antm

A Tribute: Shake Ya Body

It’s come to my attention that some of you have not paid tribute to the one of the greatest music videos and songs of all time.  Well, we here at Class & Trash will not stand for any slander nor any shade for the iconic and legendary Shake Ya Body by Tyra Banks.  Let’s talk about it.

We start the video with Tyra and Jay Manuel freaking out in the dressing room.  Her long curly blond wig shaking.  We catch April, Yoanna, and Sara strutting on the runway before Tyra RIPS OFF HER WIG in frustration to reveal bright red cornrows.  The drama.  The acting.  You can’t take it.

We get to the pre-chorus is a bop.

Let me see you! Take it slow.
Move your body! Let me know.
Let me see you! Lose control.
Leave it up to me to take control of ya!

bodyrollpoint

 

So let me see what you’re working with! Yeah.
I need to see if you move like this. Yeah.
And if you can’t keep up with me, I’ll.  Yeah.
Cuz when it comes to this, I don’t! Play-ahh!

marydance

Yes!  All types of yes.  At this point, you should be bopping your shoulders and flipping your imaginary wig.  The chorus is catchy and you’re dancing in your chair.

The moans with the “Come on, baby!” snatch.

We then get to the second verse & chorus where we get to see Tyra serve you choreography.  Model sexy choreography.  And pop and pop, arm and arm.  Booty shiggle!  We also know that these sensual moves were courtesy of Tony from the episode who gave us the best dance-off ever.

And then Tyra’s iconic microphone lick!  Yes. Yes. Yes.

So then we move to the bridge, which it seriously amazing.  The beat cools down and Tyra’s doing her ad-lib thang over the lyrics wearing a bikini that’s basically a cargo net.  She’s wet and grinding up on the man-candy in the video.

Let me say this
Your body’s callin’ me
I can hear it speak (WOO!)
So let me please you
Just grab my hips real tight
And enjoy the ride
It’s up to you
To make me feel the heat
And let me know if you can keep up with me

The woo is perfect.  PERFECT I TELL YOU!

And then the beat drops and we get the “SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT, SHAKE IT! OOHOHOHHHHH…” which is flawless.

alexdance

At this point, you’ve lost yourself to the song.  You’re popping and twerking and getting right!

But then! Camille, Mercedes, and Shandi close us out with the fabulous choreo by dropping it to the floor and serving you hoes.

And just in case you forgot the greatness that is Yoanna filming her dance sequence.

Yes!  The arms.  The shimmy.  The splat!

beylaugh

I also didn’t want you to forget Camille’s “talk to the hand” choreography.

I can not let you leave with Mercedes’ forgetting the choreography.

And lastly, April’s herky jerky dancing greatness with Janice’s comments.

Listen, this song is life changing.  The episode is brilliant.  The video is fabulous.

Don’t you ever come for it again!  Share your favorite Shake Ya Body memory or get blocked.

Advertisements

Pull Over! Team Trash is Back!

Woop Woop!

Hey people, I’m finally feeling like myself again.

laffytaffy

Despite my good mood, y’all hoes continue to try the fuck out of it.  Let’s take a look.

“Natural Hair for White Girls”

1

overit1

overit2

Where do I even start at this point?  Like don’t you all ever get tired?  This dumb broad didn’t read this and think, “Oh, I might offend everyone with my malformed attempt at satire?”  She didn’t take any time to actually look at what natural hair means to Black women.

But let’s slow down.  The first “joke” is that she is part of the most statistically oppressed group in America. This is a trap.  What you absolutely never want to do is compare your struggle in an effort to out “oppression” anyone.  Especially as a white woman.  Every person has their individual struggles and every group has a goal that they are working towards.  To recklessly make a joke about being an oppressed white woman without context is dangerous and frankly, irresponsible.

Let me pull a direct quote from this thing.

“We can’t simply refuse to shampoo and condition and get that look in the way that women of color can. This is the face and scalp of black privilege, and if we want a more cohesive society, we need to peel that black scalp back and take a look at the systems that oppress us.”

This ashy ho has somehow interpreted natural hair as not washing or maintaining hair.

fixit
(
Source: RealityTVGifs)

Besides the sheer inanity of this statement, there really is a far worse implication here.  That natural hair as it grows is “dirty” and “unkempt”.  Without knowing it (because obviously she’s too dumb to function as a real member of society), she has insulted all Black women.  With the actual amount of issues black women encounter on a regular basis (included casual insults from other Black people), now is definitely not the time to sound like a slave master arguing the 3/5 rule.

