bye ashy!

Keep Your Mess To Yourself

what

Woo hey lovelies!  It’s been a while hasn’t it?  Sorry to leave you without a dope beat to step to, but we’re back.  Let’s get this started with a quick word from our sponsors.

Just for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I could tell you stories of this weekend, but they would only bore you.  So I needed to give you all a quick tip in keeping your life in check.

Tighten it the fuck up!

I swear, how are you all living as adults in 2014 without learning how to keep it together.  I’m so sick of hearing back stories about myself from other people.  I’m sick of you all trying to throw the rock and hide your hand.  You’re not swift enough to stop us from figuring out your game, ashy.  Let’s take two quick scenarios.

So you’re not having a great time because you keep “running into” “old flames” who still “want you.”  Cute for you!  Live your best life and fly above ALL the haters.  But if I don’t know them, I really and truly don’t give a fuck.  By sharing all of your trashy past experiences, no matter what the topic of conversation is, you’re always going to look foolish.  Save your bedroom antics for a sleepover or your therapist.  It doesn’t make you look desirable, it makes you look desperate.

Moving on to number two.  Talking recklessly about people you consider your “friends” and casually spilling tea will get your face sliced.  Or at least your ego.  Here’s the thing.  Freudian slips happen.  Sometimes we’re trying to relate and say too much.  But if all I get from you are snide remarks and late shade, why the hell are we hanging out?

You’re mad you weren’t invited?  The exit is that-a-way! My life doesn’t revolve around you and unless you are paying my bills, you can’t direct my time.  Then to reach into my texts?  With unearned indignity?

whit

Keep it.  Write it in your journal and leave me the hell alone.  Better yet, take those weak reads, pack them up, and send them to the illiterate children of the Third world.  That’s the only way anyone will see them and give a shit.

I don’t know, this came across angrier than I intended.  But it really butters my biscuits to hear someone claim to be a good friend when they have offered nothing but trouble or an obnoxious attitude in the process.

How do you feel about it?  Let me know!

 

 

Transformations

Morning party people!  I’m feeling renewed after a long and interesting weekend.  But I’m figured it was time to really get back into this thing.  So let’s talk.

Now you all know that I’ve been working on me in terms of finding my inner skinny, becoming more mental healthy, and looking for a boo thing.  And to be honest, I’ve been relatively successful in my short time in Atlanta.  Next week will mark three months since I’ve moved and I’m down 10 more pounds, I managed to snag a date, and I’m not up at night worrying about tomorrow.  This isn’t meant to brag or boast, as I haven’t quite adjusted to all of these changes.

Today, I actually woke up on my first alarm, got out of bed, and went to the gym.  Me!

Shockandawe

You know how I feel about working out.  I still hate working out, but I know that it’s a necessary evil if I want to lose weight.  That combined more conscious versions of my favorite dishes have really helped. I’ve even found a brand of Greek Yogurt that doesn’t make me want to hurl.

While that doubt creeps in occasionally yelling “You’re fat, ho!” I know that I’m doing the best I can and not to beat myself up if I decide to grab a taco or burger.

I had a draft post discussing the challenge that friend of the blog, Asian Sensation, came up with last month.  Essentially, the goal was to have someone to flirt with by June 15th, otherwise you would have to go on a date with the first person online who messages you.  My matches are and have always been trash (and not in the good way), so it was imperative that this did not happen.

This has led to me going out SOOOOO MUCH.  By myself even.  And I hate doing that almost as much as I hate working out.  But you know, the efforts have paid off.  I’ve met some really nice people who I could see becoming great friends and even perhaps more.  There’s always a messy element when you’re coming into established groups of friends, but I’m navigating it as best I can.

And lastly, let’s get a bit more serious.  Six months ago, I didn’t even like waking up in the morning.  I hate my job, my face, my body, all of that.  I was at a breaking point.  While I can’t say that I’m fully recovered from that depression, I’m really working to make sure that I see the value in my life and making sure that I try my raise my self-confidence.  I’m still going to meet with a counselor soon, but my hope is that the focus will be on my internal distress and not the environmental factors that drove me batty before.

