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Celebrity Jury: Nicki Minaj

You even have a day that just feels like a Monday?

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But let’s chat.  As you all may remember, when the blog first started, we would take a look at some celebrities and judge them.  You know like these:

Justin Timberlake
Justin Bieber
Ray J
Bow Wow Shad Moss D-Pimpin

Well since we haven’t had a lady be judged, it’s time to rectify that.  Step on down Nicki!

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Oh…that’s not you. Hi Tré!

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There you are!  Let’s get this show on the road.

Pro: Nicki is a capable rapper.

Let’s flashback to 2009, when Nicki burst on the scene with a bunch of star-making features.  I remember thinking that she was nothing special.  Clever, but not that interesting.  This was the first verse that really made me sit up and take notice from a signed artist standpoint (more on the mixtapes later).

This is FANTASTIC.  Witty, interesting, lyrically sound.  There’s not a forced rhyme in the entire verse.  Effective use of her accents.  There is not a single flaw here.  It’s the best part of the song.

But what it showed me was that I had been too harsh in my initial judgment.  I may not have been a huge fan, but the lady can rap and rap well.

Con: These singles.

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Short Version: I don’t like these songs.

Long Version: These songs aren’t interesting.  Nicki doesn’t have a terrible singing voice, but it’s not one that we need to hear when she’s capable of Monster style verses.  The rapping here defaults to L’il Wayne style broken similes and metaphors that feel lazy to me.  I just don’t get excited about Nicki Minaj music 90% of the time.  I feel like I’m going to get something dull and plodding (Your Love, Pills and Potions) or something zany yet bland (Starships, Super Bass).

Pro: Nicki’s Makeunder

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For the first few years, Nicki ran around looking a clown’s ass and we just let it happen.  Her wigs were always bright and colorful but sat too low on her forehead or were plagued by tragic wig glue.  Her make-up…was frightening.  In the wake of Lady Gaga’s “style,” Nicki’s felt try-hard and uninspiring.  no

Like this?  This is dumb.  This isn’t interesting.  There is no message.  It’s just stupid.

However in 2013, Nicki Minaj started looking like a human and dressing in a more toned-down manner.  I hate to seem like I’m discouraging her creativity, but she looks amazing.

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Like look at this person.  Look at this woman.  How stunning is she?

Not only did it let us see what she looks like, but it had the effect of pressing “Reset” for those of us who were non-fans and others who loved mixtape Nicki.  It’s one of the most effective image makeovers in history.  I’m reminded of Dorothy Dandridge.  Some of you may or may not know, but Dorothy Dandridge had a very sweet and “apple pie” appeal when she first broke in Hollywood with the Nicolas Brothers.

She’s obviously a dynamic performer and talent, but she’s miles away from becoming Carmen Jones.

SO. HOT. RIGHT. NOW.  She’s like sex personified in the role.  It was this role that would infuse her nightclub acts with sensuality and become her lasting image rather than her earlier roles.

It’s my hope that this is the route Nicki is taking.  I’m open to liking her and her music more now because I think she looks amazing.  Had she started out this way, I would think that she had nothing more to offer, but now I feel like she deserves another shot, if that makes sense.

Con: Petty Betty is Petty.

Let’s flashback to the BET Awards.  I said this,

But back to Nicki coming for Iggy’s writing credits and authenticity.  Girl. Good. Bye. I don’t say that because I’m some huge Iggy fan or anything.  But to come for someone who is having career success when you’ve just beaten her for an award is petty.  It doesn’t make you look good.  It doesn’t speak well for your belief in YOUR career.  And to have Nicki Minaj come for anyone on the grounds of authenticity when she has run around for a good 5 years wearing multi-colored quick weaves, speaking in tragic accents, and calling herself a Barbie just reeks of a lack of self-awareness.  Writing all of those lyrics gave us Stupid Hoe and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  So good for you?

And you know, I stand by this.  Most of Nicki’s first two years were plagued with dumb drama with L’il Kim over “not paying enough homage.”  It was petty and stupid then.  And Nicki’s reacting to Iggy’s success now is petty and stupid.  Nicki’s lane is secure and clear, despite any misgivings I may have about her.  Iggy being a part of two great summer songs has nothing to do with her.  She may not be a fan but just relax and know that you are and can do better.  People who are comfortable in their position don’t worry about what others are doing.

Pro: Lookin’ Ass N****

Yes.  Just yes.

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Con: Stupid Hoe

Now, I had to break this out separately.  What. The. Fuck.

Who approved this?

Who thought this would be a hit?

This is awful.

This is Nicki at her most indulgent and terrible.  Anybody who did not see it for her can point to this song & video and prove their point.

Pro: Nicki supports feminism.

Or at the very least, pays lip service to it.  I’m a big supporter of women standing up for themselves and their causes.  And I appreciate that Nicki does the same in her way.  Her response to Loyal at Super Jam was great.

