When Being Single Stopped Being Cute

 1) I never worried about being in a relationship because I love myself. I love “me-time”. I love being able to do whatever I want with no one asking questions. Destiny’s Child taught me that I was independent and I believed them.

2) I grew up in a house where my parents met and fell in love in college.

So naturally I thought this was how love worked! I mean it worked out for Whitley and Dwayne on “A Different World”, right? Imagine my surprise when I left college single. However, I wasn’t pressed because Graduate School was going to be my second shot at love. Right? Wrong. First, let me say that Grad school really doesn’t give a two craps about your feelings. None. Second, it doesn’t help when old married people surround you with kids and they live REAL adult lives. Needless to say my love life flopped in Grad School.

So time to be an adult…a single adult. Personally, I never thought about what dating looked like as an adult. Do people really meet in grocery stores or at the gym? Am I going to win my future lover with my sexy dance body rolls at the club? Will I really be forced to find love online? Well let’s answer these questions.

The grocery store: I don’t know about y’all but I never walk out of the house slaying the game at the grocery store. I’m out there in my finest sweatpants, messed up hair, raggedy shoes on, and to be honest sometimes you just don’t want to shower if you’re only trying to buy some milk, gummy bears, and return to bed. So alas nobody is checking for me at the store.

 The gym? Again, I don’t go to the gym looking cute. I’m trying to keep this figure all the way right. Is it just me or is being sweaty and stinky NOT the formula for true love?

 The Club: So it’s Saturday night. You and your friends decide you’re going to go man hunting at the club. What do you do? Go to the back of the closet and pull out your freakum dress. You look in the mirror and tell yourself “Who is the baddest bitch??? Me.” After you and your friends throw back some liquid courage you find yourself at the club.  So here I am with my friends, single, ready to mingle, and drop it low to the floor. Now I don’t know what the rest of y’all are out here to do. I’ve found there are two types of people.

  1.  Type A) You guys just stand there, throw shade, and look stank. While I’m always here for a shadefest I just wonder……WHY ARE YOU AT THE CLUB? Anyway, these folks are always unbothered and uninterested. (Whatever, their loss. You’re not even all that attractive anyway.)
  2.  Type B) The thirsty people who would date a mongoose if people didn’t think that it was weird. Now listen and listen well. I’m single NOT DESPERATE……DO. NOT. TOUCH. ME. This type B thirsty trick is the one that you are not interested but they think they can be all up in your personal space. Do you not see me serving on the dance floor? Be warned: The type B person can also fool you. They appear to be normal….until they blow up your cell phone 10 minutes later talking about when will they see you next. Bitch, I don’t know. I am too busy dancing to Yonce, no longer interested in your clingy self, and doing my BEST to avoid you.

Suffice to say, the club is not for love. (New hit song?)

Online Dating: They say this is where love is beginning these. I truly have always told myself that I am too young and too cute to be online but times are hard. Let’s all be honest we have all AT LEAST temporarily signed up for an account. Well, I am no different. I made a profile. I was genuine, endearing, put up the cutest pictures, and then I hit submit. After waiting for the next page to load I began to scroll. Now, I’m not trying to insult anyone but it can be ….shocking when some of your “matches” load. I didn’t know that I should be dating people that looked like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. No shade. You know they say that dating someone wrong for you might be a good thing so I click the profiles anyway. Now the do’s and don’ts of creating an online dating profile is a topic for another day. What I WILL say is, take the bathroom selfies somewhere else ESPECIALLY if you haven’t cleaned the damn bathroom mirror. If you have no ambition in life whatsoever, can you hide that? Or find some damn ambition? Needless to say online dating is a flop, for me anyway.

So here I am twenty something and single. It seems like everyone is on their way to engagement, engaged, married, married with kids and a cute house they bought. I’m not really pressed about the kids part. Y’all can keep that! (Hey, I teach your bad behind kids all day. Don’t judge me). I would be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t pressed that I’m single. Not just single but single as single as they come.

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One comment

  1. Ummm, I think you forgot Type C at the club. And type C is us. We have our freakum dresses on. We’re lookin’ fly. I’m the old married one. Single to my left. Gigi to my right. Not sure where D is, but I think that’s him in the middle of the floor. And we turn. This. Club. Out. And then eat Jimmy John’s after. BLOOP!

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