“The two black women I know – Acura and Delicious, coworkers of mine – come into the teachers’ lounge every day with a sense of confidence that I could only hope to one day fake. Where does that proud sista-girl disposition come from? It comes from their exotic manes.”

Acura and Delicious are obviously real coworkers.  She didn’t make these up these “ethnic” names for the sake of insulting stereotypical Black names while also insulting their attitudes.  Why do they get to be proud of who they are?  Why do they get to enjoy their lives?  It can’t be because they worked hard to get their education degrees and obtain employment.  It can’t be because they are happy with who they are.

It must be their “dirty” afros that give the confidence that I so clearly lack because I’m not doing enough in my own life.  They are so exotic and different. I simply can’t accept their choices because it makes them different than me.

neneoverit
(Source: RealityTVGifs)

 

“But, how can I have it? How can I get that ethnic flavor? How can we, as white women, cast off the shackles of the patriarchy and achieve true beauty and agency through the power of natural hair? How can we join in and have a part of that look – the part that is naturally owed to us as women?”

Because these women, Acura and Delicious, are happy ONLY BECAUSE OF THEIR HAIR, I’ve decided that I deserve that same happiness.

newyork

I don’t just deserve it, I’m OWED it because I’m a woman.  Our struggles are EXACTLY the same and the only fix to this is for me to somehow obtain an afro.

Sorry, I have to cut the sarcasm here again.  Though this is “satire”, she still does not get how much she has just marginalized an entire group of people.  To ignore all of the actual challenges that Black women face in an effort to jokingly wonder how white women will ever catch up is so selfish and ignorant.  It truly blows my mind that the phrase “oppressed white lady hair” is actually something she typed.

For YEARS, Black people (women and men) used dangerous chemicals in order to fit in with white people.  Relaxers, weaves, and hot combs are all products used to straighten out the natural curls and kinks of our hair in order to fit the standard.  Shit, Countess Vaughn got incredibly sick because of a lace-front wig.  Madame C.J. Walker became the first Black female millionaire through hair care products.  Your “white” hair is not oppressed.  It served and continues to serve as the absolute standard of beauty for all people.  This is in fact why the natural hair counter-culture developed. Natural hair helps to empower Black women because they are allowed to believe who they are is enough.  The “instructions” that this asshole gives in order to change their look to an afro makes light of Black history and the continued struggle to assimilate into “American” culture.

The next few paragraphs of this fuckshit go on to “instruct” white women to use a combination of motor oil, Vaseline, gasoline, and bleach to strip all of the nutrients out of their hair. Making their hair so fragile and unhealthy is the key to happiness, Black lady style!

ihateyu

Like I said earlier, the implication here is that the hair that grows out of Black women’s head is unhealthy, weak, and less than ideal.  Don’t forget that it’s all dirty and unkempt!  Pride comes from being a gross Black lady!

smash

Now listen, I’m a dude.  I’m not a woman with natural hair, so I don’t claim to be an authority on the topic.  But what I do know from discussions with my friends and family is that the power to choose how you want to look is one of the reasons that these women feel confident in themselves.  Their hair is not exotic.  Their hair is not to be mocked in some dumbass “Thought Catalog” blog because you think that you are so clever.  Making jokes about race, especially in light of the past few years, is not easy and not for the stupid.

What this woman has done in an effort to get a few chuckles is reinforce the notion that Black women are unclean and unnatural.  She has implied that Black women should not have the facility to decide how they want to look based on their own merits.  Every decision made is an attempt to embarrass white women.  There is a conspiracy to use their “gross” hair to take over.

tumblr_lztfudX2a01r8n3ceo1_400

The fact that the editors at a blog called “Thought Catalog” didn’t see the problem with this piece is scary as well.  This was not funny, not informative, and not an opinion that we needed.  To see people defend it and frame Black people as quick to jump to offense lack basic critical reading skills.  I’ve mentioned to a few people that the worst type of racism (for me) is the complacent type who are resistant to change because it makes them uncomfortable.  They would rather not say anything and comfort themselves with the belief that it is “not me” who is being racist and therefore it’s okay.  It’s dangerous and these are the people who block change silently.  I’ll take the KKK over you any fucking day.

In addition, one of the frequent complaints that I’ve heard about feminism is their refusal to acknowledge the difference in the struggle of the minority woman.  The complete disregard of intersectionality has weakened the movement and creates more problems than the group seems to be able to solve.  To me, this article demonstrates the clear amount of disrespect that black feminists complain about.  I’m not even a woman and I’m livid.