And while I don’t care for the Anaconda cover, I don’t feel like there’s any reason for the uproar.  It’s just her ass cheeks.  This is Nicki Minaj we’re talking about. Her ass is her brand.

Con: Defensive, thy name is Onika.

Back to the point, I was making about the Anaconda cover and uproar.  Nicki went on a rant with images of other non-Black women with their booty butt cheeks out or half-dressed when people critiqued the cover.  While I agree that there is nothing particularly wrong with the cover, I feel like this is an Azealia Banks move.  It’s not that Nicki shouldn’t respond or that she can’t respond.  It’s that instead of managing her career in a way that an artist of her stature can, she’s still acting like a struggling artist whose record sales live and die by Twitter.

She’s more than that and I think that there’s two ways to respond.  Get you an interview with Jimmy Fallon or Chelsea Handler and state your case.  Or release a freestyle called “Unbothered” with several pictures of your ass in all of it’s glory.

Duh…

Going back a little bit, remember her “feud” with Mariah Carey?  Mariah Carey is a rude and shady bitch, but losing your cool isn’t how you fight someone operating at that level of mastery.  You do some digging

Pro: Parodies & Sophia Grace/Rosie

Without Nicki, these things wouldn’t be here to tickle me.

Those little girls are mega adorable.

 

Con: Her Live Performances Leave Much To Be Desired

 

I’ve said a couple of times that Pills And Potions is a boring song that really had no business coming out for the summer.  But the decision was made and Nicki performed it at the BET Awards with that cheap bunny costume, giant mushroom prop and one contemporary dancer.  It’s interesting that she pulled from Alice in Wonderland given Lewis Carroll’s thinly veiled drug references in the original, but there’s always something lacking in the execution.

I’ve never seen a Nicki performance that was “creative” that didn’t come across as juvenile.  To me, it feels like she has the idea first and does not think anything through until the day of the performance.  I’ve seen stans make the argument that she majored in Theatre in high school and that’s what I get from these performances.  High school spring musical.  At a struggling high school.

I’ve just sat through a few performances and I’m still bored.  It’s all lackluster booty popping (for the rap songs) or forced creativity.  Thanks but no thanks.

Pro: She gave Cassie a job!

You all know how I feel about the Original Queen of Music.

Overall: Meh…

You know, I was making this list and I was pretty sure that it would come out as a positive for Nicki.  While I can’t say I’m a huge fan or anything, I really do think there is something to be said for her career.  It had been years since we had any female rappers doing anything of note.  Remy Ma has the talent and flow, but went to jail.  Shawnna is also a great rapper, but her own singles never had much commercial appeal outside of hoodrat clubs and college parties.  Nicki was able to rise to the top with a slew of memorable verses and catchy songs.  She’s managed to keep control of her career in some ways and redirect it away from a sinking ship.  She’s got talent and spark.

But I’m still not convinced.  I’m just not moved by her own material enough to really be on her team.  For every triumph, there’s a complete flop.  For ever accurate point made, there’s something petty and insecure the next day.

I would like to see Nicki find a way to just truly own her star image and sound.  I think once she stops trying to “make hits” and relies on what got her signed in the first place, she’ll be golden.

But until then…

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What are your thoughts?  Let me know in the comments or over the twitter machine.

 

 

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Happy Birthday, Class!

Class is officially another year older, another year wiser!  Let’s celebrate with a song from the elusive chanteuse herself, Britney Spears!

Make sure you send gifts! (cash and/or liquor ladies!)

Leave a nice note in the comment box won’t you??

Girl…What is This?

So last night, Overactive Blogger shared something with Class and Trash that was so ridiculous that I couldn’t get on the road today without showing it to you.

http://www.tmz.com/2014/03/11/justin-bieber-and-selena-gomez-dance-studio-texas-deposition/

Bieber and Selena Gomez have been talking again despite his legal woes.  Since neither of them is talented enough for them to cover “Nobody’s Supposed To Be Here” like real emotional couples do, the duo decided to express their emotional struggle with an interpretive dance set to Ordinary People.

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Because I love you, I wanted to make sure that you didn’t miss out on this expression of their…emotion?  So I’ve provided a handy play by play for you.

FADE IN TO TEXAS DANCE STUDIO

 

Bieber is “hurt” when Selena pushes him away after the slide and half turn.

Selena “sensually” struts away and touches her hair “sadly.”

Bieber comes to get her and they embrace only to show off their “hip hop swag?”

Bieber has a lot on his mind and then collapses under the “stress and turmoil” this love affair has caused.

He runs to his lady and forces her against the wall!

But she escapes quickly, she can’t give in to this “seduction.”

Some more arm work and hair flip leads to Bieber trapping her against the wall again.

But he picks her up and spins her around!

