Fun

The Legend of Ratchetbelle

Shakespeare  once said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Aretha Franklin once said, “A rose is still a rose…Baby Girl, you’re still a flower.”

I bring you these wise words, not only to demonstrate how overused roses and floral imagery are in literary and artistic works, but to set  myself up for the story of how I love my friends, Class and Trash.

Sass here, reporting  for duty.

A little over a week ago, I returned from a much needed trip to see my boys. My favorite duo, Class and Trash. Well, really I went to see Trash, but Class can’t turn down a good time, and just happened to be in the area at the same time, accompanied by my newest boo thang Dash. We spent an entire weekend laughing, laughing until we cried, eating, cackling, guffawing and just fellowshipping in a way that most people will never experience in a lifetime. At a stressful and transitional time in all of our lives, I have to admit that this was well needed and much deserved.

The weekend began when I was picked up by a car of black men, one wearing a du-rag, as if I were some kind of Instagram honey, getting flown out to be tip drilled by the squad. You don’t know me well, but I don’t do those things anymore. This was hours after my plane was originally scheduled to arrive, so I arrived under the guise of night, with plans to turn alllllllllll the way up firmly implanted in my brain. Just as an FYI, we went to Trash’s beautiful apartment where an unfortunate bottle of Fireball dared to challenge us. Don’t worry – we handled that within a number of minutes.

We went to a bar, which didn’t give two shits or a damn about my vagina, if you catch my drift. The bartender there, though, God bless him. I’m positive that he hasn’t yet met a liver that he hasn’t destroyed, with his $3 drinks that were composed of 95% alcohol with a splash of mixer. This is not an exaggeration.  I have a healthy appetite for alcohol, and even I had to ask the bartender for an extra cup of the mixer so that my liver wouldn’t commit suicide on the first night. If there’s one thing that I know, it’s that a weekend with Class and Trash will have your liver praying to King Jesus to bring it home. I needed to pace myself so as to not lose on night one. No one likes that person.

I took my first praise break of the weekend during a 1:30 trip to Zaxby’s. If you’ve never been to Zaxby’s, you have 99 problems, and that is most definitely one.

On Saturday, we prospered and flourished, while sitting on the couch watching Orange is the New Black until about 5 PM. I mean, Class went for a run, because he’s the only one who is apparently serious about his position during the upcoming cuffing season. The rest of us got Chik-Fil-A. Agree or disagree with their policies, but that chicken is scrumptious. “When Jesus says ‘YES,’ nobody can say ‘NO'”

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That night, two groups went out. Me and my new lifelong best friend Asian Sensation went to a club where Trey Songz was “performing,” while Class, Trash and Dash went to another bar. I’m not one to gossip, so you didn’t hear this from me, but only four people went back to Trash’s house that evening *sips tea and lowers spectacles.*

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Since there were only a few of us going back to the apartment, we got CookOut and I had my second praise break of the weekend. Again, if you’ve never had CookOut, please call a friend because you’re not living right.

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So remember how I said only four people returned to Trash’s casa on Saturday night? Let me tell you how said person sauntered into the house on Sunday morning just as chipper as can be. The rest of us didn’t let said person CUM into the house without us all coming for their NECK. We made sure to GET IN THAT ASS with all the jokes that a good HAND JOB could muster (okay, that one was a stretch, but I heard said person needed to stretch after their night out, too). There’s nothing to do after an amazingly fun night out besides go to brunch. And continue to drink. Excessively. For hours. It would have been rude not to. We spent the rest of the day clowning at the pool, because drunk swimming is awesome. Another friend, ATRIPP, took us out around her hood, and we had a blast at a private party, like Trash didn’t need to be at work bright and early at 8 AM.

Now let’s come back full circle, friends. Remember how I gave you those inspiring and riveting quotes about roses at the beginning? And the title is, “The Legend of Ratchetbelle?” Let’s go back there, shall we?

I live across the country from ALL of my friends. Where I live, I have friends, but it is the East Coast that knows me, loves me and allows me to be unapologetically me. When I come back to this side of the world, my friends show up, show out and get down. Which has somehow earned me a nickname…they call me Ratchetbelle. Similar to Tinkerbelle, I fly in, sprinkle you with Ratchet Dust and everyone seems to fly high and leave their manners, good sense and panties at home.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the victim of a slander campaign. Don’t let Class, Trash, Dash, Asian Sensation or ATRIPP fool you into thinking that any of the good times mentioned this weekend are because of me. Whether you call me a rose, Sass or Ratchetbelle, I can’t take credit for the gut busting that laughter caused this weekend. These good times are because of US. A group of friends who wholeheartedly love each other, and enjoy the good things that each person bring to our lives. I could have visited these people in South Africa during Apartheid, and we probably would have made each other laugh, love and live as freely as we did.

