Celebrity Jury: Justin Beiber

wheeeeeee

Greetings!  It’s everybody’s favorite day of the week and I hope that you are celebrating appropriately.  Let’s talk Beiber.

I know he’s not everyone’s favorite person right now, but we need to give him a fair trial before Congress sends him back to Canadia.  Let’s get it started.

Fact: Beiber has some measure of talent.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t seeing it for the Beib when she had that swoop bang and all manner of leather vests.  But I won’t sit here and lie.  The boy can genuinely sing and has real musical talent.  He may be releasing bubblegum pop and hip-pop but the boy got his record contract fair and square.

Fact: Baby was a bop!

And before you even try it, Baby was the jam.  You can sit here and try to deny it but it has the perfect blend of sugary pop goodness and dance beat.  He may not have hit puberty here, but if it came on at the roller skating rink?! You, me, Dupree, and Irene would get our lives!

sundropbootypop

Go get your life and bop!

Fact: Every other single (less Boyfriend) has been trash.

What pray tell is an Eenie Meenie Miney Mo lover?

No for real Beiber.  We just saw you on the steps killing it with a guitar and a feathered bowl cut.  Why would you even record this?  And with Sean Kingston??  This man??

sean

That’s just not the answer.  I won’t even start on Favorite Girl or any of those other bland songs he’s threatened us with.

Fact: Justin is, in fact, a giant douchebag. 

With all of the recent news of your arrest, the egging, and the drag racing foolery, you would think that would be all the evidence I need.  But for serious, let’s talk about that.

This 19-year old is spending all of his money and youth on drugs and shit.  Where are his parents?  Where is Usher?  WHERE IS JUDGE JOE BROWN?!

This young queen just let all his black friends take the heat.  This young queen was racing those cars like he was on the world’s slowest Hot Wheels track high and drunk.  That’s like 7 crimes, not including the fact that now we have to endure the Beliebers starting up a movement for you.

Fact: The Beleibers are annoying as all the fucks.

Now Class is an active Beyonce stan and I will cut someone if they come for Craig David the wrong way, but there’s no reason these prepubescent trollops should be on Twitter, Facebook, or even Oovoo.  (Whatever that is)

It’s wrong to hate a celebrity because of a group of people’s actions, but damn if it isn’t hard.

Fact: Beiber has been hitting the gym.

beibs
(Source: Just Jared)

I’m not saying I’m into it.  I’m just saying I could see how someone else could be.

Fact: I thought we left these pants in the 90’s

FFN_Bieber_Justin_FLYNETUK_022713_51024930-390x536
158285811-419x657

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(Source: Go Fug Yourself)

Nope.  Absolutely not.

Fact: Justin Beiber ruined a flawless Craig David song.

bianca punch

HOW DARE YOU!  As I mentioned earlier, I stan down for Craig David and may be the only one.  What you aren’t going to do is sample Fill Me In and ruin it with these croaky vocals and shitty lyrics.   THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO!

newyork

::steps away to breathe::

Okay, now that I’ve calmed down.  What it boils down to is that the Beiber simply isn’t making quality music.  He seems to want to capture this R&B sound that most white pop stars dip into when they want to show that they’ve “matured.”

Final Verdict: It’s a no from me, sis. 

While Beiber may have had some cute bops and talent, all of his antics, fuckery, and “music” has turned off pretty much everyone.  That movie he released over the holidays flipped and flopped, he finally got arrested and delivered that mediocre beauty shot, and that petition has way more signatures than it probably should.

Hopefully, he and Lispy Brown find a prayer circle and work out those demons.  Meanwhile, let’s listen to Craig David and feel better about our lives.

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