So that’s the skinny on my life.  I’m on Episode 5 of OINTB and I’ll have my notes once I finish the season.  But needless to say, it’s amazing so far.

Let’s chat.  Have you been working to improve your life this year?  How are you progressing?  What’s your motivation?  Let me know!

You Could Have Kept This, Anthony Lewis

Happy Monday!

Have y’all heard this??

noperaja

 

What you’re not going to do is take a classic R&B jam from the 90’s by a talented group of unattractive mens and turn it into…this.

Like you just took the beat from I’m Different even though it’s less than two years old.

Like you added this horrendous rap.  Like the rapper version of Gia Gunn.

boomboom

Like you added those HORRENDOUS vocals.  Those thin nasally notes.

helltotheno

But really, this song makes me irrationally angry.  It’s trading on the nostalgic value of two far superior songs with two barely mediocre talents.  The fact that it is getting any airplay really bothers me.  Anthony does not sound good.  Anthony does not add anything to the song.  He cribs the ad-libs and it sounds like it’s killing him to sing the song.

Billy Bang has less talent that J-Kwon and his rhymes are trash.  TRAAAAAASH-UH.

Ugh…BYE ASHY!

Let’s end with the far superior original.

Do you hear the smooth harmonies?  The pleasing production with the funky drum beat?  Did you do the dance instinctively??

Right.

 

Quickie Post: You Don’t Know

Good Morning All and Happy Friday!

I just had to come to you really quick this morning just to get this out.  I was perusing Twitter this morning and came across a tweet essentially judging people for tweeting about getting drunk or turning up on the weekend.  Essentially bragging that “I don’t have to escape my life because I’m so great and you all are miserable because you’re not on my level.”

GIRL SHUT UP!

I’ve written about people who use social media with a tone of pure condescension.  There really is a way to talk about yourself and your accomplishments without coming across as judgmental.  You don’t have to try and make people feel small in order to build yourself up.

But really, what I wanted to say is that you don’t know what people are going through.  You don’t know why people need to take a break or escape from the current moment.  You don’t realize the things that people don’t put online.  By being dismissive of what people are trying to do with their weekend and their money. you could be making a bad situation worse.

If you don’t have nothing nice to say, just shut the fuck up.

That’s all.

 

Nene-Girl-Bye

 

Vicky_vox_bye_felicia

nene girlbye

ByeAshy

Let’s Talk: Chris Brown

So although it’s Trashy Thursday, I thought today that I’d hold off on the jams and talk about something that’s been bothering me for a bit.

Normally, you’d see a Chris Brown picture here but you know I don’t really want to go through the efforts of uploading any pictures of him.  Understand? I know you do.

Recently, Chris Brown’s jail stay was extended based on a violation of his parole.  All while his song Loyal has cracked the top 10 on Billboard’s charts and his collaboration with Kid Ink is also in the top 40 as well.  Despite the album push backs, none of this has affected his sales and record success.  But to be honest, his success post the incident has always felt a little wrong.  I’m going to try and work out why it bothers me so much.

So let’s flashback to 2009.  Now, I will go on record saying that I remember asking what the hell happened to cause the whole situation.  I remember saying that Chris Brown is terrible and thinking that Rihanna had to have done something for the violence to go that far.  I regret that I may have blamed her or insinuated that she deserved it.

However, my issue with Lispy is not that actual attack even though it was terrible.  It really boils down to the three issues.

1) He Keeps Fucking Up

Now far be it from me to try and psychoanalyze someone far richer and far more famous than me.  But let’s keep it real.  Chris Brown keep getting himself into situations where the police seem to show up.  The DC situation, the window at Good Morning America, the valet situation, and the fight with Drake with the bottles… you know just to name a few.  It might be different if there was only one or two instances, but I didn’t even give you a comprehensive list.

