Rating the Players NFL Draft

Joining me tonight is a Guest Blogger, The Asian Sensation!  I suggested Smash since she wants to smash the players of the draft, but she said no!

ashton-kutcher-laughing

 

Just so we’re clear, this is not about their playing ability.  This is about how bang-able the player is.  The scale will be from 1 to 10.  Join in at the bottom!

1) Houston Texans: Jadaveon Clowney from South Carolina

clowney

Asian Sensation: He has a nice smile and good body.  I can deal with the dreds but the Draft Day hairstyle.  6/10

Trash: That hair though…  But he’s very average looking  in a good way. 5/10

Except for that bump on his lip. Minus one for each of us.

Overall Average: 4.5/10

2) St. Louis Rams: Greg Robinson from Auburn

robinson

Asian Sensation: Ooh… I am not happy with this selection. 3/10

Trash: AHHHH! That gap.  I’m convinced that golddiggers settle when they end up with Offensive Linemen.  Those eyebrows. 3/10

Overall Average: 3/10

3) Jacksonville Jaguars: Blake Bortles from UCF

bortles

Trash: He’s okay. He’s an average athletic white guy.  Bangable.  Not marriage material.  4.5/10

Asian Sensation: He looks way better after Greg! He’s cuter in motion than he is in pictures.  5/10

Overall Average: 4.75/10

4) Buffalo Bills: Sammy Watkins from Clemson

watkins

Asian Sensation: Great player.  He is really busted though.  3/10

Trash: Umm…I’m not feeling this one.  I’m not here for an edge-up with your dreds starting an inch back.  It’s not a good look.  3/10

Overall Average: 3/10

5) Oakland Raiders: Khalil Mack from Buffalo

NCAA Football: Bowling Green at Buffalo

Trash: He’s okay looking.  I mean, I’m not throwing my panties at him.  4.5/10

Asian Sensation: He leaves a lot to be desired but that’s about the best you can do as an offensive lineman. 5/10

Overall Average: 4.75/10

6) Atlanta Falcons: Jake Matthews from Texas A&M

matthews

Asian Sensation: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He is so ugly! 2/10

Trash: His face is odd?  Yeah, he looks like a fat baby.  I’m not interested.  2/10

Overall Average: 2/10

7) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mike Evans from Texas A&M

evans

Trash: Well, he’s the best so far.  #heyboo As long as that’s not your daughter.  But he’s missing a tooth so that’s a half point deduction… 6/10

Asian Sensation: Definitely agree with you on the best so far.  6.5/10

Overall Average: 6.25/10

8) Cleveland Browns: Justin Gilbert from Oklahoma State

gilbert

Asian Sensation: ::raises eyebrows:: Not missing any teeth, looking good.  6/10

Trash: Maybe this is turning around.  He’s cute.  Hey boo!  7/10

Overall Average: 6.5/10

9) Minnesota Vikings: Anthony Barr from UCLA

barr

Trash: Can I hit in the moaaanin?!  8/10

Asian Sensation: New Favorite!  Move over Gilbert! 7.5/10

Overall Average: 7.75/10

10) Detroit Lions: Eric Ebron from North Carolina

ebron

Asian Sensation: He’s not Anthony Barr, but he’s kind of cute.  Things are slowly turning around. 5.5/10

Trash: A little disappointing after my new man, Anthony.  5/10

Overall Average: 5.25/10

11) Tennessee Titans: Taylor Lewan from Michigan

lewan

Trash: Nope.  That’s going to be no from me sir.  Thanks for playing though.  3/10

Asian Sensation: I thought he was fat cute.  But now he’s just fat.  3/10

Overall Average: 3/10

12) New York Giants: Odell Beckham, Jr. from LSU

beckhams

Asian Sensation: ::stands up:: YAAAAAASS!!! HE IS FOINE!!! Please cut off that mohawk and we can have sex. 8.5/10

Trash: That hair is offensive.  But also hey! Keep licking your lips, boo.  Here for you. 9/10

Overall Average: 8.75/10

13) St. Louis Rams: Aaron Donald from Pittsburgh

Aaron Donald

Trash: He’s not exactly cute, but drunk in the club, I’d make out with him. 5/10

Asian Sensation: Can we bring Odell back? 4/10

Overall Average: 4.5/10

14) Chicago Bears: Kyle Fuller from Virginia Tech

fuller

Asian Sensation: He looks Blasian.  He’s okay by me.  5/10

Trash: The skin is definitely a problem.  He looks like  Bobby Valentino on HGH.  3/10

Overall Average: 4/10

15) Pittsburgh Steelers: Ryan Shazier from Ohio State

shazier

Trash: He reminds me of Buddha from I Love New York.  But not hot.  4/10

Asian Sensation: I don’t like his shiny bald head.  Among other things… 4.5/10

Overall Average: 4.25/10

16) Dallas Cowboys: Zack Martin for Notre Dame

martin

Asian Sensation: Just nah… 3.5/10

Trash:  My body is not ready.  3/10

Overall Average: 3.25/10

17) Baltimore Ravens: CJ Mosley from Alabama

mosley

Trash:  What happened?  Odell got picked and things were never the same.  ::Drake tears:: 3.5/10

