Taking Stock

Happy Friday All!

Let’s start with a song.

The lyric “Looking out beyond the stars, searching always wishing” has always stood out since I first listened to the Born To Do It album. As a point of reference, this Craig David album came out my freshman year of high school right after a huge reset in my life.  In two years, my sister had moved in, had my nephew, we had moved twice, my mother had passed, and I was now in a new school, new house, trying to take stock of what had just happened.  Sitting up last night hacking away with this nagging cough was like déjà vu to a night during my fall break that year.  I remember the feeling that I was no longer in control of my life.  Everything that I had known was gone.  My life and my world was no longer my own.  I was merely a bit player at this point.  I was the nephew.  The brother.  The friend.  The uncle.  But never just me.  

Last night, I realized (again) that I don’t have an identity.  I have a personality.  I have a body and face.  But there’s no me there.  If you strip away what I do (or attempt to do) for other people and jokes/quotes I’ve gotten from other people, there’s not much to me.  I don’t have passion.  I don’t have enthusiasm.  I don’t have courage.  I play my cards too close because I’m too afraid of failing or losing whatever meager ground I’ve gained.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned that I rarely call or text people first.  In my head, I feel like I’m bothering them.  If they don’t respond, I expect it because who actually cares about what I have to say.  Who has the time to listen to me whine about my problems, which are usually self-induced.

But that line, “Searching always wishing”…  I want to be my own person.  I want to have interesting things to say.  I want people to like being around me.  I want people to want to be around me.  And not only when it’s convenient for them.  But more than that, I want to feel.  I’ve had this guard up for so so so long.  And while it’s chipped and weathered, it is still there.  Keeping out some of hurt and negativity, but also whatever joy or happiness there is in this world.  I’ve long associated that happiness with romantic love since I don’t always feel like I can get it in a familial way.  But I know that I need it from family, friends, and myself before I’m ever going to be able to feel fulfilled.

But there is no one step fix for that.  And for a while, I felt like I was making progress. I was pushing myself.  I was being social.  I put on my clothes.  I drank my drank.  I issued compliments.  But last night, I just found myself unhappy with where I was and what I had.  Maybe it’s that I need to find a middle ground between my old personality and this new personality.  Or there’s a lesson that I’m missing.

Leave me some advice.  A bitch is tired of searching and feeling like this.

 

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