END SCENE

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Look, these two crazy kids would be in college if they weren’t being fabulously wealthy and putting out horrible music.  And we have ALL made some questionable choices for “love” at that age.

But this was just uncomfortable.  Like hilariously uncomfortable. I’m not sure what they thought was going to happen besides people laughing at it.

My friends, take this as a lesson.  If you put it on the internet, it will always be visible and open for lampooning.  Especially if you are a troubled pop star who the world is eager to see flop.

So would you put this routine through to Vegas?  How excited are you for the return of So You Think You Can Dance?  Does Bieber own any shorts that fit??  Let us know your reaction in the comments below or on Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow.

All the Single Ladies!!!!

First off….It’s been one month of Class And Trash! AWOOT! So now that there are a bunch of posts here, please share share share the blog! We want to be here to stay! We would love to make this bigger and better one-day but that needs YOU! ANYWAY on to the post…

February 14th…… A day that all couples look forward to. It is also a day that all single as shit people dread. Whether we want to admit it or not. I don’t really grasp that excitement that couples have, so this is for all my single ladies (and gents out there) to nod and snap their fingers to in agreement; and for all the couples to take note about why we feel salty when you talk to us about it….

So here we go:

5 Ways to Not Piss off Your Single and Bitter Friends on Valentines Day:

1)   Don’t Ask.

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Bitch you’re my friend. You know I don’t HAVE any romantic partner in my life. I don’t even have a fake text message boo. What in the entire heck do you think I’m going to do today but sit and try to avoid being on social media?!?!?!?! For most single people, this day is just another day. We wake up and try not to think about it…… and then….. then y’all want to start asking too many damn questions. “So what are you doing tonight?” “Ohhhh noooo!!! Don’t just stay in by yourself!” Which brings me to number two.

2)   “Well why don’t you hang out with us?”

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Oh. OKAY. This sounds like a PERFECT Valentines Day to me!!! And it’s on a Friday this year? PERFECT way to kick off the weekend! SO while you are lovey dovey in the corner with the man or woman of your dream, I’ll just sit here and eat more bread at the restaurant. Or maybe I’ll hold my own hand at the movie. Ooooooh wait I’ll just buy my own chocolate and gifts! YASSSS! (note alllllll the sarcasm)

You get the idea….. The point is I’d rather sit, eat chocolate, and drink cheap bottle of wine. Alone. Trust me it’s OKAY. I will be OKAY. This is NOT the first time at the single rodeo. The fake pity party is not needed today. I know you’re trying to help but it makes me get all into my feelings.

3)   Congrats on your flowers, cards, chocolates, etc.

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Listen. It’s Valentines Day. We know that your going to receive a present while the single clan waits for the sale on the 15th…but do we need to see the Facebook Status, Twitter, and instragram (with filter) shared up and down on the timeline?!?!?! It’s just extra. How many stuffed animals, flowers, and boxes of chocolates do we need to see? (DRINKING GAME ALERT! Take a shot every time one of these status or images rolls across your timeline!) I rather scroll down and see messages about snow and what an idiot Justin Bieber is today.

4)   I’m sure you’ll find someone soon.

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Okay trick. This one right here. That statement will make me flip a table and lose it. Why? Because I’m working on it. Maybe I’m picky. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe my checklist is too long. But i’m working on it. What I don’t need is fake sympathy tho. So now go on and enjoy your day! Call me tomorrow and we’ll will turn up! Kthanks

5)   Don’t Apologize to me

I know I’m single. It ain’t your fault. Really. No explanation on this needed.

ByeAshy

Okay that sounded a lot more bitter than it was meant to be. I’m really not super pressed as I’ve grown accustomed to this life. That and my mom will forever be my one true valentine So there’s that. It just gets real frustrating. ESPECIALLY new couples; Trollop you were single yesterday…get off of my timeline with that tripe.

With that being said. Hope all my couples truly have a magical day! But just keep it with your boo/if your friends ask you about your day. And to my single friends…there has got to be a club for single people to go shimmy and flirt, right? Let all find that. Put on that sexy outfit and stay away from the thirsty single tricks who are just trying to get it in…that’s how you catch diseases.

Ladies? ……Say I …look so good tonight!

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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! We love you like XO!

Trashy Thursday: The Flawless Music Career of Kevin Federline

Now back before Britney Spears was hanging out in Vegas and coming across…lucid, she was married to the one, the only, the incomparable Kevin Federline.

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True love obviously.

Now during their marriage, King K.Fed convinced the Princess of Pop to build him a studio to their home.  And once this bold and completely correct decision was made, the King created all that is right with the world.

YES.

YES.

YES.

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It’s a Brazilian ass-shaker!

YES.

The finger dance and the face where he is like THIS IS THE JAM!

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YES.

“In Portuguese, it means bring ya ass, On the floor and move real fast!”