When you’re attempting to change your image and prove that you’re not a bad guy, you would think that you would ALWAYS let your bodyguard handle things.  If you feel yourself getting angry, remove yourself from the situation.  It’s not that he doesn’t have a right to get angry, but part of being a celebrity is working on your image.  His continued fuckery seriously hampers my ability to give him another shot.

Take an example.  I’m a celebrity with about 3 DUIs.  Do I

a) Drive myself everywhere knowing I’m hitting the club? or

b) Hire a personal driver?

I would think the answer is clear.

2) These Songs…

One of the biggest defenses that I’ve seen mounted is that we should ignore his personal life and just focus on the music. So let’s just talk about a few Lispy songs.

(Spotify pays artists the least, so there’s that.)

Loyal has a catchy beat and in the cluh, you probably can catch me doing a cute two-step to it.  But the thing about this song is that it’s a song for men who hate women and want to impress their friends.  He’s insulting the very women who he’s taking home for not being loyal to their regular menfolk because a star is hitting on them.

Like I’m spending my money and time on this lady in the club because I’m interested in her, but she’s not loyal so watch out!

2

And the thing about it is that now you basic ass, trifling ass dudes think that this somehow applies to your life.  That’s what is dangerous about these songs.  There are people who don’t see this song for what it is, think that they can mistreat women because they aren’t “loyal.”  It perpetuates the inherit distrust and hatred of women that allows people to treat them like objects instead of human beings.

Girl, fuck you.  Like fuck you for this song.

Now generally, I think I that offenses committed prior to meeting a person should be out of scope in relationship decisions barring things that break the law or are genuinely gross.  But this song is not an earnest plea in order to save a relationship.  It’s not a genuine display of emotion.

This song is, simply put, a transparent grab at telling people to just forget about all of the things he’s done and continues to do.  Don’t pay attention to my fuck-ass video proclaiming my love for both Rihanna and Karrueche.  Nope, that parking lot scuffle with Frank Ocean does not exist!

imagination

Like I said in the first point, Lispy keeps fucking up.  These aren’t isolated instances.  These aren’t situations where he’s been pushed beyond a reasonable limit.  So yes I’m going to judge you and I’m going to continue to hate this song.

Even beyond the message, the beat is plodding, his vocals are probably the weakest I’ve heard them, and the lyrics are treacly at best.  Bye ashy.

3) He Has Real Issues

Now it’s come out that Chris has bipolar disorder and experienced sex at a super early age (8 years old).  This is actually legitimately sad and underneath all of his bravado and antics, you can tell that there’s something brewing.  No one just ups and gets kicked out of a rehab facility.  These are not things that should be taken lightly.  And I’m more than sure he’s on a hell of a lot of drugs.

However, he is not going to get the treatment he needs nor is he going to take these diagnoses seriously if there is no real punishment or time allowed to reflect on his past and where he wants to go.  Celebrities tend to develop a sense of invincibility because of the constant adulation they receive, but those who crave being an alpha male tend to jump head first into maintaining that feeling.  You combine this with the old school definition of being a “man” and you have someone who is  blind to any criticism, regardless of how well meaning it may be.

By having continued success and greater acclaim during this time of turmoil, it appears that Chris’s ego has only grown and in a negative way.  He’s finding chart success with songs that are good for young people’s psyches.  He’s deflecting all punishment and critique instead of realizing where his actions have landed him.

While I can’t attribute all of his problems to his fame and success, I do think that they are playing a huge role in him growing up and making better choices.  So to me, his success only exacerbates the problems that he faces.

I just miss fresh face Chris who did Doublemint commercials and sang Yo!  I mean everyone has to grow up and we all face things that shape us as adults, but there’s a darkness to him that I always see even when he’s Harlem shaking and booty quaking in his videos.  I’ve joked that he looks like he would eat your baby these days.  But seriously, do a Google search.  Homey looks cracked out.  He has to get the help he needs if he’s going to prosper and be great.

