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The Return of Class!

Class is…

B –  to the mother effing -A-C-KKKKKKKKKKKK!!! Alrooooiiiiiight!!!!

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::snaps fingers in Z formation::

Shout out to that trashy hooker Trash for holding down the fort but it is time for me to return! Life got really REAL the past two months. I swear I’ve been sick for weeks straight. The weather still remains to suck and then be fabulous and then suck the next day. I’ve actually been TRYING to be shit at work, applying for new jobs, rehearsing for a musical, performing in a musical, and manage to squeeze a workout in! WHO RUN DIS MOTHA?! Not me.

Despite my efforts to be GREAT I remain: broke, unfulfilled in my job, wanting to move someplace new and start over but not wanting to give up the comfort I have now, single, not in the sickening shape I want to be, single as hell, not Beyonce, not on Broadway or on a reality show, without a yacht, no penthouse in my name, oh and did I mention single as F*CK?

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So the single thing has really been on my nerves. It has been a GOOD moment since I’ve had anyone worth a damn in my life. It really got to me when my rotten toothed, bitchass, rude, and just terrible coworker found her a boo-thang. If that over-sized Gollum looking creature can find someone…then it really must be me y’all.

I’m not going to do this today…. Let me calm myself….

As I approach 27……

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( moving on)…..I just feel that I should feel more like an adult and have an adult life and adult things. But alas, I’m still stuck in broke (really broke) college kid mode with a job that ACTUALLY requires me to put in effort. (Damn I miss those college jobs where you were paid to show up and be the funny black person in the office.) So what will it take for me to achieve greatness? A trust fund would be a great start. Or a rich baby daddy…

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But until that happens….I guess I’ll continue to be mediocre? Blah. So this is where you give me tips on how to be great! Ready?! GO!!!!

 

 

 

I’ve Had It…OFFICIALLY!

Listen.  I’ve had it with selfish people.  I understand that as we age, we tend to become more inwardly focused.  We’re shaping our lives so that we can live them in a manner that we want.

But let’s cut the shit.  I am not about to rearrange my schedule over something minute.  Either you want to hang out or not.  Either you want to celebrate or you don’t.  I don’t care how upset you are, you need to keep your word.

I’ve been guilty many times of simply saying “yes” to things I don’t care about to keep the peace and holding my opinion in order to make sure the people that I’m with have a good time.  It comes from being in a large family with a lot of strong personalities.  I figure as long as I’m with the people I care about, it’s irrelevant what we do.  However, this has led to a lot of one-sided friendships where I’m there for people who do not and will not do the same for me.  And my tolerance is running out rapidly.

If I have something planned, I’m not about to bend it because you don’t want to lose a fucking parking spot.  I’m not about to change my mind because it makes your life slightly more difficult.  No one told you to randomly schedule nonsense when we’ve already decided to do something.  If you decided to stay up until 3 am when we decided to get on the road at 6:30, that’s your own damn fault.

NEWSFLASH: EFFIE, WE ALL GOT PAIN!

I know that I’m digging into this topic, but I really do not have time for people’s nonsense in 2014. You can’t keep treating people your administrative assistants instead of your friends. If you aren’t willing to make sacrifices for the friends who matter, you are going to end up with no friends willing to make you a priority.

It’s tough because I take friendship seriously and I’m not willing to let a friendship go by the wayside easily.

But step your game up. Act right. And get it together. Otherwise, you’re going to be waiting at the bus stop whole the rest of us ride to Daytona Beach.

How do you all feel about selfish friends? Any suggestions for having that tough conversation? Let us know in the comments.

Random Quick Life Lesson

If you are sending someone a text that reads:

“Haven’t heard from you in over a month. Not sure what happened but would appreciate a text back.”

Perhaps you should take the hint.

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That is all. Short and to the point! Enjoy your Friday night!

Hug a Teacher Day

::Taps Microphone::

Is this on? Good. Forgive the coarse language but I am FRUSTRATED.

On Saturday, I have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning. I then have to drive an hour to my job, load a bus at 6 am, to take ONE student TWO AND A HALF HOURS AWAY to Junior Region Orchestra Auditions. And NO, this in not a one weekend deal. I OFTEN find myself getting up at the crack of dawn in order to give my students all the opportunities that they deserve.

Now. Some folks out there think that teaching is easy. “Those that can’t do…teach”.  Some say teachers are OVERPAID (Bitch….BYE!). Some say, “why are you complaining….you have the WHOLE summer off.” Well f*ck you too. Teaching is HARD. WORK. You know when you’re in a grocery store of annoying kids and teenagers…well I get classrooms full of them all day. Together. In one room.