Asian Sensation: Alabama! You can’t have all this talent and not any looks to back it up. 4/10

Overall Average: 3.75/10

18) New York Jets: Calvin Pryor from Louisville

pryor

Asian Sensation: He has a cute face but I don’t like his dreds. 5.5/10

Trash: I definitely do not see it for his hair, but he’s not bad looking.  4.5/10

Overall Average: 5/10

19) Miami Dolphins: Ju’Wuan James from Tennessee

james

Trash: He’s not the worst we’ve seen.  But he won’t inspire any lustful cat deddy looks from me.  2.5/10

Asian Sensation: I’m starting to get sleepy.  I need someone to wake me up and he’s not it. 3/10

Overall Average: 2.75/10

20) New Orleans Saints: Brandin Cooks from Oregon State

cooks

Asian Sensation: He’s okay, but he’s not lighting my world on fire.  5/10

Trash: I agree.  Very average looking.  4.5/10

Overall Average: 4.75/10

21) Green Bay Packers: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix from Alabama

ha ha

Trash: His name is really Ha Ha.  Like Ha and Ha.  Like his name is the sound of a chuckle.  Not terrible looking though. 4/10

Asian Sensation: Kinda cute, unfortunately, your name is Ha Ha.  6/10 (ignoring his name)

Overall Average: 5/10

22) Cleveland Browns: Johnny Manziel from Texas A&M

manziel

Asian Sensation: Good. Bye.  4/10

Trash: Meh… He’s not lighting my world on fire.  He just seems like a lame. Good. Bye.  4/10

Overall Average: 4/10

23) Kansas City Chiefs: Dee Ford from Auburn

ford

Trash: Not bad, not bad.  He looks like someone who would make you a nice meal after a “night of passion.” 6/10

Asian Sensation: He looks like a guy I went to college with.  5/10

Overall Average: 5.5/10

24) Cincinnati Bengals: Darqueze Dennard from Michigan State

dennard

Asian Sensation: He’s not ugly but I’m definitely NOT feeling it. 4/10

Trash: I thought we were trending up.  Guess not.  Not cute.  3.5/10

Overall Average: 3.75/10

25) San Diego Chargers: Jason Verrett from TCU

Jason Verrett

Trash: Ooh.  That hair isn’t it, but you know, I’d hit it.  I’m not mad at his smile.  4.5/10

Asian Sensation: He’s got a cute face.  Fix the teeth and hair and I see a potential “Hey Boo.” 6/10

Overall Average: 5.25/10

26) Philadelphia Eagles: Marcus Smith from Louisville

smith

Asian Sensation: He is fine! I can’t stop watching his youtube videos. 8/10

Trash: Wait, who is this?  I’m feeling this one. #howyoudoin’ 7/10

Overall Average: 7.5/10

27) Arizona Cardinals: Deone Bucannon  from Washington State

bucannon

Trash: He exists.  I’m not mad that I’m looking at him.  His tears are super sweet though.  5.5/10

Asian Sensation: Almost cute.  On the cusp of cute.  5.5/10

Overall Average: 5.5/10

28) Carolina Panthers: Kelvin Benjamin from Florida State

benjamin

Asian Sensation: He looks like a girl in the face.  I want to give him an N/A because I don’t rate girls. He looks like a black Jessica Biel in this picture!

benj-biel

Team Trash tried to step in at this point.  Asian Sensation definitely refused to budge from her N/A. When forced, she came up with a 4/10.

Trash: He looks too young for me.  Not terrible though.  So many dreds tonight… 4/10

Overall Average: 4/10

29) New England Patriots: Dominique Easley from Florida

easley

Trash: Shrug.  I guess we just don’t have much gas left in the tank.  These dudes are not making me want them.  4/10

Asian Sensation: He has some good angles. Full frontal is not exactly the best one though. 4/10

Overall Average: 4/10

30) San Fransico 49ers: Jimmie Ward from Northern Illinois

ward

Asian Sensation: He’s cute but I’m not moved by him. 5/10

Trash: See, I started talking shit and then they give us a cute chocolate man.  ::winks seductively:: 7/10

Overall Average: 6/10.

31) Denver Broncos: Bradley Roby from Ohio State

roby

Trash: He’s cute enough.  I guess.  I don’t know, I feel like I’m repeating myself.  So many blah picks.  4.5/10

Asian Sensation: Good skin, but nothing else really.  4.5/10

Overall Average: 4.5/10

32) Minnesota Vikings: Teddy Bridgewater from Louisville

bridgewater

Asian Sensation: Don’t even have to look him up.  He’s fugly.  3/10

Trash: I bet the sex is wack, but he probably is real gentle.  Cute smile though!  5/10

Overall Average: 4/10

So that’s it!  We came, we judged, we conquered.  The overall average for this 2014 Class was a 4.71 which is a little depressing.  Although we know that money has a way of making people better looking.  Who were your favorites??? Let us know!

 

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