I don’t know, maybe I’m reading too deep into it.  What do you all think?  Are you on Team Breezy and think the media is out to get him?  Or is he an egomaniac with mediocre songs that can’t get his shit together?  Let me know in the comments and we’ll chat about it.

Let’s end the post with one of my favorite Lispy jams.

Random Blurbs

Hey People!  It’s Monday!

crylaugh

Kidding of course…

I don’t quite have enough thoughts for a full post but here’s what’s on my mind as the week starts.

Fighting Shade with Shade

But let’s talk about raggedy people.  You know the ones.  That lie in your face with a shit-eating grin.

This weekend I caught wind of a certain bad-bodied trashbox who couldn’t keep his mouth shut and caused a stir.  Or so he thought.  After discussions with Class, we decided to take Kid Fury‘s advice.

Since someone ran their mouth trying to elevate himself, good luck finding that invitation boo!  A Save The Date ain’t an invitation.  Stay pressed and I hope you didn’t buy that bowtie yet.

The lesson here is that when you can never win when you’re dirty. Act with discretion and consideration and people won’t feel the need to play you.

Solange vs. Jay-Z

I know y’all are buzzing and I’m not here to speculate on the causes and effects of this elevator video.

That said, WHAT JUST HAPPENED???

Like what has got Solange so mad?  Twitter has been ablaze with jokes and commentary.  It’s made the day go by way faster.

But what I do know is that you relationships experts with no man and/or woman can keep your mouths shut on the issue.  We don’t need your input on a soundless video.

goodday

 

 

Instantaneous!

Now I’m not Rihanna fan but this song has always been a bop!  But the best part of the song has always been when Sean Paul randomly yells, “INSTANTANEOUS” in the background. (3:11 in the video below)

So perfect.

So that’s what’s on my mind?  What are you thinking about today??

Guest Post: Random Musings

Welcome back our diva, Sass!  Here to hit you with another guest post.  Let’s get into it!

In a month that has seen so much good for other people (Trash’s new job, Class’ upcoming play, Kim & Kanye getting the Vogue cover, Chris Brown goes to jail…wait, what?), it’s been a pretty bad one for me.

Full disclosure: I work a job I hate. Like, hate. HATE. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

glorage

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful that I have a job, because Sallie Mae doesn’t care either way; those payments are still due. As are rent, utilities, car insurance, and other bills. All due, and they don’t care about anything besides a receiving payment on the correct date. So I’m glad that I can make those payments and be an upstanding member of society, but I wish I was able to do that with a job that didn’t make me physically sick each day. I often come home nauseous with headaches, sleepless nights dreading the next day, etc. It’s a mess.

Over the past nine months or so, I’ve been applying for other jobs to no avail. I end up getting interviews that go nowhere. So what made this month particularly vomit-inducing? Over the past two weeks, I’ve received roughly 15, “Thanks, but no thanks” emails and phone calls in response to my interviews and resume submissions. That much rejection isn’t good for a person! It messes with your mind…just ask Kenya Moore!

The rejection, coupled with the overall disgusting-ness of my job, have put quite a damper on my mood this month. I also don’t have a lot of friends where I live, so I’ve lacked an outlet to blow off steam. It’s a little much right now, and I have to admit that I’m not myself. The feelings of defeat and failure almost choke me every day, leading me to wallow in a pit of despair. Again, I’m not normally like this. I’m the happy, bubbly girl, always up for a good laugh, who is always there to cheer up her friends. Meanwhile, many of my friends don’t care to, or don’t know how to, cheer me up. I haven’t shared my issues with a lot of people, because, like I said, I’m always the happy one. People act like they don’t know how to receive my pain, which causes them to almost dismiss my feelings. And that makes me angry. Very angry.

Here’s the thing: to have a friend, you need to be a friend. If you can come to me, crying about everything from a hang nail to death, then I would like the same. As I’m sitting around crying about feeling defeated, don’t tell me that it’s just because Aunt Flow is approaching and I’ll be fine when my hormones pass. If Aunt Flow was on the way, I would have beat the shit out of someone for saying that, and then peed on them , to literally add insult to injury. Wow, that was aggressive…someone get that girl some medication!

