm. I love being lazy.  But the truth of the matter is that whenever I do find someone, I really want someone who is willing to help me be better.  Like tell me to go to the gym or go work out with me.  Someone to tell me to study and get up from watching my 20th episode of Fairly Oddparents in a row.  It’s not that I won’t do it by myself, but it’s always nice to feel like you have someone’s support.  Especially as I continue to try and improve myself.

3) Rhythm

dance

I don’t think it’s a secret that I love to dance like Nathaniel. And I need my boo to keep up.  I also love a random dance party which involves me putting on a playlist and getting Janet Jackson around my house.  I need you to join me without even blinking.

4) Intelligence

smart

I’m not saying that you have to be a rocket scientist, but I do want to discuss real issues occasionally.  I want to feel like I can learn something from you and that you can do the same.  Silliness is way more fun when you know there’s some brain power behind it.

5) Sense of Humor

hilarious

I need to laugh, boo!  I want to go joke for joke.  I want to be in stitches when you tell me stories.  Please don’t take yourself so seriously.

This is a non-negotiable.  But honestly, if you can’t laugh together what kind of relationship do you have?

Would Likes

1) My Height or Taller

heights

I’m not a tall man.  I’m average height.  What’s wrong with being close to my height?  This used to be a hard and fast rule for me, but I’m working on being less superficial and therefore, have softened my stance.  It’s still a preference though.

2) Facial Hair

ambrose

Tee Hee, his name is Ambrose Burnside.  Who doesn’t love historical humor??

But seriously, I like a little bit of hair on a dude.  It’s not necessary, but it seriously improves some people’s looks.

3) Independent

independent

Let me be clear.  This is still a requirement, but I’ve moved it down to this section because I’ve loosened a bit on what independent means.  Independent means self-sufficient with a plan for the future.  I want you to have a car and a home, but I understand staying with a relative to save up money for a specific reason.  I understand cost cutting, especially while working on second degrees.

Essentially, I want an adult who is making reasonable adult decisions in order to live a better life.  I don’t have time to be childish.

So I think that this is my list.  I’m sure there are other traits that will come to light later.  What about you all?  What are the non-negotiables for you? What can you live without even if you prefer it.

Keep it Simple Sundays

Soooo Sundays boil down to the three C’s for me.

Church

Cleaning

Cocktails

SO today, I’m keeping it quick and simple. Despite the fact that it is 70 degrees in North Carolina, rumors of another wave of wintery mess is on the way. I’M OVER IT! Regardless, the winter months are winding down.  What does that mean?

People are going to start running around pale and shirtless with crusty toenails hanging out. I’m never going to come for  bodies because that is just rude and unnecessary. As long as you are confident, you better work bitch! But the toenails thing….PLEASE run to the nearest salon and have them take care of them TOES! MEN AS WELL! You are NOT exempt (Gay or Straight…Don’t NOBODY want to see or feel crusty, moldy, nasty feet. Please go to Walmart and grab you a pumice stone, moisturizer,  and handle your business on the regular.) I get the appeal and freedom of flip flops and sandals, but PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR FEET. There is nothing worse than eating on the patio of restaurant, looking down on at the floor and seeing a green toenail monster looking at you surround in a seas of dead dry skin.

Just trying to help Y’ALL out with the approaching spring and summer season!

Stay classy and love ya for reading!

Bloop

New Feature: Trashy Thursdays

::slowly opens the bedroom door::

PICK UP THE PHOOOOOONE!

Welcome dear readers.  It’s time to introduce a new fun feature, Trashy Thursdays.  This is when #TeamTrash will walk through the minefield that is his YouTube favorites list and bring you some of the best trashy videos.  Today we’re focusing on some of my favorite commercials.

Above, you saw the elegant and sophisticated ladies from the 90’s sex lines.  As a young and slightly less trashy child, I remember this commercial vividly from watching “Strip Poker” on USA.

Yes, it was a real game show.  And yes, it was just as ridiculous as you imagine.

But back to the ladies.  Why is there a chain link fence inside? Where do I get that jewel-tone jumpsuit?  Most importantly, how much did they get paid for this?  I mean, I can strut seductively and sing off-key.

1-800-411-PAIN

A radio commercial from the Atlanta area, 1-800-411-Pain is after my heart and my pennies.  One of the key qualifications for being a friend of #TeamTrash is knowing the entire first verse of Khia’s “My Neck, My Back.”  (Be sure to let me know this at @ClassNTrashShow on Twitter.  I will always follow a fellow Khia stan!)

The enterprising lawyers from this firm knew that there were people like me who live for these moments and brought us a “marketing campaign” specifically built around it.

Sidenote: Maybe don’t sing this around your parents.  Or anyone who could fire you.

Just the idea that someone spent a portion of their marketing budget on this.

Marketing Assistant:I need a catchy jingle to bring in the customers but sampling Journey or the Monkees is too expensive!

Marketing Executive:We can’t even afford J-Kwon or Chamillionaire.  And people won’t remember Tony Yayo’s song which was free.

Marketing Assistant:What about Alicia Keys?  Her voice sounds like a car accident these days!

Marketing Executive:Nope, going with Khia.

Now we have this commercial to enjoy forever.  And we are all better for it.

The Amazing Swedish Diet

Looking to lose weight?  We at Class & Trash have the perfect product for you!  These three divas, their wigs, and bargain basement video editing techniques can only be promoting a high quality product.

While you’re opening a new tab to CVS to get your annual supply, do not miss these quality moments in the commercial.

1) The lean and point at :01
2) The booty shake and turn at :03
3) The slow and dramatic body rolls at :10
4) When they travel at :13
5) The hair flip at :17
6) The fierce snap at :18
7) The shoulder pops into a pelvic roll at :24
8) The “rap” at :29
9) Whatever is happening at :40
10) The smiling booty shawts at :41
11) The stiff butterfly at :50

Come back! Save some Amazing Swedish Diet for me!

Burger King “Crispy Chicken Wraps” featuring Mary J. Blige

Nothing I could say could be as funny as this.  Enjoy!