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Faux Confidence, Sealing the Deal & My Self Image

Hey folks! I hope that you had a stellar weekend.  I definitely did and I’m excited to keep it going a little bit despite my current desire to crawl in my bed.

With all of the great times and friendship, I’m reminded of some of the specific points I made in this post where I stated that I just don’t have much of a personality.  Which is weird to say, but let me try and explain.

For the most part, I think I’m cute with a few pounds to lose, decently charismatic, and fun.  Occasionally, I get off a great joke and in the right circumstances I’m completely capable of owning a room.  I love to talk about television and music, especially the storytelling aspect for television and very specific takeaways from the songs that I’ve heard.  I have a need to relate to people even in cases where my experience is not-related but I’ve convinced myself that this is the way to a human connection.  I crave validation and shine when I hear compliments from someone objective.  And lastly, I do try to humble by downplaying any perceived success on my part while showing that I’m completely capable of holding my own.

Despite that entire paragraph, I’m not sure how it all fits together.  Based on my experience last night, I feel like I came across fun and exciting only to settle into a conversation and instantly feel like I wasn’t equipped to set up the end game.  Even with the obvious easy marks, I felt like I was fighting to find flirty things to say.  I defaulted to weak ass small talk because I truly don’t know what to say.  At least not in a way that would generate real results outside of a phone number exchange.

That 0 or 100% quark is back.  I’m either sounding like a candidate for a job who is trying to impress people or a slutbucket.  And since I don’t want to be perceived as super thirsty (despite evidence to the contrary) or super easy, I tend to ask the same dumb questions because that’s what I practiced in the shower before I got to the cluh.

My trashy Abilene mantra of “You is hot, You is sexy, Guys wanna hit” may get me through the night but it’s not sticking.  Faking it until I make it keeps leading me back to the blog to write this sort of self-involved drivel.  My actual self-image isn’t improving despite me knowing objectively that there are positive things about me.

Like a small example.  I know that my friends had a good time Saturday, but we didn’t do anything.  We just sat around and they joked about it.  I can take the joke, but since I really hate feeling like I’ve disappointed people, I spent a lot of the night upset that I didn’t create a more fun experience for them.  If people act on my recommendation, I feel personally responsible for their good time.  It’s my job to make sure that they are as happy as they could have been given the situation.  That may be coming down too hard on myself (and it really is), but I want everyone to want to visit me and to hang out.  I want people to like my ideas and the thought of doing this again.  Now take this kind of pressure and apply it to situations that lack the same certainty as best friends.

I’m scared to approach guys because I don’t want to rejected.  I don’t want to run up on someone only to feel fat and ugly because I’m not their type.  I’m a little too awkward to use the staredown/eye contact trick to get them to come to me.  And even if a guy does say something, I’m ill-equipped to keep his interest.  I may be over-thinking it and projecting, but this is the real Trash.  I struggle to get out of my own way.

My friend happened to be out last night and yelled at me for doubting myself.  He quickly pointed out that I was the only one that a certain someone approached.  I honestly just felt a friendly vibe but that could have been curving myself.

What is clear is that I still have to adjust my attitude and what I’m doing.  If you don’t like the results, you can’t keep using the same tools.  I now have to equip myself somehow and in a truly, genuine way.  I don’t have any interests that generally click with people. I simply don’t have a lot of normal likes and dislikes.  But I’m going to have to present these in a way that makes people want to engage in said activities with me.  I have to stop treating interactions like interviews.  I have to relax and know that what I’ve got and who I am are going to be enough for the right person.

In other news, Atlanta you have been so sexy this weekend.  Like the city always has some cuties, but I feel like the city has been crawling with potential boo things.

But as far as the meat of this post, I don’t have a real plan yet but I hope that this makes even a little sense.  What’s going on in your world, kind readers?  Hopefully you’re feeling like a million dollars.  Why don’t you leave us a nice comment?

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Let’s Talk: Mimi Faust Does Porn

Happy Monday Readers,

Sorry about the absence. Hope that you all had a super exciting weekend!

So Mimi and her overgrown naked mole rat of a boyfriend have unleashed their “sex tape” porno flick to a flurry of tweets, blog posts, and reactions.

nikko

This is after the super trailer for Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was released.

 <div><a href=”http://www.vh1.com/shows/love_and_hip_hop_atlanta/series.jhtml&#8221; style=”color: #439cd8;” target=”_blank”>Love &amp; Hip Hop Atlanta</a></div>

Now I (Trash) love this show in all of its basic glory. From the moment Joseline sang Bailar and Karlie Redd served us Louis, Prada, Gucci, I was hooked. The show is hilarious and the amount of fuckery this cast exposes is just glorious.

Now Mimi has always come across as a relatively composed, if somewhat weak willed woman. Her stupid relationship with Stevie J and her allowance of the constant disrespect people show her have turned me off. She doesn’t make wise decisions and she puts it all out there on VH1 for the world to see.  This is a woman that let Joseline refer to her as Molly the Maid to her face.

The chase for fame is why we are in this situation now. And that’s what I’m here to talk about today.

Now, I read about this situation on Funky Dineva a few months ago. My first thought was why would a woman with a child willingly participate in a staged “sex tape” with an unsigned “rapper/producer”? The only acceptable reason for me seemed to be that perhaps she couldn’t afford to take care of her daughter.

But here’s the thing, Mimi is still a cast member on a successful and popular reality show. Stevie J, for ALL of his faults, seems to be on the same page with providing monetary support for their daughter. She also has that maid business. Between these ventures, there should be enough coins to reasonably care for her daughter.

That’s what makes this so baffling. This seems like such a poor decision. But it’s one that makes complete sense given her history.

The problem with Mimi, much like many other young parents, is that she has forgotten that her desires and whims should not come before those of her daughter. Her decision to release this tape with a boyfriend while in the public eye simply comes off as a desperate plea for attention and “stardom.”

Let’s be clear, Mimi is not a slut or hoe for having sex on camera. She should not be told she can’t make this decision. There’s a ton of women and men who have done worse for less.

Joseline is judging her like we haven’t seen her with foreign objects in her poonani. K. Michelle is judging her like she doesn’t have grape jelly in her derrière.

That’s not the argument.

That said, we’ve now seen her inner and outer labia and Nikko’s gross face hanging from a shower rod. I’m not a psychic, but I’m 99.99% sure this is not going to make them famous. It’s not going to lead to a record deal. It’s not going to lead to a spin off show. It’s not going to gain any level of fame that she already didn’t have.

But she is going to find that she has lost any sort of moral high ground or position of trust that she had. She is now responsible for explaining this decision and the public’s reaction to this. And had she thought about the repercussions of this for that child, she might have truly thought this through.

What do you all think?  Was Mimi irresponsible or expressing herself as an adult?  Would you do this?  Let us know in the comments below.