What makes it even worse (in my book anyway), is that it was a woman who said this to me. To belittle a woman’s feelings based on the fact that they’re hormonal is what sexist assholes do to women all the time. I’m not a huge feminist, but I don’t appreciate being belittled or insulted because my genitals resemble a taco more than they do the 14″ long, thick and perfectly shaped Italian sausage that I’m pretty sure I would have if I were a boy

*cue Beyonce. Always cue Beyonce.*

All in all, I’m just writing this just to point out that no matter the reason, gender, race, scale, or nature of your feelings, fears, dreams, aspirations, or doubts they are VALID. They matter. You are entitled to them and they are yours. Never let anyone project to you that anything that you feel is less than important. Don’t drown in your sadness, but don’t let anyone tell you that the reason for your sadness is wrong. Expressing your emotions is always better than internalizing them, so phone a friend. A good one. An understanding one. One that has no problem letting you cry on their left, while pouring shots with their right.

Wait, what?

#StopIt

#dimeline

#badbitch

#RiseAndGrind

#TeamNoSleep

These are just a few of the hashtags I’ve come across that need to be stopped.

Social media is such a powerful tool.  We are allowed to connect, vent, discuss, and communicate in ways that were unheard of 20 years ago.  But some of you need to stop.  Class mentioned it here and Trash wrote a post about acting right on the internet here.

We want you to be great as well.  So use your hashtags judiciously.  Don’t tag a luxury brand when you’re wearing Target.  Use hashtags when you’re tweeting about a television show or awards broadcast.

Hope this helps!

Also, this happened and we let it.  I blame the dimeline.

Seriously, Nick?  What is happening?

I’ve Had It…OFFICIALLY!

Listen.  I’ve had it with selfish people.  I understand that as we age, we tend to become more inwardly focused.  We’re shaping our lives so that we can live them in a manner that we want.

But let’s cut the shit.  I am not about to rearrange my schedule over something minute.  Either you want to hang out or not.  Either you want to celebrate or you don’t.  I don’t care how upset you are, you need to keep your word.

I’ve been guilty many times of simply saying “yes” to things I don’t care about to keep the peace and holding my opinion in order to make sure the people that I’m with have a good time.  It comes from being in a large family with a lot of strong personalities.  I figure as long as I’m with the people I care about, it’s irrelevant what we do.  However, this has led to a lot of one-sided friendships where I’m there for people who do not and will not do the same for me.  And my tolerance is running out rapidly.

If I have something planned, I’m not about to bend it because you don’t want to lose a fucking parking spot.  I’m not about to change my mind because it makes your life slightly more difficult.  No one told you to randomly schedule nonsense when we’ve already decided to do something.  If you decided to stay up until 3 am when we decided to get on the road at 6:30, that’s your own damn fault.

NEWSFLASH: EFFIE, WE ALL GOT PAIN!

I know that I’m digging into this topic, but I really do not have time for people’s nonsense in 2014. You can’t keep treating people your administrative assistants instead of your friends. If you aren’t willing to make sacrifices for the friends who matter, you are going to end up with no friends willing to make you a priority.

It’s tough because I take friendship seriously and I’m not willing to let a friendship go by the wayside easily.

But step your game up. Act right. And get it together. Otherwise, you’re going to be waiting at the bus stop whole the rest of us ride to Daytona Beach.

How do you all feel about selfish friends? Any suggestions for having that tough conversation? Let us know in the comments.

How to Not Be An Asshole at the Airport

Happy  Monday!  I hope that you all are as pumped as I am for this season of Drag Race to start.  Class and Trash will be following the season here cheering on our favorites and shading those who need to sashay away.

sashay3

But I’m flying back home today. We’ve all been there.  You’re trying to get to your gate, check your social media platforms, clear a stage of Candy Crush when some trick slows down your progress and pisses off everyone.