What are your thoughts?  Do you think I’m overreacting?  (I’m not.)  Do you think that the post should be removed?  (It should.) Let me know in the comments.  Seriously, I would love to you all weigh in on the issue.

 

Why I Gave Up On ANTM

One thing you should know about Trash is that I love reality television.  I love the constructs, I love watching them build an edit for a contestant and how it all plays out, and I think there is a lot of cultural value in the manipulation of these stories for our entertainment.  Of course, this does not make them all quality shows but it’s a window into human psyche and how certain cues and attitudes play within society.

One of those insights is that we repeatedly fall into the same traps over and over again.  America LOVES a spunky underdog.  We’d rather see someone try hard with a good attitude over consistent excellence.  We “hate” bitchy people, but we wouldn’t be as engaged in a show without a villain to root against.  These cliches and others are used in all of the best reality shows.

So let’s talk about the most consistent reality show in my life, America’s Next Top Model.

antm

I have loved Top Model since I first laid eyes on Jade Cole.

jadespin

I started watching the show with my friend who would give me a ride back to my off-campus apartment when I didn’t have my car yet.  Jade’s brilliant vocabulary and antics had me hooked!

So wonderful and so fabulous.

From there, I caught up on reruns of the early seasons crying with Kelle over her snout, watching my chest go jiggle shimmy with Robyn, having sex with Italian strangers a la Shandi, and learning about tipsy-top models with Naima.

I even know the choreography to Shake Ya Body!

Wholahay?  I was there.

Check ya thighs out in the mirra? I was there.

Jenna’s Chevy Impala? I was there.

Brasilia?  I was there.

Hi! I’m Kyle! I was there.

I even made it through both All-Star seasons and this season with the mens!  We’re talking dedication here.

don

Mostly to Don, but I watched it anyway!

But you know, it took all my strength to realize that I have to stop caving in to the power of Tyra.  This show was once a fun way to spend a hour with fake models doing hilarious challenges.  However crazy, there was always a semblance of reality to some of the things that happened.  There were real designers involved.  Girls went on to at least work in the industry.

This past season, all of the photos were taken on iPads in order to use “Flixel” technology.  It was stupid.

The final runway show for Season 18 was for Forever 21.  It was stupid.

Kelly Cutrone is STILL on the show.  No one likes her.  She isn’t funny.  She isn’t attractive.  She is the worst.

While the show is still entertaining in a way, it is no longer the same hilarious antics that kept us tuned in back in the day.  We no longer have panel challenges.  No more Andre Leon Talley or Janice Dickinson.  It’s a chore to watch each episode because the show stopped trying.  Even when we the fans didn’t take it seriously, it needed to take itself seriously for the show to work.

I remained hopeful that the show would find its ground but it simply hasn’t recovered.  The judging isn’t as spirited.  Even Tyra’s heart isn’t really in it anymore.

I hope that she will let the show end with dignity and then put out the seasons on DVD so that I can enjoy them forever and ever.

But I can’t watch it anymore.  It is just a reminder that I’m getting old and the show has worn out its welcome on the popular culture.

Are there any shows that you’ve had to give up on?  What would you suggest as a replacement??  Let us know in the comments!

Celebrity Jury: Bow Wow

What’s up, what’s happening??

Now it’s been a while since we have had a court session.  You can catch up here, here, and here! Let’s talk about Shad Moss.  L’il Bow Wow.  Mr. 106 & Park!

LIL-BOW-WOW-TYRA

Get into those luxurious locks!  Let’s get started.

Fact: Bow Wow has some jams.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass!

harlem

snoopdance

 

Don’t be mad!

Fact: This Bow Wow and Omarion thing happened…

bow-wow-o

You know how Watch The Throne was like super successful?  This was the Dollar General version of that.  And it was trash.  The songs were trash.  The only quality thing we got from this was Bow Wow’s sass.

“We gone own the forff quarter!
And if you don’t jump on the bandwagon now…”

::neck roll:: ::finger wave::

This song was trash.  Even if you liked it, you were wrong.

Fact: Bow Wow is not ugly.

Short, yes.  Ugly, no.

bowwow

Fact: Remember him dating Ciara??

Ciara, girl those notes!

Fact: You didn’t think I forgot Marco Polo, did you????

Miley-Cyrus-twerking-1

Fact: Roll Bounce is the worst.

rollbounce

Nope.  Not even a little.  This movie was terrible in every way.