The value of a genuine friend is something that everyone should know. I am honored to have spent my time with these people, and I truly cannot wait until all of our paths cross again. With or without my Ratchet Dust.

So to Class, Trash, Dash, Asian Sensation, ATRIPP and everyone else I saw that didn’t get a shout out because this entry is too long already: Thank you for being a friend. Traveled round the world and back again. Your heart is true; you’re a pal and a confidant. *DUN DUN DUNNNNN* And if you threw a party…invited everyone you knew….you would see the biggest gift would be from me, and the card attached would say (all together now) THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND.

xxoo, Sass.

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Fridays Are BETTER With Serena Williams

I’m having a pretty horrific Friday. This is literally what I want to do to everyone.

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How did I make myself smile?

Serena. Williams. Dancing.

It doesn’t get ANY better than this! Not only is she best Tennis player in the world but she is the best dancer! So please go home, practice, and take these moves to your nearest club this weekend.

But i’m in my office dying of laughter even tho I want to punch everyone in the face.

Here’s hoping you all are having a better day.

fun

Trash Travels: My Week in Atlanta

As you all know, I’ve spent the past few weeks packing and preparing for my move to Atlanta.  I’ve since arrived but I thought that I would share some of the adventures I’ve had in my first full week below the Mason-Dixon Line.

I arrived in Atlanta Sunday night and settled in.  Unfortunately, I woke up Monday Morning to my care being towed away.

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But you know, it’s the third time my car has been towed in a month.  So whatever, I just have to pull it together.  I call the central police station in Bankhead and ask what I need to bring to get the release form for my vehicle.  They say that I simply need my license.  I ask, “Are you sure?” since my temporary roommate was using her lunch break to help me.  She confirms that I just need my license.

After a 30-minute drive, we arrive and I got through the metal detector and get in line.  The lady behind me exclaims, “I JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL! WHERE’S MY CAR?!?!?”

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Seriously, wtf?  Anyway, I get called to the front only to be told that my registration is required.  I ask why I wasn’t told this when I called to the agent making this face:

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So, we drive to the tow lot since, like a normal person, it was in the car.  I’m in the process of grabbing the registration when I lock my keys in the car.

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I ask the tow lot to call a drive to unlock my car while I get it released.

Back in Bankhead, the line is now 10 people and the computer system decides to crash while I’m getting my release printed.  I can’t.  Luckily, the agent was much nicer to me this time and did a print screen so that I could at least get my car released.  Now add in some rain.

We drive back to the tow lot where a driver has not arrived.  I send my roommate back to work since it should be settled soon.  After another 20 minute wait, I get the car unlocked and drive away in order to make the apartment visit that I had scheduled.  My phone is at 3%.

A few wrong turns later, I make it and really like the place.  Despite my dead phone, I decided to keep viewing apartments.  Things were going well until I ended up in Buckhead instead of the condo.  Oops!

To think, this was only my first full day here.

As the week progresses, I’m still attempting to complete my background screening for my new job and follow my shipment which has all of my items.

The background screen wraps up after a few more calls and faxes but my U-Box is still missing in action even as I write this post.  Literally, I’ve spent about 2 hours on the phone with various workers and offices in an attempt to track this thing down.  SO OVER IT!  Let’s hope that I receive my belongings this week or there will be hell to pay.

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On a lighter note, I’ve had a great time testing some of the best restaurants and reconnecting with friends that I used to see once a year.  We’ve gone out a few times which has been great stress relief after the craziness of the past few weeks.

Friday night, we went to Frank Ski’s for a free “Young Professionals” night.  Needless to say, the crowd wasn’t exactly young and they were professional something.  It was super crowded which made a bit uncomfortable (I hate large crowds), but the DJ was fantastic.  We were also treated to a show from what appeared to be the Junior Varsity Twerk Team.

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These young ladies has taken off their pants and their shoes.  The dance battle was hilarious and ridiculous.  

The next night we went to Houston’s for dinner with a reservation.  I mention this only because we had to wait 45 minutes after making a reservation.  Granted, this was better than the 100 minute wait for those who didn’t call ahead, but still that defeats the entire purpose.  That said, the food was delicious and the 5-Nut Brownie gave me life. We went out to Vanquish only to discover many, many, many Asians.  My temporary roommate is Taiwanese so obviously she was having none of this.  Your best memory involves a 4’7″ Indian man with gross, small hands. Needless to say, he was delightful and I laughed so hard.

And I’m feeling much more comfortable with the area and how my life will be here.  I’ve also found what I think is the perfect apartment for me.  It’s only 2 miles from my office and right on budget.

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I’m looking forward to work on Monday and I really think that things are looking up.  I really am trying to make this move a fresh start and I look forward to finding my happy, to quote NeNe.

Tell me about your week or a time you had a lot going on.  I’ll keep you posted on my adjustment to the area.  Hit us up in the comments section.  Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

Bracket Madness!

Greetings from the ATL!

I’ve made it down to the South after a crazy and hilarious road trip.  But that’s enough about that.  Let’s talk brackets!

It’s March so we’re gearing up for my two favorite things about the spring.  March Madness & Fug Madness!

March Madness

Now being from North Carolina, college basketball is something of a way of life.  Very few people grow up in the state without strong feelings for one of the Big 4. (Obviously Duke is the best).  So the NCAA tournament is great fun for all.

And I’m sure that you’ve heard about the Billion Dollar Bracket.  Now the Negative Nellies and the Bitter Betties are pointing at the odds and pointing out that you have to share.  Meanwhile, I’m planning out how to spend my billion dollars.

 

 

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While I’m a Duke fan, Wisconsin is my pick for the win.  A billion dollars is on the line.  Hometown pride be damned!

If you want to join in the action, click right here and join in!

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Kidding.  Here’s the actual link.

Fug Madness

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Yes! So The Fug Girls are amazing bloggers/authors who talk celebrities who can’t dress themselves, terrible movies, magazine covers,and runway shows.  Their wit and sense of humor is always fun and I’ve been reading them since the days of the Peldons, Bai Ling, and Phoebe Price.  Follow them on Twitter here.  Also check out their books Spoiled and Messy which are both great reads.

But the best part of the year is their March Madness style tournament that decides the worst dressed celebrity of each year.  You’d be shocked how fun it is to vote and root for your “favorites”.  You vote based on the terrible ensembles and the comments section leads to a lot of back and forth.  Does Nicki Minaj dressing like a Fruit Loop count for more than Gwyneth Paltrow looking smug on the red carpet?  It’s your job to decide.  Fill out your bracket and prepare to lose to me! Miley is the heavy favorite to take it this year.

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Are you all looking forward to the tournaments?  Have any fun ideas of your own?  Let us know in the comments section and I look forward to spending my money.

Pour it up, Pour it up!!!!

HAPPY FRIDAY Y’ALL!!!!! ::shimmies::

Well for today’s post I decided to share my love for Miss Rihanna Fenty. As a PROUD and very vocal member of the BeyHive, a post praising Rihanna may seem a bit off. Fun fact Friday: I own three Rihanna albums. SO for your Friday post I decided to present to you the top 10 reasons why we should all appreciate the woman known as Rihanna.

1) Let’s be honest. Despite how I feel about her being called an icon (rolls eyes), Rihanna is a stunning Barbadian beauty. There is nothing about her that isn’t pretty. Congrats Rihanna you win all of the beauty prizes. Pretty hurts, right?

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2) Birthday. Cake. THIS SONG SLAYS. That beat hits and all parts of my body go round and round, up and down. Jiggle. Shimmy. Let’s be clear; the version with Chris Brown needs to go die somewhere. I only support the version with JUST Rih. STOP GIVING CHRIS BROWN MONEY. Thanks.

3) Trying to get your workout on? I DARE you to turn on “Where Have You Been” and tell me you don’t run a little faster. Don’t believe me? Try for yourself.

4) Perfect party music. There is no denying it, Rihanna is internationally known to rock a microphone. We all know her and know her songs. Turn on her music everywhere and everyone will be united in body rolling, raising their dranks (yes I meant to type dranks), and getting all of the LIFE to some Rihanna. If you don’t think this is true you haven’t seen a room full of people RUSH to the floor when Birthday Cake plays or you haven’t seen #TeamTrash show everyone how the Rude Boy Choreography REALLY goes (No Shade).

5) This.(Navy fans don’t get offended we allllll have embarrassing videos out there somewhere.)

6) Rihanna has NO TIME to deal with “da Hataz”.

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7) Rihanna also taught us how to deal with all those pesky pregnancy rumors (I hate when that happens.)

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8) She taught us how to get our live bands in CHECK when they mess up.

9) Has your man or woman been acting right all week? Try out these sexy lap dance moves tonight. #AlwaysClassy

10) OH my bad; has he been acting wrong? Oh girl, NO!!!! TIME TO BREAK SOME DISHES! (But this really is one of my favorite Rihanna Songs.)

What are some of you’re favorite Rihanna moments? Hope y’all have a beautiful Friday and enjoy the weekend. Don’t forget to follow us here and then head on over to the Twitter and hit that little follow button @ClassNTrashShow. Stay Classy!