I thought I’d share some tips for all you travelers so that you don’t make everyone (Read: Me) hate you!  I’ve used handy cat gifs because this is the internet.

1) Do: Use your smartphone to check-in, if possible.

Now if you still have your Moto Razr, obviously, you can’t do this.  But seriously, do this even if you don’t fly often.  Download your airlines’ App and check in.  This saves you a step when you arrive at the airport, keeps you out of the full service line, and makes the process that much faster.  It also allows you to track your flight status, so you’re not berating the agent when your flight is delayed.

catphone

2) Do: Weigh your checked bag before leaving home.

Yes, your personal scale will work here.  DO NOT YELL AT THE AGENT IF YOUR BAG IS OVERWEIGHT.  It is not their fault, you tried to check a set of dumbbells.  It’s your bag and it is your responsibility to ensure that you fall within the restrictions.

Yes, 51 pounds is greater than 50 and now I have to wait longer to sit down because you have to remove something from your bag in a huff.

Ay67NOo

3) Do: Pack your watch, belt, and jewelry in your carry-on.

Listen.  Just save yourself and everyone else the trouble.  When you arrive, place these items in an accessible pocket in your carry on bag.  This gets you through security faster and reduces the amount of bins you have to wait on at the end of the security checkpoint.

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4) Do: Place your wallet & boarding pass into your carry-on after checking with TSA.

You won’t need them again until you board the plane.

funny-pictures-cat-luggage-xray-mac

5) Do: Move from the end of the X-Ray belt.

It’s easy to think, I can put myself together quickly at the end of the belt.  YOU CAN NOT.  You are slowing down everyone and being selfish.

Use the Golden Rule here.  If you were in a rush to get to your flight, you’d hate it if someone stood in your way while you wanted to get your bag.  So don’t do it.
funny-gifs-Out-of-my-way-Rex

6) Don’t: Travel with your favorite toiletries.

I can not reiterate that all of the rules about what can fly are available way before you watch the TSA agent throw away for $100 condor egg hand cream.  If you are not checking a bag to avoid fees, bring only items that meet the size restrictions or that you would be comfortable throwing away.

post-19224-Fuck-This-Fuck-That-Fuck-Those-jzGw

7) Do: Buy Travel Sized Toiletries when you arrive at your destination.

Don’t pack them for the trip down and save yourself the headache of dealing with the restrictions.  Stop when you land and get what you need.

grocery-cart-cat

8) Don’t: Get in line to board until your area/zone/row is called.

YOU ARE IN THE WAY.  MOVE!

Like they announce this every time.  And here you’re stupid ass is standing at the gate while people sitting in the appropriate rows have to move around you.

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9) Don’t: Lean your seat all the way back.

This is SUCH AN ASSHOLE MOVE.  There is approximately enough room for my big toe in front of my seat and here you are putting your headrest in my chin.  BYE ASHY!

But seriously, if you have to recline, only go halfway back.  It’s super obnoxious either way, but at least maybe I can use my laptop to get some work done this way.

grumpy-cat-gif-attack

10) Don’t: Stand up as soon as the plane lands if you are anywhere after row 2.

SIT YO ASS BACK DOWN!

Seriously, you are in row 32.  You are not getting off the plane before me.  You are not getting off the plane before anyone.

And when you do happen to get ahead a row, now you’re just in the way of the people who were sitting there and are now trying to retrieve their items.

Cat-Slap

11: Do: Pre-board if you are traveling with nuggets.

Listen up and listen good. If you have a child who you wouldn’t leave at home alone, board the plane when they announce preboarding.

I know it says 2 years old or younger.  IGNORE THEM.

Get seated.  Be prepared.  No one will stop you.  It gives you a chance to find your seat and put away the bags.  It gives your child a chance to adjust to their surroundings.  It saves times for the rest of us when we board.

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What are you biggest travel pet peeves?  Am I the only one who is ready to start a new Purge when they are in the airport?  Let us know in the comments or on Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow.