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Guest Post: Instagram’s Explore Page

Editorial Note: Welcome Sass back into the fray for another hilarious post about how you’re fucking up on a daily basis. -Team Trash

The Instagram Explore Page…where the shitty taste of my friends gathers and kills my soul.

Earlier this year…or maybe late last year…or maybe earlier last year? Fuck it, I don’t know, sometime before today, Instagram updated their Popular page to become the Explore page. Before, the Popular page was a place where the most liked pictures on Instagram were showcased. There you could see Kim Kardashian’s newest selfie (even though you don’t follow her, but 10 million other people do) or the latest vegetable that Oprah picked from her garden (because, Queen). Even if you don’t follow them, you were able to see what was popular at the time.

And then that changed.

Now, the Explore page displays a mix of pictures popular in your country, pictures your friends have liked and people similar to the people that you follow. It’s more a platform to discover, or explore (see what they did there?) the world outside of themselves and their immediate circle. Sometimes, there are some good finds there; for example, Mankofit with her killer workout tips, DanaChanel and her inspirational messages, and Oprah with her vegetable garden (because, Queen). But other times…Lord Jesus, bless it. The ratchetry of some of my friends is out, about, and pushed to the forefront of my feed.

Here are the top 5 terrible things I can ALWAYS count on seeing on the Explore page:

1.)  Instagram Models and Boutiques – I probably brought this on myself, honestly, because I follow Draya, but there are A LOT of Instagram models and boutiques featured here. There’s a lot of mesh, a ton of weave, breast, butt and lip augmentation and flesh that I don’t need. Usually, these “fashions” can be purchased on the low – bandage, cut out dresses made of mesh can be purchased for $15.99, which includes shipping, handling, tax, service fees, production costs and materials. These “models” have booking information for club appearances and fully styled “I woke up like this” pictures. Yeah, okay.

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2.)  The Half-Naked Boys – Some of these half naked boys are models of either the Instagram or legitimate variety. Others of them are regular people, stunting for their thirsty Instagram followers, whit their pants halfway removed, giving us pubic hair and six-packs, while they brush their teeth with the caption, “Morning.” Boy, stop.I don’t know how these end up on my page, but my eyes are dead set on people I follow (lowers glasses and glares at Trash). Sometimes you get shirtless, sometimes you get pantsless, and sometimes you get an ass clap/twerk video with the caption, “Bored.” I’m never ready for those videos.

(Editor’s Note: I don’t know what Sass is talking about.  I keep it sophisticated and elegant at all times.  Maybe she should check Class)

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3.)  Philosophical Posts from the Ignorant and Highly Uninformed – Everyone is not bright. We know this. The second I find out which of my friends likes posts like the one below, they’re unfollowed. Dead ass. Ebola can be treated and cured, just like you can HIV? Okay, boss. Catch both, and tell me which one clears up first. Honest to God, one of the comments said that they won’t tell you that drinking Lysol cures HIV and they’re keeping that information from us, too. You’re right, medical professionals just won’t tell us that. How rude of them.

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4.)  Memes – The first go ‘round of memes are usually funny. And then they’re not. Let Olivia from The Cosby Show, Kermit and the tea, the “this could be us, but…,” and all the other dead memes go to their much deserved eternal slumber. They don’t need their own accounts and they most certainly don’t need new life every single day. Are some funny? Certainly? Are most? NOPE! Be mindful of your meme usage, ladies and gents. Send Terrio to school, draw on LeBron’s hairline, cure that awkward looking Black girl of her perpetual confusion, and give that struggle ponytail a weave. However, Kim’s cry face and the Martin Baker on the phone memes will never get old to me. Also, any Rihanna face usually makes for a good time. Just be accurate in the captions.

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5.)  Food posts – Honestly, I don’t have an issue with these, I just needed a fifth and Trash didn’t answer his phone when I needed another suggestion (I set myself up with five, I should have gone for three). I even think that CookinForBae is amazing. This bitch be hungry. Keep sharing those, I need them.

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(Editorial Note: Trash can in fact confirm that this did not happen.  However, I did just see a large man in a taupe sleeveless top with a cowl neck on my Explore page, so carry on.)

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The Return of Trashy Thursday

Two posts in two days! It’s almost as if someone runs this blog again.

Today it’s time for another Trashy Thursday where we discuss some of my favorite tunes for the basic.  Let’s get started.

Gigolo – Nick Cannon f. R. Kelly

On the suggestion of Sass, we thought that we should bow down and pay homage to the King of Corny, Nick Cannon.  While he is mostly the worst, he has created some hilarious moments a la this song. Also, if Amber Rose gets with him, I’d be shocked.  Mariah would cut someone.

Sally Got a One Track Mind – Diamond D & The Psychotic Neurotics

Now this is another fantastic Sass suggestion.  This is a little more serious than our normal Trashy Thursday fare, but it’s real life.  Sally is a nasty girl out here doing a lot with her life.  Is that you??

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Blowjob Betty – Too $hort

Speaking of nasty girls, here’s Too $hort’s version of that song.  It’s more ignorant than the cautionary tale above, but just as real.

Whistle While You Twerk – Ying Yang Twins

What the world needs now is a Ying Yang Twins reunion and a resurgence of crunk.  Now excuse me while I bop around my house.

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Yasss Bitch – Nicki Minaj

Now I’m not the biggest fan on Nicholas. We know this.  But re-purposing one of my favorite Vines ever??  That’s how it’s done.  Click here for the original Vine.

So that’s it.  Sorry it’s a short one, but you’ll be fine.  I’ll end it with my favorite new Vine.

Like who didn’t do this in high school when you had off-campus lunch?? Byeeeee!

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Let’s Bop Together

I don’t have much to talk about this time, though I have quite a few posts in the drafts box.  But I want to dance.  Let’s do this.

Break Your Heart Right Back – Ariana Grande f. Childish Gambino

You should know that Class and I are big fans of Ariana.  This song taps on your 90’s and 70’s nostalgia with a catchy hook that will have you bopping.

And you can obviously Schmoney dance to it!

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Da Dip – Freak Nasty

::screams Bitch and runs to the dance floor::

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Candy Shop – Madonna

Class doesn’t love Madonna, but I can bop to her stuff. I love trashy innuendo, so there’s that. And obviously my sugar is raw, sticky and sweeet!

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Get It On The Floor – DMX f. Swizz Beaks

Don’t act like you don’t dance to this.  You know you lying!  Get up and shoulder bop.

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Choppa Style – Choppa

Flawless.  Just the perfect song.

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What y’all dancing to?  Don’t you feel better?

 

A Hiatus & A Last Word

Hey everyone, this is going to the last post for a bit.  I’ll explain as this post unwinds.

To say that this week has been completely draining would be the understatement of the year.  There’s only so much rage you can feel.  There’s only so many days where you can feel hopeless.  There’s only a few times I’m going to let you tell me that wearing a suit will protect me.  We don’t want to hear any more lies or coverups.

While this blog has been amazing for getting these feelings out, I’m not really in a place to give you the fun stuff that attracted you here in the first place.  It’s not gone forever and there may be a post here or there, but for now, this is a smooth see you later.  But I do want to leave you all with a few mini-playlists to hold you over.  So here goes nothing.

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Arbitrary Happy Moments

Greetings earthlings.  This is going to be a quick one but since my mood has been pretty blah for the past few weeks, I thought that I would list out a few of the things that have made me smile this week.  Let’s go.

1) Drake Living Out His Pink/Peter Pan Fantasy

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This.  Is. Amazing.

Like I’m imagining Drake flying out over the audience singing like Janet Jackson or Victoria Beckham’s classic “Not Such An Innocent Girl”.

I patiently await the memes Black Twitter.  Let’s get started.

2) This Tweet

which reminded me of this review of the Bratz Movie (which was apparently a thing)

Especially the song and dance at the 8:00 minute mark.

The reference to capris is at the 11:00 minute mark, but just watch the whole review and giggle.

3) Speaking of Horrible Movies!

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4) This Gif & Video

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5) This Vine.

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What things are lifting your spirits these days?  Let me know so I can chuckle too.

Trashy Thursday: Some Classic Hoodrat Tunes

It’s tiem to get back into Trashy Thursday!  It’s been far too long since we’ve taken a deep dive in to some music for the basics of the world.  Let’s get started!  As per usual, this one is Not Safe For Work so watch and listen accordingly.

1) N*ggaz Ain’t Shit – Mercedes

Monkey on the dick, monkey on the dick!

Listen, as the queen of No Limit for about 2 weeks, Mercedes went on to release bomb ass song after bomb ass song.  I live for her.  This song is so relentlessly catchy, fun to sing along to, and ridiculously vulgar.  I LOVE IT.

If you’ve been paying any attention to me, I love female rap that essentially brags about how bomb she is.  As a huge proponent of faux confidence, these songs speak to me on a fundamental level.  This song is all about how wack these raggedy men are in comparison to her.  And you can’t take her beat or her bang.

“Not your average bitch,
My shit’s on balance.
Pretty face, nice ass and talent!
Never miss a challenge.”

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2) Slob On My Cat Pt. 2 – La Chat

“Get ya knees dirty boy, Eat a bish cat or somethin!”

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La Chat is a goddess.  We last checked in with her in the Chickenhead video, which we all know is a classic.  But here she has the starring role and you simply can not take.  This is a play on “Slob on My Knob” which is another iconic bop.

“Bet he went home and kissed his bish on the mouth. EWW!”

She collaborated most with Three 6 Mafia & Project Pat, but there’s something great about a lady-rapper who is just aggressive.  She’s not trying to be soft despite the vulgar nature of the song.  She’s demanding sex.  And while true equality between the sexes is not just turnabout, it’s refreshing to hear a woman just make a song that says “I want sex.  Why am I not being pleasured yet?”

3) That’s My Juvie – Magnolia Shorty

“DEM HOES BET NOT FUCK WIT MY JU-VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!”

Now I don’t know how many of you are familiar with New Orleans Bounce Music, but what’s important is that you essentially don’t stop moving your ass when you hear it.  It’s perfect.  You might be more familiar with Homegurl which samples it.  I like both, but the original will always have a special place in my heart.

It’s dumb and repetitive.  And it’s perfect.

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4) One Night Stand – L’il Jon & The Eastside Boys f. Oobie

“I’m seeing me on top of you, doing things that lovers do.  But I don’t belong to you, what’s a girl supposed to do?”

I’m sure that I’ve mentioned Oobie on the blog.  I did!  This song was a trashy hoodrat anthem before “thot” ever became hot.  As I mentioned, Oobie can’t even really sing.  But her sweet, thin voice singing these trashy lyrics serve as a perfect counterpoint to L’il Jon’s uhhh…”rapping.”

But while this song encourages cheating as way to “respect” their relationships, but you know no one is looking.  It’s only for this ONE NIGHT y’all.  We won’t do it again.

The message of this song is so trashy but I fucking love this song.  It’s so dumb.

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“If you know how to keep a secret, you can get it FOR SURE. 
Just make sure you get enough, cuz you can’t get it NO MORE”

5) Phatty – CCB

“Now your girlfriend’s mad cuz I got what she never had!” 

So we’ve gone to New Orleans and now it’s up to DC where gogo reigns supreme.  Now my undergrad institution seemingly recruited 90% of its African-American population from this area which meant that every party gave us a gogo moment where we all beat our feet and broke a sweat.

It’s also repetitive and doesn’t require much of a singing voice, but it’s just so much fun.  Like you may be annoyed at first, but if you have any slice of rhythm, you’re going to find yourself booty popping by the second chorus.  I’ll have to do a post featuring some of my favorite go-go memories from my time in college. Best believe that this will show up.

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So what are your thoughts?  Did I miss some of your favorites?  My playlist is always open.  Have a great day, y’all!


 

This has nothing to do with anything but never forget.

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The Purge with Class, Trash, & Asian Sensation

So I just saw a commercial for the Purge Anarchy and thought that this would be a fun quickie post.  And since Asian Sensation is here, she’s going to join me! The challenge is to come up with the first three people you’re taking out if the purge actually happened?

Let’s get started!

Asian Sensation

1) Rihanna

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She’s just a terrible human being.  She can’t really sing.  I don’t love her music.  She’s a cyber bully.  An attention whore.  And I just don’t like her.

Don’t call people “Rice Cake.”  I’m Asian.  That’s racist.

Also, don’t come for Ciara.  THE. END.

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2) Miley Cyrus

 

 

smashing!

Also an attention whore.  She needs to stop twerking. White people!  She didn’t invent twerking!  Please cover up your pancakes.  (Her weirdly shaped butt). Stop grinding up on married men.

3) Johnny Manziel

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You’re the king of the douchebags.

Trash

1) Kirk Frost

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The epitome of the ain’t shit men who get away with less than shit.  The kind of simpering, chapped lipped, pleather wearing asshole who eats paste.

2) Ann Coulter

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It’s one thing to be an asshole for Cable News checks.  It’s another to continue to speak when your 15-minutes of fame has run out and the only reason we still hear from you is because Twitter is free.

3) Everyone Who Hasn’t Washed Their Hands after using the Restroom.

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Class

1) The President of FedLoan 

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I’m clearing my debt.  Enough said.

2) Taylor Swift

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I’m taking out Taylor Swift.  Stealing her money.  And returning her Grammy for Album of the Year to the right owner.  Beyonce for “I Am Sasha Fierce.”

3) George Zimmerman

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Cuz we ain’t forgot.  NUCCA.

Share your list party people!