No this is not a rant against the general public’s view of teachers either. Don’t be worried. I’m also going to rant about my trifling, piece of shit, administration. SO it snowed everywhere and we lost two weeks of school. Luckily we do not have to make it up on Saturdays! (Praise report!!!!) But we have to find 25 additional hours tutoring or working Gate Duties at sporting events to make this up. Now, everyday I give up my planning, lunch duties, and after school hours working to give my all to my band and orchestra students.

Now I’m almost POSITIVE that my bitchass principal will be sleeping cozily at 4:30 am on Saturday when I am working a full damn day of listening to middle school orchestra auditions.  I’m also sure that NEXT week when I’m at all-state auditions his ass will be asleep. OH and the weekend after that… two days of all county band, which he won’t show up to, that I’M hosting…..he will relax all day with his family. I’m not looking for a pat on the back. I AM looking for him to realize that, I’m already working OVER my allotted time. ON A REGULAR BASIS. I do not HAVE to do any of this shit. It is NOT in my contract. BUT if I were not to attend these events…I would be viewed as a lousy teacher.

I said it yesterday but…I’m DONE with teaching. DONE. Y’all give us 2 cents a day, work us to death, I got no planning today because we have a meeting FOLLOWED by a staff meeting after school…and they could not give a shit. Y’all can even give us a free meal once and a while??? Meanwhile, people are doing basic ass jobs and make more than me and are much more respected. “Oh you teach middle school? Ohhh that sucks.” Teaching is not about money. I get that. I truly enjoy building meaning and lasting relationships with the student body, while getting the chance to teach music. However, I deserve to be treated better. Maybe if we gave teachers the respect that they deserve (and the pay…let be real), there wouldn’t be so many raggedy, angry, lazy, disgruntled, frustrated, terrible, and miserable teachers. All of the GOOD teachers get the entire f*ck out of teaching because they find it’s not worth it.

So today…Go hug a teacher or tell one you appreciate what they have done for you. We TRULY need it. Remember, “Teachers make all other professions possible.”

And YES, I’m still staying positive this week. I ain’t say NOTHING about containing my frustration though.

Drag Race Week – Trash’s Top 10 Queens

Hello hello helloooooo!

I may have missed yesterday but it is still Drag Race week! Here are my top 10 queens of all the seasons.

10. Detox Icunt

“I’ve Had It Officially!”

Watching Season 5 back, I realized that I really loved Detox. However, it was her dressing down of Serena Cha Cha that leapfrogged her into my top over my other contenders (Raven, Chad Michaels, Pandora Boxx, and Jessica Wild).

I think it was clear she had the skills to pay the bills. Great looks ( I loved the blue lips and her crack is wack look); comedy chops, musical talents, and charisma for days. I do think the edit made it seem like she wasn’t trying to win, but I think it was an effect of her being a friend of Willam which led to high expectations.

9. Sharon Needles

“Season 4 will be…CANCELLED!”

Sharon needles is probably the most popular winner of the show. With good reason. after binge watching all 5 seasons over the past few weeks, I firmly believe Sharon played “RuPaul’s Drag Race” better than any other queen who has competed on the show.

I lived her off-kilter humor and quick wit, crazy makeup skills, and fun blend of spooky and glam! Her RuPacolypse look and Plastic Surgery looks were spectacular. Her performances were so strong.

So why is she so low? As much as I want to say that I’m limiting to this ranking to their time on the show, I can not. A few times, Sharon’s humor has gone too far. It is not that expect her to be PC, but I thought she was more clever in her execution of the shock humor.

With that said, she killed both of her lip syncs on the show.

8. Jujubee

“Is your barbecue cancelled…???”

Jujubee brings such a light hearted humor and fun sense of glamour and camp to her drag. On the show, I was rooting for her to truly take out Tyra Sanchez but she seemed to be held back.

But babaaaaay, can this girl lip sync?? Her Black Velvet and Shake Your Love are my favorites. As far as the runway, she tends to shown when she’s servings daytime fish. Her look for the drag mothers challenge and her teen realness during the ball was fantastic.

But Juju’s best moments were when it came to reading a bitch. When the library opened, it was over. Her intro on All Stars???

“My name is Jujubee. I like long walks on the beach, big dicks, and fried chicken.”

Go ahead boo! I live for her.

7. Nina Flowers

“When it said hit TV, I said HIV!”

Nina Flowers! The original genderfuxk queen. The make up skills! The accent! Nina is one of the most popular queens from the first season.

Her blend of fuck you fierce looks, sweet personality, and fly ass drag skills made her a contender for the win. In the final lip sync versus Bebe, she was on FIRE! She took the show seriously without getting catty. And I adore her.

It sucks that she wasn’t able to shine as much on All Stars but unfortunately, Nina definitely benefitted from a season that focused less on performance and comedy as the latter seasons.

That said, I lived for her Drag On A Dime look and the purple finale pantsuit. She killed the choreography in Ru’s video too!

6. Manila Luzon

“600 HUNDRED WHOLE DOLLARS!”

Manila Luzon is incredible. Creative, witty, and campy. Have I mentioned that she is stunning in drag? It always catches me off guard how striking she is. And the MacArthur Park lip sync is legendary. Completely and utterly mesmerizing. I had no idea she had that in her.

There’s a wink and a nudge to her drag that I really respond to. I gagged over the pineapple dress, the black & white striped look, and her Big Bird look. I DIE!

I also loved her shade of the other girls & her cleverness when the spotlight was on. (What do you mean you don’t like big hair?!)

Manila has the goods and was felled by a queen with just had a bit more experience. Truly full of Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent.

5. Bebe Zahara Benet

“FACE FACE FACE, I GIVE FACE, BEAUTY FACE!”

The winner of Season 1 and one of the reasons I fell in love with the show. Bebe is incredible. Her sense of style, poise, and performance skills made her a standout in the first season.

Bebe would storm the runway in a shit ton of wigs, body padded down, and always glamorous. Her lip syncs were fabulous. She rocked the runway and made is EAT IT! The leopard print with the sun hat?? Executive realness? The finale gown!

I don’t know how she would have fared in later seasons, but she was deserving, sweet, dignified, and focused. Love her.

4. Alaska Thunderfuck 5000

“Overall, the season of fish smells like trout!”

Alaska, in a way, is tailor made for me to love. Her droll voice, quick wit, and striking transformation all had me rooting for her to win Season 5. Lil Pound Cake? Her finale speech? The reading challenge?? The perfume commercial? GENIUS.

My personal favorite moment was her skewering Roxxxy Andrews in the puppet challenge.She really grew on the show and broke out of Sharon’s shadow. I absolutely adore her and think she is special.

I also loved her Red look and her Sugar Ball. And her lip sync for the finale? Fantastic.

3. Raja

“NAOMI CAMPBELL IS A……”

My favorite winner of all the seasons however is Raja from Season 3. As I’ve discovered, I love a seasoned queen who’s been around the block a couple times. Raja takes that and combines it with a real fashion sensibility, killer makeup skills, and a runway presence that is mind blowing. I simply can’t pick a favorite look although the Navajo Realness is the first that comes to mind.

But beyond style. Raja has a clear love for performing that showed in the comedy, Superstar, and her lip sync versus Carmen. The edge, style, and ability to improvise really helped her stand out. Her “power of Fuck You” speech is legendary.

And because I’ve managed not to mention the ANTM connection, let’s throw out my favorite Sutan moment.

I’m Ty-ra!
I’m Tyra. Ty Ty Baby!
I’m Thai!
We’re all going to Thailand!!!

Lol whut?!

2. Willam

“Your tone seems very pointed right now!”

“Winning feels…correct!”

Listen. Willam was number one on this list up until I did my Season 4 rewatch. Willam’s sarcastic wit, singing voice, comebacks, style, and ability to get the other girls riled up just speak to me. To quote Santino, Willam is the shit and knows she’s the shit. That is true confidence. Willam was never mean or went out of her way to cut others down. She just did well and charmed the judges.

When she was disqualified, I WAS HEATED. No ma’am! Phi Phi was supposed to leave.

The boat challenge runway? The lace bodysuit? Willam was killing it.

But to be honest, her disqualification is still the biggest moment in the show’s history. She is the biggest star since her season has ended. She simply has it all. Literally my only cons for we was the five o’clock shadow in a few episodes and her mediocre lip sync vs Jiggly. But since jiggly was a mess, it didn’t matter. And her joke about being part “Thundercat” more than makes up for those.

1. Latrice Royale

“JESUS IS A BISCUIT!!!

Let him sop you up! It’s Latrice who is my favorite queen from all seasons. Like I mentioned, I had Willam here until my rewatch. But the reason that Latrice is head queen?

She made me f*cking cry. Her elimination was so so so so so sad. And then her speech. I just ugly cried all over the place.

Now let’s break down why she is fabulous.

1) The Quotes
Good God Girl, Get A Grip.
BMW – Body Made Wrong
EAT IT!
The shade…the shade of it all!
Get those nuts away from my face!

2) The Runway
Her Sitcom challenge blue dress?
Her Pretty in Pink
The tur-kwazz boat challenge?
Her blue dress from the Snatch game?

3) Lip Syncs
Listen. Latrice’s Natural Woman is the best damn lip sync in the history of the show. Sorry Ru, Whip My Hair slayed, but Latrice stood in ONE DAMN SPOT. SINGING TO HER FAKE PREGNANT BELLY!

That is star power. No one else even compares. Queen.

Who are your favorites? Let us know below or on Twitter.