Fact: Bow Wow is realistic.

Currently, Bow Wow is a host on 106 & Park.  This was a show where he dominated the countdowns and was a featured guest at one point.  I remember people clowning him for taking the gig as it was acceptance that he was no longer famous anymore.  I might have even done it.

But let’s get real, times are hard for those stars who came up in the early 2000’s.  It was a different time and sound that is now considered dated by most. So instead of going hungry, Shad took a job that pays consistently and keeps him employed.  He’s not out here scooting across Queen Latifah’s floor or releasing videos with the World Star Hip Hop tag.

So I’m not going to dis finding a way to stay paid without resorting to super flop ass records.

getmoney

Fact: Azimiz???

Fact: Bow Wow led to the best Catfish episode ever.

D-Pimpin: My name is Bow Wow.

    Nev: Your name is not Bow Wow.  What’s your name.

D-Pimpin: Shad Moss.

Did you all watch this episode?  It was incredible.  Part-time model/McDonald’s cashier thinks that Bow Wow is in love with her after a Facebook message response.  She also receives $10,000 which is how she knows it’s real.

D-Pimpin is a struggle rapper/mooch who gets money from her “mixtape” and uses a lambskin dildo to trick unsuspecting straight women.

It is all so AMAZING!

Verdict: Why not?

You know, I went into this thinking that the Bow Wow verdict would be a huge no, but honestly, I like Bow Wow.

Sure he hasn’t had any chart success recently, but he’s managed to get himself attached to the Fast & Furious franchise, keep a steady pay check, and he has some tunes that I jam to.  He hit some financial troubles but so did everyone associated with Jermaine Dupri.  Even Jermaine Dupri.  I just hope Dem Franchise Boyz are set.

So you know, team Bow Wow.  Let’s end with another sassy video clip from the Bow Wow/Omarion days.

claws

Unrealistic Expectations

Now far be it from me to tell people to lower the standards of what they are looking for in a mate.  But I just need to have a word with my straight brethren.  It seems that a lot of you ashy, crusty men have a laundry list of demands from the women you can’t attract, can’t date, and can’t keep.  This came up in a conversation between Overactive Blogger, Class, and I last night when a mutual acquaintance tweeted some nonsense about how a woman can’t expect to keep a man when she doesn’t treat him like one.

tumblr_lztfudX2a01r8n3ceo1_400

See here’s the thing.  There is this prevailing notion among some of you that “females” only exists to cater to your whims.  To keep you house clean, breed a litter of ugly children, and fulfill your sexual desires.  And sure, there are some ladies who will want to do that.  But it should be their choice.  We live in a world where two incomes is almost the minimum to survive.  So your part-time hours at Stop & Shop aren’t going to cut it.  If your wife or girlfriend is busy working and paying the student loans that she took out in order to get a job, then that just MAY cut into the time she has to lotion your toe talons and make a from scratch meal every single night.  If you all have kids, between their activities, working, and household chores, your needs may simply come last.

Whenever I hear something like this, I feel as though it’s just your precious male ego taking a hit but women DO NOT NEED YOU to live a thriving, successful life.  If anything, raggedy ain’t shit Tyrese-lite men like you are making it easier for them to know who to avoid.  The only women who are going to put their own needs behind “her man’s” delusions are either women who choose to do so (as is their right) or women with such low self-esteem that they believe that is the only way to keep a man.

So here’s a few handy tips on not being an asshole.  Because I’m generous like that…

1) STOP REFERRING TO WOMEN AS FEMALES.

Why are we still doing that?  Saying female makes it sound like you’re describing a primate or a specimen.  It’s not attractive and it’s irritating.

lorde

2) You can’t date Instagram models.

Now if you are single, there’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to a little eye candy.  And if you happen to meet a girl you like that caters to your eye candy visions, good for you!  But let me let you in on a little secret.  You are at best AVERAGE.  And the thing about these “bad bitch” accounts is that these bad bitches aren’t interested in dating your regular ass.  That’s why Catfish is going into its 3rd season.

Get off the internet scouring for the woman who looks like Cassie, cooks like your grandmother, and f*cks you like Jenna Jamison.

3) It is 2014, not 1920.

Now I’m not a woman and I can’t speak for women.  But I can tell you that in today’s world, equitable relationships are in vogue.  Speaking specifically to African Americans, women are now getting more degrees and higher paying jobs and then having to come home and babysit a man-child who was never taught to take responsibility for his actions.  And they simply don’t have the time for man-boy antics and selfish whims.