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YES.

PO PO PO PO POPOZAO! POPOZAO!

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Okay, I’ve calmed down.  Seriously though, I have a huge love for songs that are so bad, that they wrap around to being entertaining.  Kevin’s obvious love for this song and childish man-boy glee at this anthem is EVERYTHING.

Now let’s cover his first official release.  Yes, the Kevin Federline album actually happened.

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This is Lose Control.

This is that hip hop flavooooor, mixed with a little bit of rock and roll!”

So what if he can’t actually rap!  This song is a bop and you’re mad about it!

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Let’s not forget that he actually performed this live!

ICONIC!

With a guest appearance from Britney and her umm… wig, those fly dances, the DJ doing his best to hype the performance.

Kevin is a delight and we did not treasure him while we had him.  Come back to us, King!

Let us know about your favorite Britney and KFed moment in the comments below or on the Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow.

No ACTUAL Talent? Get OUTTA Here!

Move.

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I am annoyed. Why?

I love most shows on Bravo. I can sit all damn and waste it away watching everything on Bravo (except when they play actual movies ::snoozefest::). They all have lives that I want. The life where you wake up, drink mimosas, shop, nap, go out with yo friends,  cuss someone out, and repeat. Tired of that routine? They take a random trip to South Africa or Morocco dahhhhling.  It’s genius television. I love the cute music that some of the bravo-lebrities have given us. “Tardy for the Party” goes hard, “Chic Ce L’est Vie” taught me how to live, and “Money Can’t Buy You Class” is my personal anthem. (Stay classy y’all)

And then “Vanderpump Rules” Season 2 happened. I never cared  that much to watch this show until this scene….

Yes GAWD…. *SPOILER* After all of that the “dirty f*cking whore” did “bang” her boyfriend. ::rolls-eyes – #WhiteGirlProblems::

ANYWAY, the thing that pissed me off is that this show introduced me to aspiring singer Scheana Marie. BYE ASHY.

ByeAshy

 

LISTEN. We have GOT to stop letting basic trollops with TERRIBLE voices get on stages to perform. I COULD USE THAT STAGE (AND PAYCHECK) BETTER. I get that they may like to perform; but learn to act, mime, or ANYTHING that doesn’t involve….SINGING. Even mediocre singers of today have more talent than this trick. Britney could dance, Cassie…is pretty, Rihanna keeps giving us catchy hits, and Ciara…. Uhhh…..she gave us “Goodies” and is a glowing pregnant woman. ALSO F*CK the girl in the video for saying Scheana was awesome. That’s why you got slapped later in the season. Ho. Sit. Down.

Where in the entire heck is my record deal/reality TV show. I have questions. What I do know is that we have got to stand up and say NO to raggedy performers.

I’m out.

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Undiscovered. (Let’s Change That NOW!)

The internet and social media can be the best and the worst at times. It has everyone thinking that with every re-tweet, youtube view, comment, follow, or Facebook friend request they are more and more famous. However, youtube does allow us to see some pretty terrible but amusing “talent” (a personal favorite of Trash over there.) We ALSO have the chance to see some AMAZING undiscovered talent that makes you question why are some “singers” famous.

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So this Tuesday here are three of my favorite undiscovered talented singers. If they released songs right now, trust and believe I’d be the FIRST in line to purchase.

Joelle James (and Sophia)

  • Excuse me but these white girls are up there SANGING (with an A). Sanging is not the same as singing.  In a world where girls run up on award shows not being able to sing a lick, we live in a world where not enough people know who she is OR her friend Sophia. I will never forget the moment when I first heard them and my mouth DROPPED. The guy isn’t that bad but when you’re surrounded by those DIVAS, you just get left behind. WHY ISN’T SHE POPPING OUT SINGLES LEFT AND RIGHT?! I get that she’s signed to Chris Brown’s label and I won’t throw shade BUT it may be time for her to move on. Too much damn talent for her to be in a Jojo type situation. Free Joelle (even tho she’s really okay I guess)

Mari Solis

  • I don’t know where she is right now…. but this young lady has GOT to find her a cute record deal. When you can cover Stevie Wonder and NOT make ears cringe or eyes roll, you have been touched by God.  Girl. GIRL. The precision of her runs. The clarity of her tone. It’s just so special. I can’t put into words.

Fourtunate

  • Apparently they were on X-Factor, Star Search, something. I don’t really know who they are or where they are from. I do know that they are up here giving us harmony and i’m living for it. I’m sure Beyonce is somewhere eating a Vegan cupcake and bopping her head to this. I’ve gone and listened to some of their other covers and they are pretty GREAT!  In the words of Paula Abdul….TOUCHDOWN!

I’m a sucker for harmony y’all. Who are some of your favorite undiscovered talent? Let us know…

And if you haven’t told someone about this blog …you fake….JK…no but really share!