Humility is a Beautiful Thing

There is real snow outside and I’m over it. No I don’t mean a dusting… I mean inches of snow and apparently we just let it sit on the ground in the south. Can I get a plow? Some salt? I couldn’t move my car if I wanted to… Anyway, I digress. I have nothing poignant or funny to say today. So I leave you with this PSA….

I am LE TIRED of scrolling through my Facebook, twitter, and instagram and seeing people’s BS. Stop hashtagging and talking about ish that no one cares about. If you are grown and still trying to fool people like you’ve arrived …just go on ahead and stop. We know what you’re doing.

#WorkingHard #Gucci #Famous #ActorInANewFilm #ImBetterThanYou #WhileYouTwerkIWork

HASHTAG WE DON’T GIVE A F*CK. We know those are orange bottom sneakers. We know you are in the local commercial for the Family Dollar Store. Congratulations you are 28 and you work on the weekends but…WE ALL DO HO!  Be proud of your achievements but let your actions and recognition speak for itself. If you have to boast about what you’re doing or what you’ve done, we feel like your covering for something. As friends we WANT to celebrate your achievement but when you slam us in the face it only makes us want to slam your face in the concrete and laugh. I’m talking about the people that get up on in the morning already talking about all they’ve accomplished today. “Got up brushed my #teeth. Put on my #Coach watch. #In the #Office. Ready to #WorkHard. Hope y’all getting that #money!” #F*ckOuttaHere Be real about you are and live in your reality. It is just exhausting to sit and scroll knowing that my status at the bank and their status at the bank is the same: nonexistent. Who are you trying to impress? WHO?! Jesus, be a pool of humility that we can dunk your lying self in.

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BLOOP AND PLONK.

Truth is….I’m Tired.

While trash is over there presenting one of his trash Thursday moments (blinks), I thought I’d just let y’all know that…..Bitch I am TIRED. This lackluster life ain’t gon CUT IT. Remember when we were racing to get out of out parents house? Like we just couldn’t wait to be grown?! Mannnnnn I lied I take it back.

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Here are 5 things that I miss about not being a damn adult.

1)   Food. Listen and listen well. Yesterday marked a new day for me as I bought food lion brand tomato sauce. As an avid Prego user, I just KNEWWWWW I would NEVER use anything else but groceries are EXPENSIVE as HELL. I miss the days of coming home from school with a REAL home cooked HOT meal or being able to swipe that meal plan card. Jesus be a food stamp or something because a bitch is tired of have to pay for food. Veggie dinners, taco soup, soup in general, mashed potatoes, or learning how to order take out food with a five dollar budget is not how I plan on eating the rest of my life.

2)   You mean I have to buy my own toiletries? BYE ASHY. Girl to look this cute (pats non existent weave) it costs money. As a kid, toothpaste, razors, deodorant, etc, just magically appeared in the bathroom or if you were out, you just had to ask somebody to grab it for you. Imagine my surprise when I found out that a four pack of razors cost over $20. GOOD BYE. Who has money for that?! Not this trick. Good shampoo and conditioner? Soap? Hand soap? Toilet paper that won’t tear apart you sensitive areas? By the time you get everything you need to smell and look good you’ve dropped way too much damn money.

3)   Not paying for Rent. College is wack for making use believe that this is the way the world worked. You mean you don’t include Rent in my tuition bill? I have to PAY for electricity?  I have to use a laundry facility OR BUY a washer and dryer? I have to furnish this shit myself? WHO IS PAYING?! MAN F*CK THAT. The rent office or landlords have no sympathy if you are a second late. Like can I live damn it?

4)   Not. Paying. Bills. In. General.

  1. Eff you Fed loan
  2. Eff you Sallie Mae
  3. Eff whatever loan service you use
  4. Eff whatever phone service you have
  5. F*ck this car payment
  6. F*ck car insurance
  7. F*ck Internet/Cable (if your luck to afford both)
  8. F*ck the rent check
  9. F*ck the grocery bill
  10. F*ck the end of the month prayer you have to say when you swipe your bank card hoping it goes through.
  11. F*CK PAYING FOR GAS OR PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

Y’all there was a time when we didn’t have to worry about ANY of those things. I miss it. Bills just got paid. It was magical. It was the crap that fairytales were mad of. Now we’re in this endless nightmare.

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5)   The light at the end of the tunnel. This is what I miss most about growing up. You don’t realize it but we were always working toward something. Getting out of high school. Graduating college. Getting a masters degree. Now what? Get married? Well go read that “When single stopped being cute” post. It doesn’t help that I’m a public school teacher so the whole get rich thing is a flop. So what now? What is going to make each day not suck. This is the question that I’m stuck with at my now late twenties (dives off cliff for saying late twenties). It really is a paralyzing question in many ways. Nene said it best. “I just want my happy back.” Out of everything in life I want my sparkle back. I want to be the shit and mean it. I want to be great. I miss the blind optimism of my teens and early twenties.

So here’s to growing up…..

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