4) Your wife/girlfriend is not your mother.

Women aren’t responsible for getting your life together.  It is not her job to upgrade you.  It is not her job to make sure you go to work.  Her job is to support, care, and love you just as you do to her.  If she’s working late, make her a meal.  If both of you are home, why not clean together?  All that I’m trying to say is that you all seem to be looking for someone to fix your life and cover your faults, but Iyanla is booked.  Motivate yourself to take care of her and you’ll be surprised what she’ll be willing to do for you.

5) Use discretion.

Listen, we all want to get some.  It’s human.  I’m going to say this once.

WRAP IT THE FUCK UP!

cond

There are too many condoms brands for you to blame women for getting pregnant.  There is too much free porn for your to catch chlamydia.  Dating is hard enough without having to deal with you not getting tested, thinking that pulling out prevents pregnancy, and leaving women to be single mothers.  Don’t stick your dick in everything and perhaps it will ease the burden of getting to know the type of women you want to date.

All in all, I simply want my straights to find happy, enduring relationships.  While individual relationships may vary, you all have to stop creating these unrealistic expectations of women while you sit there with ashy elbows and chapped lips.  Take care of yourself, take care of your lady, and you will find a happy medium where you both are happy and you don’t have to get on Twitter talking about how “Women these days don’t scrape the barnacles off the backs of they men like they use to!”

Ladies, how do you deal with raggedy men? Fellas, are you expecting too much? Let us know in the comments or over on the Twitter (@ClassNTrashShow).

Class vs. Trash – Would You Rather Challenge

Hey Girl Heeeeeey! Welcome to our first post with both Class & Trash!  We’re playing Would You Rather!  Let’s get started,

1) Would you rather –  have Fridays off or have Mondays off?

Class – Mondays. Because I turn up at Sunday Funday.  Plus, you can still go out on Friday Night.

Trash – Mondays.  I feel like having a 3-day weekend is always really exciting plus having Monday off means you can catch up on Sunday shows on the DVR.

2) Would you rather – be a clown that distracts the bull or the bull rider on the bull? 

Class – Rides the bull.  Who doesn’t want to be on top?

Trash – Rides the bull.  Because I’m immature and trashy.

3) Would You Rather – have an extra hour every day or have $40 given to you free and clear every day?

Class & Trash – $40.  Are you serious? If you put that in a savings account, you’d still be better off unless you’re Oprah (Happy Birthday!)

Let’s pause here and celebrate the Queen of All Media.

4) Would You Rather – have a photographic memory or be able to forget anything you wanted?

Class – Forget anything you wanted, so that I could forget some of the basic bitches who have come into my life.  BLOOP!

Trash – Have a photographic memory.  I like to remember things as they were plus I feel like having a photographic memory would be amazing for remembering relatives and family moments.

5) Would You Rather – have a missing finger or have an extra toe?

Class & Trash – Toe, you can hide it.

6) Would You Rather – be deaf and have no legs or be blind with no arms?

Class & Trash: Blind with no arms, because we can still hear music and kick the shit out of you.

7) Would You Rather – eat only KFC for a month or eat only Taco Bell for a year?

Class: Taco Bell.  Cheesy Gordita Crunch, WHAAAAAAT!

Trash: Taco Bell.  If this were Bojangles, this would be a different situation.

8) Would You Rather – have a great relationship with terrible sex or a terrible relationship with incredible sex?

Class: Terrible relationship with incredible sex.  Being that we are young and the trend is that people have many marriages.  The first time out, you might as well have some great sex.

photo 2

Trash: Great Relationship with terrible sex. I will admit, I’m not typically looking an emotional connection, but at some point the sex would have to get better.

8) Would You Rather – Have sex in a crowded library or in a full classroom?

Class – Full Classroom.  Not MY classroom, but who doesn’t want to hide under the teacher’s desk.

Trash – Crowded Library.  But you can’t be too loud.

9) Would you rather – Share a toothbrush with a random stranger or kiss your brother/sister on the mouth?

Class – Share a toothbrush. I’m not kissing my brother.  Good day.

Trash – Share a toothbrush.  But if the stranger has that killer gonorrhea, everyone has to die.

10) Would you rather – Would you rather eat 30 pounds of cheese or 10 full peanut butter jars with no water?

Class – Peanut Butter.  Slightly healthier. ::blinks::

Trash – Cheese.  But I’m melting it.

Give us your answers down in the comments section or let us know on Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow.  Share, like, all that good stuff!

+