Happy Monday! I hope that you all are as pumped as I am for this season of Drag Race to start. Class and Trash will be following the season here cheering on our favorites and shading those who need to sashay away.
But I’m flying back home today. We’ve all been there. You’re trying to get to your gate, check your social media platforms, clear a stage of Candy Crush when some trick slows down your progress and pisses off everyone.
I thought I’d share some tips for all you travelers so that you don’t make everyone (Read: Me) hate you! I’ve used handy cat gifs because this is the internet.
1) Do: Use your smartphone to check-in, if possible.
Now if you still have your Moto Razr, obviously, you can’t do this. But seriously, do this even if you don’t fly often. Download your airlines’ App and check in. This saves you a step when you arrive at the airport, keeps you out of the full service line, and makes the process that much faster. It also allows you to track your flight status, so you’re not berating the agent when your flight is delayed.
2) Do: Weigh your checked bag before leaving home.
Yes, your personal scale will work here. DO NOT YELL AT THE AGENT IF YOUR BAG IS OVERWEIGHT. It is not their fault, you tried to check a set of dumbbells. It’s your bag and it is your responsibility to ensure that you fall within the restrictions.
Yes, 51 pounds is greater than 50 and now I have to wait longer to sit down because you have to remove something from your bag in a huff.
3) Do: Pack your watch, belt, and jewelry in your carry-on.
Listen. Just save yourself and everyone else the trouble. When you arrive, place these items in an accessible pocket in your carry on bag. This gets you through security faster and reduces the amount of bins you have to wait on at the end of the security checkpoint.
4) Do: Place your wallet & boarding pass into your carry-on after checking with TSA.
You won’t need them again until you board the plane.
5) Do: Move from the end of the X-Ray belt.
It’s easy to think, I can put myself together quickly at the end of the belt. YOU CAN NOT. You are slowing down everyone and being selfish.
6) Don’t: Travel with your favorite toiletries.
I can not reiterate that all of the rules about what can fly are available way before you watch the TSA agent throw away for $100 condor egg hand cream. If you are not checking a bag to avoid fees, bring only items that meet the size restrictions or that you would be comfortable throwing away.
7) Do: Buy Travel Sized Toiletries when you arrive at your destination.
Don’t pack them for the trip down and save yourself the headache of dealing with the restrictions. Stop when you land and get what you need.
8) Don’t: Get in line to board until your area/zone/row is called.
YOU ARE IN THE WAY. MOVE!
Like they announce this every time. And here you’re stupid ass is standing at the gate while people sitting in the appropriate rows have to move around you.
9) Don’t: Lean your seat all the way back.
This is SUCH AN ASSHOLE MOVE. There is approximately enough room for my big toe in front of my seat and here you are putting your headrest in my chin. BYE ASHY!
But seriously, if you have to recline, only go halfway back. It’s super obnoxious either way, but at least maybe I can use my laptop to get some work done this way.
10) Don’t: Stand up as soon as the plane lands if you are anywhere after row 2.
SIT YO ASS BACK DOWN!
Seriously, you are in row 32. You are not getting off the plane before me. You are not getting off the plane before anyone.
And when you do happen to get ahead a row, now you’re just in the way of the people who were sitting there and are now trying to retrieve their items.
11: Do: Pre-board if you are traveling with nuggets.
Listen up and listen good. If you have a child who you wouldn’t leave at home alone, board the plane when they announce preboarding.
I know it says 2 years old or younger. IGNORE THEM.
Get seated. Be prepared. No one will stop you. It gives you a chance to find your seat and put away the bags. It gives your child a chance to adjust to their surroundings. It saves times for the rest of us when we board.
What are you biggest travel pet peeves? Am I the only one who is ready to start a new Purge when they are in the airport? Let us know in the comments or on Twitter at @ClassNTrashShow.